Rakastan

repeating that phrase in my head. Cal had asked me how I wrote, what was my inspiration, and I had always shrugged it off. I was scared. What if Ville thought I had orchestrated this meeting? Cal had, but he had never worked with Cal before. There were only so many coincidences and I of course refused to admit I knew their music well, I would admit to having a cd or two, but not that I played them on repeat because it inspired me somehow. I knew I shouldn’t find shame in my influence, but I didn’t want to creep anyone out, and my writing was so personal, that if Ville knew he was behind it, I wasn’t ready for him to know. The moon started to descend behind the clouds as we arrived at the studio, in a private part of Helsinki. It had taken almost three hours to gte there from Turku.
“here we are,” Ville said.
“Here?” I asked meekly.
“Yes,” he said and pulled open a door.
We followed a narrow corridor until we entered a room and I could see a lounge with the studio in the back.
“Is it supposed to be a song?” I asked Ville.
“No, but music helps me concentrate more,” he answered.
“That makes sense,” I said slowly, looking around more.
“Hello,” a voice boomed from around the corner, causing me to jump, startled.
“Mige,” I whispered the knot in my stomach tripling.
“Hey Ville,” Mige said coming into view and stopping when his eyes fell upon me.
“I’m Jaclyn,” I said shaking his hand.
“It’s a pleasure,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I’m going to go out back and have a drag,” Ville said and left the room.
My worst fear was bubbling up. Mige looked at me curiously and then smiled.
“I’ve read some of your things, it’s really good,” he said.
“Thank-you, the band’s material is honorable too. I enjoy the music,” I said.
“Are you a fan?” He asks taking a mug off the table and taking a sip.
“No, I mean yes, I mean,” I pause before I can finish.
“I get it,” Mige says and motions for me to sit down.
“I mean to say I’ve heard your music,” I say trying to sound nonchalant.
“Eh, we’re okay, nothing spectacular,” he says.
“Are you kidding? You guys are amazing. The music really is great, no lies,” I say shaking my knee up and down to get rid of nerves.
No lies? Ugh I had to pull it together.
“Do you have a particular cd you like?” Mige asks.
“No, it’s hard, I like the craftsmanship of them all,” I said stupidly trying to back peddle with my words.
“So you own them all? Mige asks smiling.
“Yes,” I say before thinking.
Bloody hell, shit!
“Ville really wants to get his project done while he works on this, so I’ll be a guide,” Mige informs me.
“His project?” I ask curiously.
“Yeah, he’s writing a song for the wedding,” Mige informs.
I swallow the water I had grabbed earlier from the chalet, but it goes down wrong and I choke.
“You okay?” Mige asks rising.
“Yes, fine,” I say.
“That lucky bastard,” Mige comments.
“Excuse me?” I ask confused.
“The wedding,” Mige replies and rises to put on more coffee.
“Oh,” I say dully.
MIge has his back to him now.
“How fortunate to find such love after the mess he’s been through,” Mige goes on to say.
His back is still turned, and I could pull it off.
“Oh, excuse me. I have a call,” I feign and press the cellphone to my ear as I walk out of Mige’s view.
He sits back down and watches me.
“Oh yes, yes, now is fine,” I say hurriedly into the phone.
I hang up and go to return to where Mige is sitting.
“That was Cal, I guess I have to send him some files, I should be going,” I exclaim and make a rush to grab my bag.
“This late at night?” Mige asks.
I look at him perplexed.
“yes,” I say.
At that moment, Ville returns and is holding his phone in his hand.
Shit, again.
“Where are you?” he asks and looks at my bag in my hand.
“Cal called,” Mige informs him and I can’t look at Ville.
“Cal?” I hear Ville saying.
“Yeah,” I say and turn around.
“How can Cal have called when I was just on the phone with him?” Ville asks.
Busted!
I am frozen in my tracks.
“He left a voicemail,” I say quickly.
Ville has started to walk toward me.
I don’t want him to see the tears that threaten my eyes. I have to pull this together.
“What did he want,” Ville asks standing directly in front of me.
“I have to give him,” I stop, I can’t finish the sentence, my words are threatening to become huge sobs.
“Give him?” Ville presses and he has stepped closer. “Why aren’t you looking at me?” he asks.
Fuck.
I wave my hand in front of my eye and exhale letting a small cry go and look up with the first tear coming.
“Sorry, my eyes are bothering me, I think I’m tired,” I say with more of a solid voice I can muster.
I can’t believe he’s getting married. Why do I care so much? The confusion hurts me more, I do not love him, I can’t.
“We don’t have to do this tonight,” Ville says and is looking down at him again.
I feel silly in his clothes. Mige has put on some background music and it’s calling to me, I have the sudden urge to write.
“No I can for a little while, it’s alright,” I say.
“You sure?” Ville asks.
“Positive,” I say.
He goes to sit back in the studio and I separate myself with a pen and notepad. I write about three pages of the sauna and the days events, but my mind starts to get swept into the music. I flip a few more pages and begin to write anew. It’s all about him, it’s all about today. The way his arm pressed against me, the way his smile made my whole inner being smile, the way his laugh affects me.
Mige enters the lounge.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” I say back and close the notebook.
“Progress?” he asks.
“Yes, and Ville?” I ask.
“He’s ready to wrao it up, that’s why I came to get you,” Mige says casually. He looks tired.
“Thanks,” I say and stand up.
Ville finishes up while Mige departs out into the night.
“Mige gone?” Ville asks.
“yes,” I reply awkwardly. I’m not exactly sure on how to find my way back to Turku.
“So do cabs run this late?” I ask.
“Yeah, but you shouldn’t bother. A huge snowstorm is coming, you can stay with me tonight,” he says.
“Uhm,” I say hesitantly and look out the window. The snow has fallen more.
“Alright, I find couches comfortable,” I say.
Ville looks at me and just laughs.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing, just something MIge said, apparently you like our craftsmanship,” he says and laughs more now as he shuts off the lights.
I blush in the darkness.
We walk the four blocks to his home, in silence.
I’m not much for conversation, afraid my curiosity will get the best of me so I bite my lip.
Ville welcomes into his home and I find I’m too tired to notice much. I collapse on a couch and look at the wet puddle from my shoes.
“I’m sorry,” I say and rise to take off my shoes. I fumble in the dimly lit living room and don’t find a mop.
“It’s okay,” Ville says close to me.
I make my way back to the couch and stumble over the stand.
“Sorry,” I say again. I fall onto the floor. I am such a clumsy person.
“Here let me help you,” Ville says and grabs my arm.
I stand up and I;m so dangerously close to him in the dark, I can’t see him but I know he’s there.
He helps me sit and sits beside me. I’m so tired and my head starts to drift onto him.
“Jac?” he asks softly.
“Yeah?” I ask.
He’s leaning now, so I lift my head to see what he wants. I can’t see him so I use my hand to reach out in front of me and he takes them, locking them to his. His lips brush mine and I open my mouth to speak. My heart’s burning a flame in the darkness.
“Please don’t,” I ask and it’s as if they are the hardest words to say. Everything becomes black as my eyelids droop and I succumb to sleep.
He has leaned his head away, but somewhere in the darkness, my hands are still in his.