Deception

I wanted to punch him in the face. I was about to get up and bash his pretty little face in if he kept going at the rate he was. His annoyance level was somewhere near unbearable as he looked at me with a smug face across the table. I could feel my skin crawl, the hair on my neck rising on a will of it’s own as my leg shook, volatile with impatience.

Tom Kaulitz was a dead man.

I was about damn ready to go over there and strangle him with my bare hands, it was taking all of my will power not to. Take that fork he was using to feed the little wench and shove it down his pretty little throat. He was totally hitting on stupid insipid psychotic Karina. Right in front of me. Right in front of everyone.

_ _ _ _

It was a week after the little incident at the beach house party that I got a call from Hugh’s mother. A call in which, she invited both Tom and I to attend one of her company parties. Of course, Tom’s invitation had been given grudgingly. His public persona was not as greatly appreciated amongst the masses as mine was. Being an openly promiscuous man whore in this close circle of the privileged was not something to be proud of. Especially when the list of girls he had screwed over were coincidentally the daughters of most of these powerful people.

Seeing as how Mrs. Hendrickson and her and her husband where some of the most respected people on the upper east side, I knew we would have to go. Seeing as how she didn’t have the slightest idea about how her son had gotten his head bashed in, was absolutely ridiculous.

Which meant that Hugh hadn’t mentioned to his mother about Tom, and I. It made me wonder exactly what he had been telling his mother. Whether he told her we were even dating was a huge mystery to me. Not surprisingly, Hugh was no where in sight tonight, having told his mother he had made prior engagements, the little fucker made sure he was no where near me. But either way I didn’t care. All I cared about was getting the night over with. Because as of right now, all I wanted to do was go home. This shit was ridiculous.

I had arrived in an already unpleasant mood due to my precious Step Brother. Who had thought it amusing to taunt me relentlessly about Hugh and our little love triangle with Karina, about how unequipped I had been in pleasing the dumb bastard. I was about ready to chuck my Jimmy Choo through his head by the time our limo pulled up to the venue. Of course a pleasant smile was present on my face by the time we had stepped out and he had escorted me into the building. And then I ditched his sorry ass as soon as deemed appropriate. Which wasn’t too difficult since most stuck their nose up at his presence.

I had began to walk around the party, meeting new people, most of them just another notch on my list of a waste of a Human life. I was just about to shoot myself in the head, when Tarkie showed up. My faggot savior of a Best Friend. Things had seemed to take a turn for the better. I had finally been put to ease, and the both of us took the liberty to walk around and mock the ridiculous people we were presented to.

Hugh’s mother, Mrs. Hendrickson, was a pleasant woman who I had found was rather interesting. She wasn’t like the rest of the boring, flat women who lived the privileged life. Hugh obviously didn’t take after her. Which was such a shame considering she was a wonderful time. Tarkie and I actually found entertainment in her company.

We were having a pleasant little conversation about the latest scandal concerning infidelity among one of her husbands colleagues, when I spotted them. His hand was on her arm, running gently down it’s length lazily. A crooked smile graced his face as he spoke softly in her ear. I could feel a tightening in the pit of my stomach as she giggled pleasantly in response. The nausea kicked in, the room spinning in a million directions.

And just when I thought things couldn’t have gotten any worse…

He kissed her. A soft, gentle, innocent kiss.

It was enough to make me want to throw up right there in the middle of the room. I suddenly felt constricted, I couldn’t breathe, and I ran out of the room. Pushing past the two of them in the process, a yelp of surprise left her lips where Tom’s had been less than a few seconds prior. Tom’s throat let out a low scoff, and I could feel the hot wetness that threatened to escape my eyes at the sound of it as I rushed out of the room.

I escaped outside to a deserted balcony on the other side of the building. The second the cold air hit my face, I felt my body relax, and my breathing began to regulate itself, my chest began to slow down in response. I didn’t know what had come over me. Why the fuck I had gotten all worked up over something that used to make me laugh with amusement. I had no idea as to why I had gotten so upset about it. Why the pit of my stomach had suddenly been ignited on fire. Why my head was throbbing outside of my skull. Why my heart was pounding out of my chest. It was like I was experiencing some type of panic attack.

Over Tom Kaulitz.

The world had officially gone mad.

I wanted to go home. It was absolutely infuriating being here at this party. As if it wasn’t enough to be forced to be in the same room as the little hag who made me look like an idiot. But now Tom was adding to the humiliation. I was pretty confident that no one here had the slightest clue about what had gone on between Hugh and the two of us. But that didn’t mean I didn’t know. That didn’t mean Tom didn’t know. And no matter how dim witted she might have been, that didn’t mean Karina didn’t know.

