Rakastan

It seemed my days and nights began with mornings. Ville was up, as he said, cooking. In the middle of the night I had woken up to find him turned toward me with his hand outstretched. How badly I had wanted to leave my hand in his. But I held back, but this morning I wouldn’t.
“What are you cooking?” I asked nonchalantly as I pulled on my boots. I tucked my jeans into them and grasped the door knob.
“Bacon,” he answered, unaware of what I was doing.
“I’m a vegetarian,” I said startled as he looked around the corner.
“Vegetarian bacon,” he clarified and stood in the entry way more now.
“Where are you up too?” he asked looking at me as I slid my second boot on.
“To fetch my mail,” I said.
“Good, because we still have to talk,” he answered.
So he hadn’t forgotten about that, had he?
“I’ll be back,” I said forcing a smile. As I closed the door, I grabbed my mittens. Lemon tarts, sounded absolutely delicious today.
I hurried down the stairs and cast an eye over my shoulder. If I left for the entire day, he would leave. There would be no way of communication as I had even left my cell phone behind. The sun was starting to come brighter as I rounded the street that ran adjacent to the café. A CLOSED sign hang on the window.
“Suger,” I cursed and looked around. There were no other interesting shoppes around and my stomach was starting to growl at the thought of vegetarian bacon. Perhaps, going back wouldn’t be so bad?
Ten minutes later I was entering the apartment and Ville was setting the table for one.
“Am I eating alone?” I inquired.
“I munched on some bacon,” he said as I watched his lean frame take a seat opposite.
“Okay, here’s the thing. If we’re going to have some serious discussion, I can’t eat,” I explained sitting opposite him.
“Then eat first,” he said and pushed my plate closer.
I ate some of the bacon and put some raspberry jam on a slice of toast. All the while the knot in my stomach was beginning to grow worse.
“Alright, I’m done,” I said as I wiped off the remaining crumbs on my plate.
“Okay,” he said and took one of my hands.
I shrugged my hand out of his and stood up.
“Whatever you have to say, I don’t want to look at you,” I said. I knew this was bad news.
“Fine, then am I supposed to stare and have a conversation with your back?” he muttered, scraping the chair as he stood up.
“Exactly! Am I supposed to listen to your words and be hurt?” I asked.
“You don’t even know what I have to say yet,” he said.
“I have a pretty good idea,” I muttered and walked across to the coffee table. He had smoothed out the magazine.
“This,” I said facing him and jabbing my finger at her face.
“She has a name,” he said in defense.
“She has a name,” I reiterated sarcastically.
“Listen it’s not that easy. She came back out of nowhere, I, she was my first love,” he explained and took the magazine from me.
“That’s fabulous,” I said, trying to get my anger in check.
Remember, he made no promises, or wait he did.
“Jaclyn, just listen to me,” he pleaded.
“What? What, Ville? Spit it out already! Do you still love her?” I demanded.
“I don’t know,” he said and shrug his shoulders.
“How the hell do you not know?” I asked back and grabbed the magazine.
I tore her pictures out and went to stuff them in his jacket when he grabbed my wrists.
“Just, stop,” he whispered. The words were a chill and I tried to pull away.
“I can’t,” I said and fell to the floor as he still held my wrist.
“I don’t know what to do, either way someone ends up hurt,” he said sitting across from me.
“Then why are you here? Why did you stay the night?” I asked.
“The weather was bad last night,” he explained.
Had he really become this cold?
“Bullshit. No one made you come here,” I said.
“I know I didn’t contact you, so when we saw Taylor I decided to come over and settle things with you,” he said daring to look at me.
“So you’ve made your choice,” I said with sober reality.
Ville bit his lip and it took every nerve in my being not to stare at me, to tell him.
“You should just go,” I said quietly.
“Jac,” he started to come closer.
“Don’t touch me,” I said straight into his eyes.
“Fine, I’ll go,” he said coolly.
I didn’t watch him leave, or hear the click of the door.
A few days later after working on my revised edition of the poem, I decided to pay Cal a visit, but first I was having lunch with Taylor.
I met her in Helsinki after a two hour can ride. I paid the driver and stepped into the cool weather.
“Jac,” she called and waved me over.
“Hey,” I said and waved back as the waiter escorted me to our reserved table.
I shrugged off my coat and ran my palms together.
“No need to see Cal,” she equipped as soon as I sat down.
“Why?” I asked taking a sip of the water.
“I can deliver your portion to him tonight. He has a business soiree in Belgium tomorrow, his plane leaves tonight,” she said as the waiter came over.
“What shall we order then?” I asked as the waiter stood by the table.
“I’ll have the lobster tail, and the scotch,” Taylor ordered and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“And you miss?” the waiter asked collecting our menus.
“A small salad with extra tomatos, and a soft beverage,” I said and turned my attention back to Taylor.
“What’s the soiree?” I asked.
“Oh some writer’s guild,” Taylor said.
I knew she was being curt for a reason. I stared at her until she spilled her news.
“SO! I saw Ville today at the bookshop with that woman,” she said empathizing the last syllables.
“Okay?” I asked unenthused.
“Well, Cal still hasn’t gotten Ville’s portion of the poem,” Taylor said.
“Why do I care? He’s probably busy,” I remarked adding air quotes around busy.
“Well Cal can’t publish until Ville turns in his piece. The work would be halfway incomplete,” she stressed. “Finland won’t get to see your work,” she said in an exasperated tone.
“Taylor, at this point I don’t care. I’m leaving anyways,” I informed her.
“WHAT?” she shrieked spitting water in my face.
“Ew,” I said and wiped the drops off my face.
“Sorry,” she muttered but I smiled at her.
“In two days, I’m going to go to Britain for a while. I have an interview at a publishing house,” I said.
“Why?” she asked.
“I need a change of scenery. Finland’s oppressing me,” I said and took another drink.
“No Finland is not. It’s Ville,” she said to me.
“Tay, he’s everywhere I look. He is Finland. I have blurred the line so much, I can’t look at the damned sky without clouds morphing into his eyes,” I sighed.
“But you can’t just leave, you’ll be giving up, you’ll…” she stopped looking for her words.
“A change will be good,” I said.
“What about Cal?” she asked.
“That’s why I was seeing him today,” I told her and shifted in my seat to get the letter.
“Will you give this to him?” I asked her.
She looked shocked. Our meals arrived and we ate in silence. Soon it was time to depart.
“Well this was fun, I’ll call you when my plane lands,” I told her and shook her hand and gave her a hug.
“Jac,” she said but I was already walking out the door.
Emptiness started to cave in my chest and missing him widened the gap, but walking past the trees I tried to freeze them in my mind. I was leaving Finland, and my heart felt like it was dying with each step.
“Good-bye,” I said as I hopped in the taxi, my wind echoing my farwell as if Helsinki was saying her good-bye too.