Damned If I Do Ya, Damned If I Don't
Eighteen
*Alex's Point of View*
It had been a day and I already missed her, Lisa was nothing like Katie. Lisa was bitchy, nasty and just thought about sex, Katie was beautiful, kind, funny, loving, smart and just amazing I wanted her back, not second best, her. I was walking to the school with Jack when I saw her. She looked a mess, her eyes were red and puffy and she had bags under them.
“Holy shit” I said to Jack
“Alex, you need to sort this out” said Jack
“I know, I will talk to her later” I replied
The first two periods went past really quickly and before I knew it I was sitting in music waiting for her to arrive. She arrived about two minuets after me and she just looked at me.
“Katie” I whispered
“Please Alex, not today” she whispered
“You haven't been sleeping ?” I said ignoring her
“No Alex I haven't” she snapped
“I'm sorry” I began but she cut me off
“This isn't about you Alex” she mumbled “My gran died on Sunday”
I felt a lump in my throat, I knew how close she was to her grandmother, there were practically mother and daughter
“Katie, I'm so sorry” I said
“I know you are” she whispered
“Do you hate me ?” I asked
“No” she whispered “I pity you, but I don't hate you”
“ I wouldn't be surprised it you did” he mumbled
“I have every reason to hate you, but I can't make myself do something It doesn't want”
“Right class, we have finished all your final music work, for the next fifteen minuets just talk among yourselves” shouted Mr Mac
I turned my full body to face her, she looked different, there was something not right but I didn't know what.
“You look different” I said
She laughed “ Oh you have no idea”
This confused me, she was hiding something from me. I know I shouldn't care because we aren't together any more, but I still love her.
“Katie, I'm sorry” I began
“You can't be sorry Alex” she replied “I wasn't good enough so you went for a cheap whore”
“But, I was drunk” I tried to defend myself
“You still did it Alex” she whispered “Did you even give a single thought to me during that whole trip, did you think about how I would feel ?”
I wanted to speak but I couldn't form words, if I hadn't been stupid this wouldn't have haven't. The bell then rang and I had to get out of here just looking at her made me want to cry. I left the school and walked home in the rain. When I finally reached the woods and eventually the cabin I put the shower on, sat down and let the warm water fall on me. I reached for my Jean pocket and pulled out a small razor and twirled it in my fingers
“I made her suffer” I whispered to myself
I ran the razor over my wrist and felt the sharp blade break my skin, it hurt but I didn't deserved anything better. The blood trickled from the cuts and it fell on the floor, I cried and began to shake. I hated myself.
After I cleaned myself up and got changed there was a knock on the door
“Come in” I shouted
The door slid open and Lisa was standing in the doorway, I should have been happy but the only person who could make me smile was Katie.
“Hey” she smiled
“Erm Hi” I mumbled “You can put your stuff in the room at the back ?”
“Which one” she asked
I stood up and showed her to the bedroom. She put her stuff down and walked towards the me and began to unbutton my shirt and lead me to the bed, I don't know why I kept doing this to me or Katie, I didn't love Lisa.
It had been a day and I already missed her, Lisa was nothing like Katie. Lisa was bitchy, nasty and just thought about sex, Katie was beautiful, kind, funny, loving, smart and just amazing I wanted her back, not second best, her. I was walking to the school with Jack when I saw her. She looked a mess, her eyes were red and puffy and she had bags under them.
“Holy shit” I said to Jack
“Alex, you need to sort this out” said Jack
“I know, I will talk to her later” I replied
The first two periods went past really quickly and before I knew it I was sitting in music waiting for her to arrive. She arrived about two minuets after me and she just looked at me.
“Katie” I whispered
“Please Alex, not today” she whispered
“You haven't been sleeping ?” I said ignoring her
“No Alex I haven't” she snapped
“I'm sorry” I began but she cut me off
“This isn't about you Alex” she mumbled “My gran died on Sunday”
I felt a lump in my throat, I knew how close she was to her grandmother, there were practically mother and daughter
“Katie, I'm so sorry” I said
“I know you are” she whispered
“Do you hate me ?” I asked
“No” she whispered “I pity you, but I don't hate you”
“ I wouldn't be surprised it you did” he mumbled
“I have every reason to hate you, but I can't make myself do something It doesn't want”
“Right class, we have finished all your final music work, for the next fifteen minuets just talk among yourselves” shouted Mr Mac
I turned my full body to face her, she looked different, there was something not right but I didn't know what.
“You look different” I said
She laughed “ Oh you have no idea”
This confused me, she was hiding something from me. I know I shouldn't care because we aren't together any more, but I still love her.
“Katie, I'm sorry” I began
“You can't be sorry Alex” she replied “I wasn't good enough so you went for a cheap whore”
“But, I was drunk” I tried to defend myself
“You still did it Alex” she whispered “Did you even give a single thought to me during that whole trip, did you think about how I would feel ?”
I wanted to speak but I couldn't form words, if I hadn't been stupid this wouldn't have haven't. The bell then rang and I had to get out of here just looking at her made me want to cry. I left the school and walked home in the rain. When I finally reached the woods and eventually the cabin I put the shower on, sat down and let the warm water fall on me. I reached for my Jean pocket and pulled out a small razor and twirled it in my fingers
“I made her suffer” I whispered to myself
I ran the razor over my wrist and felt the sharp blade break my skin, it hurt but I didn't deserved anything better. The blood trickled from the cuts and it fell on the floor, I cried and began to shake. I hated myself.
After I cleaned myself up and got changed there was a knock on the door
“Come in” I shouted
The door slid open and Lisa was standing in the doorway, I should have been happy but the only person who could make me smile was Katie.
“Hey” she smiled
“Erm Hi” I mumbled “You can put your stuff in the room at the back ?”
“Which one” she asked
I stood up and showed her to the bedroom. She put her stuff down and walked towards the me and began to unbutton my shirt and lead me to the bed, I don't know why I kept doing this to me or Katie, I didn't love Lisa.