I wanted out. I wanted this shitty night to be over with. I wanted to not care. I wanted to get wasted past the point of coherent thinking.

To my dismay, our dinner began within minutes, and I was quick to compose myself before running back to the hall with the most beautiful smile that had ever graced my face. If Tom wanted to be a little douche bag and run around being the most annoying lop on the face of the planet, well than I would take the liberty to be the most pleasant, awe inspiring, lovely angel that graced everyone’s presence.

Tarkie was quick to return to my side as we sat at our table. And after having said a sarcastic little comment about Tom’s attire, my spirits were beginning to rise. We were enjoying a nice little conversation about how much Karina looked like a loppy skank, when God decided to send me straight to hell. Tom took the liberty of inviting Karina to sit with us, a white pearly smile gracing her lips as Tom pulled her seat out, and she sat down two seats across from Tarkie and I. A pompous smirk on Tom’s face as he sat down beside her.

Both Tarkie and I smiled enthusiastically at her.

Then openly rolled our eyes at each other. Tom Kaulitz was the king of Douche Baggery.

_ _ _ _

“Oh Tom, you’re so funny.” Karina giggled loudly with a girlish squeal as her hand rubbed Tom’s thigh under the table. I openly gagged, cringing at the sound of her high pitched voice as I gripped my fork tighter in my hand. I shot a look at Tom, who caught it with the corner of his eye, and he openly smirked at my annoyance, and made a show of kissing her softly on the lips.

“Oh Tom, you’re so funny. Why don‘t you just fuck me right here in the middle of the table, I’m sure everyone at the firm would love to see me doing my real job.” Tarkie spoke in a high pitched voice, clutching his left hand to his heart as he rolled his eyes in utter annoyance. I let out a bark of laughter, my chest moving in synchrony with my chortling. To my delight, Karina pulled away from Tom, eyebrows furrowed as she looked in our direction with raised eyebrows, and a confused look on her face as she slightly glared at the two of us. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry. Do you two have a problem?” The little wench addressed the both of us, as Tarkie and I coincidentally took a sip of our spiked drinks simultaneously. The both of us choked on our drinks, almost spitting out the liquid as we looked at each other with wide eyes.

“Is she actually talking to us?” Tarkie asked me in a soft whisper. A horrified expression directed towards me as he made a face of disgust. Karina looked up at Tom for encouragement, then back at the two of us when she saw his eyes glued on the table, an empty expression in them. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head in disappointment. It was just like Tom to pick a girl who only got ballsy when she had someone there to protect her.

“I said do you to have a fucking problem?” She chirped up in a volatile manner, her voice raising menacingly in volume. I didn’t know what exactly had come over the little Barbie wannabe, but it was beginning to really piss me off as she sat there with her hand placed on Tom’s thigh under the table. My eyes dashed towards him, as he looked at the table with an unreadable expression. I inwardly scoffed.

“Actually, I believe the correct wording would be: ‘Do you two have a problem?’ Don’t try to get mouthy all of a sudden honey.” I retorted uninterestedly, a loud scoff emitting from the back of my throat as I examined my newly done nails. One of the tips was beginning to chip. I inwardly reminded myself to get that fixed tomorrow, before looking back up at her. Tarkie let out a loud laugh at my comment, clutching his chest with his newly manicured hands. Tom sat in his seat tensely, not looking up, jaw locked rigidly in place.

“Whatever. The point is, do you two idiots have a fucking problem or not?” Karina asked in a haughty voice, her chest heaving up and down as she began breathing heavily. Her composure was beginning to crumble, and we all knew it. I laughed openly at her attempt to offend both Tarkie and I and her face fell at the unexpected reaction. Her hand clenched into a fist, and she slammed it against the table, Tarkie and I both sharing an amused look at the unexpected entertainment.

“Answer me god damn it! Do you two have a fucking problem? Are you so stupid you can’t comprehend when someone is addressing you! Fuck, you idiots!”

I cleared my throat. Laughing slightly as I shook my head at her and the lack of composure, people weren’t beginning to stare. But I knew that after her next response, the whole room would be frozen, silent in shock. I looked at Tarkie, a smug smirk on both of our faces as we looked at her simultaneously. Tarkie sat up in his seat, Tom gulped hugely, his Adam’s Apple bobbing up and down in tension at what he knew I was about to do, as I ran a hand carelessly through my hair.

“We don’t have a problem,” I commented, pointing a finger between Tarkie, who was carelessly examining his cuticles, and I. “But apparently you do… keeping your legs closed.”

I sat back in my seat, eyeing her up and down inconspicuously before glancing openly between both her and Tom. Her nostrils flared, a red heat flushing through her pale cheeks as my words registered in her mind. Her hands slammed on the dinner table in a fury, and I laughed at her haughty expression.

“Fuck you! You dumb bitch! Go to fucking hell!” And just like clockwork, there it went.

It was as if time froze in place. The silly unimportant banter stopped at every table in the room. In every corner of the room, nothing but silence. The laughter died instantly. Eyes widened in horror at the sudden unexpected outburst. Waiters froze in place, their pleasant smiles that had just been flashed fell instantly.

Balls, huge beads of sweat began to form at the top of Karina’s forehead as she felt all eyes on her. I inwardly beamed in pleasure, even as wide horror filled eyes and a shocked expression reflected off my face. Karina’s mouth fell open, a look of hysteria in her eyes as she gulped hugely in her seat. The color drained from her face, turning a stark white, as I cleared my throat in the silence. From the corner of my eye I could see Mrs. Hendrickson standing up from her table across the room a lethal look on her face. And Tarkie and I exchanged a secret menacing look as she began her trek towards our table.

As if things couldn’t have gotten any better, to my delight, dim witted Karina didn’t see what was coming her way until Ms. Hendrickson cleared her throat from behind her. If all eyes hadn’t been focused in our direction before, it sure as hell was now, as Karina jumped a mile in her seat and turned around tensely to be greeted by a livid hostess. It was almost enough to break Tarkie and I out of character. Almost.

“Ms. Dawson. Your behavior is simply unacceptable.” Ms. Hendrickson’s voice boomed authoritatively in the silence, and Karina openly cringed, shrinking back in her seat at the unexpected sound. Tom’s Adam’s Apple bobbed up and down in tension, and I took enjoyment at watching not only Karina, but my precious Step Brother wriggle under the microscope.

“Mrs. Hendrickson, you don’t understand, I…..”

“Do not bother Ms. Dawson. If you believe that you may speak to Ms. Merteuil in such a manner I will be quick to put you in your place. You do not speak to anyone in this building in such a manner, especially Ms. Merteuil, do you have any idea who she is? Any idea of how respected and treasured she is in this community? You are no one. As of right now, you are fired. Do not bother showing up for work on Monday morning, because you will find someone else in your place. Someone better, someone more able, someone who knows their place.” Venom was laced through every word Ms. Hendrickson spat in her direction. And I saw the tears brimming, threatening to push past, and cascade down Karina’s precious little face.

“Bu…”

“I was not finished do not interrupt! If you think that you will be able to find another job worth mentioning in this city you are seriously mistaken. You have crossed a line Karina, and there is no going back now. If even for a second you were considering becoming someone with these people, you were wrong. Just look at who you’re associating yourself with. Mr. Kaulitz is not someone you should be proudly holding on to you dumb little girl.” To my amusement, Tom’s jaw seemed to tense at his unfavorable mention in conversation. Karina’s eyes widened in shock, as her eyes dashed in his direction. And Tarkie and I couldn’t help but scoff in amusement. Shaking our heads as we both deciphered her actions.

“You thought he was your ticket in!” The both of us announced simultaneously, a hint of laughter in our voices as we looked between the both of them. Karina flushed a bright red, sniffling loudly as she looked down at the table shamefully. Ms. Hendrickson, along with the rest of the room, minus Tom, took part in our amusement, some laughing, others simply shaking their heads in a reprimanding manner.

“Get out Karina. You don’t belong here. You never will.” Ms. Hendrickson spat, pure venom in her voice as she looked down in disgust. Her gaze trailed to the side, a cold freezing over as she looked at Tom. “And take your date with you.”

I didn’t make a move as Ms. Hendrickson made her way back to her table, and the rest of the party took up where it had left off. I didn’t flinch. Didn’t look at him. I didn’t need to. Because I was positive his eyes had widened twice their size in shock. I was positive that he was looking in my direction. I was certain that he was trying to share a look with me. And in that moment I couldn’t care less. I didn’t care if he needed me. I didn’t care if he wanted me to say something. I didn’t care if he wanted to apologize. I wanted him to go away. I didn’t want to look at him. Because the thought of him made me feel sick.

The silence was overwhelming. I could practically hear Tarkie’s heartbeat as he sat next to me. And then I could hear the seats moving. Both Tom and Karina stood up quickly in their seats. I refused to look up as I stared at the half eaten food on my plate. But the soft shadow of someone’s body standing in front of me caused me to glance up in surprise. Tom stood across from me, a look I couldn’t decipher on his face as he looked down at me. The glance made the hairs on my neck stand up, and for some odd reason it was unexpectedly hot. I let out a shaky breath as I looked him in the eyes.

“I believe Ms. Hendrickson asked you to leave with your date Tom.” I shot icily my gaze steeling over as I looked up at him. My blood boiling under my skin, just looking up at him made anger ooze it’s way through my body, strong and lethal. I shot a glance at Karina who was watching the two of us critically. I rolled my eyes at her, scoffing hugely at how naïve she was as I crossed my arms over my chest and sat back in my seat. “Tarkie, will you come with me to get a drink. It seems mine’s all gone.”

Tarkie laughed, knowing all to well my dismissive tactic, and the both of us stood up eloquently from our seats. And despite myself, despite the urge to walk away without a second thought, I found myself turning around to look into those brown eyes. Tom bit back on his lip, his eyebrows furrowing the way they did when he was having an inner struggle. Anger boiled under my skin in that instant, hate surging through me as I saw his hand on Karina’s waist, and I turned my back on him. Even if he was trying to tell me something.

His chance was long gone.

_ _ _ _

I let out a loud yelp as I stumbled my way through the doorway. I struggled to look around the room, my eyes half open, hazy from intoxication, didn’t provide much sight as I stumbled through the darkness. I let out a hiccup, covering my mouth with the palm of my hand. The room was spinning, adorned in beautiful colors, my head was light, and I felt like I was gliding, floating as I slowly walked through the silent room.

_ _ _ _

After Tom and the dumb bitch left, Tarkie and I took the liberty of slipping out to the deserted balcony, and downing unhealthy amounts of alcohol until our dumb asses couldn’t walk straight. It was then that we decided it was in our best interests to get out of that party as soon as possible, on pain of making ourselves look like a pair of no good teenagers. We mustered up as much self control of ourselves, said goodbye, with cordial smiles and hugs, and strolled out of the venue.

We got into the limo, opened up a nice bottle of Jack Daniel’s that had been included in the mini bar, and had my driver take us downtown where we continued to get plastered out of our minds walking around in no specific direction. We passed countless stores, the bright lights catching our eyes, and making us laugh with dim witted entertainment. It was the alcohol that always impaired my train of thought, making me just as qualified as the insipid crones I always criticized. It wasn’t so much the alcohol that made me act like a mindless idiot, but more of the amount that I had consumed in the hours that had just passed.

We were enjoying a nice laugh at some stupid little pre teens who were attempting to smoke a joint, something that Tarkie and I never did due to the fact that it was just so vulgar. The poor little girls had no idea what they were doing. And ended up coughing up a storm as they attempted to huff in the barbaric substance. Tarkie and I were so wrapped up in our laughter, it was a miracle that we had even gotten across the street in one piece.

I didn’t realize where I was until the both of us had to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take a quick breather we were walking so fast. The second I caught site of the window my stomach curled, twisting into a huge knot that made every breath I took painful. I wanted to slit my wrist right there in the middle of New York City.

Because I was standing in front of Tom fucking Kaulitz’s favorite café.

Every Saturday, Tom and I would go for a little jog around Central Park. It wasn’t exactly something I would choose to do on my free time by myself, but somehow, despite myself, I found myself waking up at five in the morning by Tom. Our driver would take us to the park, Tom happily greeting the morning, and me sitting half asleep with overly large sunglasses and my ear buds shoved in my ear until we arrived at our destination. We would usually run for an hour or so, and then, by the time we were finished, the seven o’clock bustle would begin, and Tom and I would find our driver who would take us to this corner café where we would sit for hours talking a bunch of nonsense. Laughing, joking, having deep intellectual conversations, I could never predict what discussions we would have. But I always knew that I would enjoy it. Because Tom never disappointed, he never did anything half ass.

I knew for a fact that Tom came here when he needed time to himself. When he needed time to do his deep thinking. It was a place where Tom felt calm. I knew that he loved coming there. He loved the food. He loved the calm atmosphere. It was always his pick when I gave him the opportunity to choose where we got to eat. He loved it there.

Which is why the sight of it in that instant made me want to throw up. I felt sick. My head was spinning in all directions a mile a minute, my stomach throbbing, thudding uncontrollably, my throat felt dry as if all the moisture had been sucked out of it. And then I felt the hot angry tears that clouded my already tainted vision.

I wanted to pull my hair out. I wanted to rip my fingernails off. Poke my eyes out. Jump in front of a speeding car. I wanted to do something. Anything.

So I went and did the one thing that I could think of.

Grabbing hold of Tarkie’s wrist, I rushed past a crowd of tourists, practically knocking over an elderly grandmother as I searched for a place. Anywhere other than the café that was hovering over me, taunting me. The cold air sent shivers through my body, something that the alcohol had given me immunity to. But for some odd reason I was feeling completely sober in that moment. The anger un clouding my drunkenness. And I needed to fix it.

There was a bar two blocks down, and Tarkie and I quickly shuffled into the dimly lit building. The loud music booming through every speaker, bright neon lights reflecting off the walls. People were dancing in the middle of the room, pressed up against each other so closely one wouldn‘t know where one person started and where the other ended. Fraternity boys home for the weekend scattered around the pool table, drinking cheap beer and eyeing girls from across the room. I paid no attention to any of the bustle surrounding Tarkie and I as I scanned the building for the restroom.

It took me about three seconds to locate it, and the second I laid eyes on it. I made a beeline for it, not caring the slightest bit whether I bumped into people, or knocked over drinks. I had one thing on my mind. And the excitement of getting it within the next few seconds clouded any other feeling that I had held in prior moments. I pushed open the woman’s bathroom door, peeking under the stalls to make sure no one was there. I quickly ushered Tarkie in as soon as I figured we were alone, and locked the door behind us.

Knowing exactly what I was up to, Tarkie easily strode to the pristinely clean countertop, jumping up slightly to sit on the hard surface. Running a hand through my hair I made my way to Tarkie, placing the palms of my hands on the surface next to him, I did a double take in the mirror. Even having drunken the night away, the reflection in the mirror was still immaculately beautiful. The big brown eyes that stared back at me, the flawless skin, the long curly hair, the pearly whites. It all made me sick to my stomach, and the fresh, hot angry tears fought their way past the threshold and fell from my eyes.

Tarkie didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. Instead, he held out a hand, rubbing big soothing circles on my back as I let the pent up anger relieve itself from my body.

That’s what I loved about Tarkie. That’s why he was my best friend. He would let me cry, let me scream, let me throw objects, let me do detrimental things to myself, and he never judged. Because Tarkie, was the second stronghold in my world. He knew I was a mess, he knew both sides of me, and he loved both of them. He loved me for who I was. He loved me for the moody bitter bitch that I was. He loved me for the yearning, pent up, dreamer that I was. He knew that what Tom and I went deeper than either of us could fathom. He just knew. He just cared. He was my Best friend. The one that I knew would always be there for me. The Best Friend that I could count on, who was reliable, who I knew would always be there for me. Even when Tom wasn’t. Especially when Tom wasn’t.

I let out a frustrated scream, restlessly yanking at my hair as I stared at the beautiful angel in the mirror with tears cascading down her face.

Sniffling loudly, I violently tore my gaze away. Instead of continuing the torture, I reached for my slender wrist. Taking the ornate cross hanging loosely off the silver chain and placing it in the palm of my hand, I quickly took the suddenly heavy, bracelet off. I didn’t look at my reflection as I twisted off the top with sure steady hands. And I didn’t look at the spotless mirror, didn’t glance at my reflection as I took a hit.

I didn’t want to see the hideous devil snorting in the white powder as the relentless tears streamed out of her eyes.

_ _ _ _

Shaking my head to myself I let out a low bitter laugh. The loud cackle disturbing the silence. The sound reverberating throughout the dark black room. It was eerily quiet in the house, too quiet for my liking, and I eyed it suspiciously. My eyes warily roamed across the area, searching as if something dark and sinister was lurking in the shadows. At that point in time I would have gladly welcomed it with open arms. The coke was still in my system, strong and lethal, making everything seem like I was off in a far away dream. Reality was cut off, smothered, buried deep down somewhere where it couldn’t touch me. It was right where I wanted it.

I slowly made my way up the long winding staircase, my hand lightly holding on to the rail with each soft step I took towards my room. The trek dragged on and on, endlessly winding up to the point where I could not fathom an end. And just when I was about to give up all hope and crash on the hard cold steps, my left foot stepped on the landing.

I let out a giggle, a drunken smile pushing through as I lazily made my way towards my bedroom door. Blissfully unaware, stuck in my own fantasy land I giddily traveled down the dark hallway. A few steps forward and I let out a groan of annoyance at the sudden difficulty of walking. Bracing my hand against the white wall, I bent down slipping my five inch heels off and holding them loosely between two of my fingers. The cold tile sent a hurried wave of goose bumps racing across my skin, but I didn’t mind as I slowly picked up my pace. A soft yawn escaped from my mouth just as I reached Tom’s room.

And in my blissful ignorance that I had burrowed myself in, for the second time that night, no substance could have sheltered me from the gut wrenching sound that sent my stomach plummeting into the cold hard tile.

“Oh … yes….”

I froze in place. My heart thudding erratically in my ribcage, the hairs on my back rose up in the air, and I felt the nausea seeping in to my very soul. I shook my head violently, silently praying that what I heard was just my head playing sick nasty tricks on me. I really had done way too much shit tonight.

“Right there Tom…… harder…..”

There was no denying the low hoarse moans that struggled to escape from his throat in response which came from the dark closed room. Even with an entire room between us, there was no denying Tom’s sound. I suddenly felt my insides twisting in uncontrollable knots that made me want to throw myself on the floor. A rough series of coughs made their way past my throat, and without a seconds waste, I ran straight for my door across the hall. The walls were caving in on me, crashing down in huge unwavering chunks. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get any type of oxygen into my system no matter how hard I heaved.

I shoved the wooden door open, a loud thud emitting from the doorway as it slammed against the wall. The echo reverberated through the hallway, and I knew that they could hear it even if they had shut themselves off in their own little world. I didn’t fucking care. I hoped they had heard it. I hoped it had scared the shit out of them. I hoped it blew Tom out of his stride. I hoped the dumb bitch had lost it.

With no where to go, I ran to the bathroom. Shutting the door behind me I didn’t bother turning on the light as my body fell into a helpless heap in the middle of the floor. I felt helpless, the bones in my body turning into water, I couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe not even as I choked out useless sobs. The tears were falling down a mile a minute, but in that instant any willpower that I had held to keep the tears from falling instantly crumbled. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I wanted to die.

I wanted to die and end this. Because I knew that this would never end. This hurt, this empty knowing raw feeling that tore at me with every breath I took, every step I made. It didn’t take long for me to understand why this sick feeling came over me whenever it came to Tom.

Every time I looked at him. Every stolen glance. Every mischievous face. Every intense gaze. Every unreadable expression. There was so much more to those simple acts now. So much more, and I hated it. I hated the fact that Tom had such an affect on me. I hated that he could make me feel ecstatic, but he held my demise in the palms of his hand and he had the slightest clue.

It’s true that he had always held it. But the sick and twisted game we played was the only thing that had kept me sane in this crazy chaotic life of lies woven so astutely they could be conceived as the most absolute truth. It had always been a game for two. One low blow, countered by an even lower one.

But this game was beginning to get old. The same evil maneuvers, the same little remarks that were directed to get underneath the thick skin we had helped build in each other throughout the years. If this had taken place two weeks ago, I couldn’t have cared less. I would have laughed, found it unbelievably amusing. Now I felt it unbelievably nauseating. Because two weeks ago, Tom and I never kissed.

I didn’t see it at first, I was too delusional to analyze what it had done to me. I didn’t want to see it. I had believed that going on with my life as if nothing had happened would be a breeze. I had lied to myself so well that I actually believed that everything would go back to the way it had been.

I even went as far as taking someone home. I fucked someone in my room with Tom less than five feet away, next door in his room, just to convince myself that nothing had changed. It wasn’t until he had left and I made my way into the bathroom that I realized things had definitely changed. The second I was able to wrap my mind around what had just happened I felt sick to my stomach. One look in the mirror and it was enough to turn my insides out, and I threw up.

And then Tom took it upon himself to get even. Hit me even lower than I had. Like he always did. I saw that now. Karina, she was just the low blow that I had asked for. But the thick impenetrable skin that I had prided myself in suddenly turned to mush. This was too much.

Because things had changed. Things weren’t the same. And they definitely couldn’t go back to the way that they used to be. This whole in my heart, that made me feel like I was slowly dying, made it feel like I was living in my own personal hell, one that I couldn’t escape, was all because of Tom.

That kiss had really fucked me up. And it wasn’t until I laid there in the never-ending abyss of darkness, crying so hard it felt as if my heart was pushing it’s way through my chest onto the cold hard floor, that I realized it. And I wanted to die.