Confessions to My Past

“I’m aware that most fathers give the mother of their newborn baby a diamond necklace or something of that sort…” Dean started as he drove the Impala out of the hospital’s parking lot. I was holding Nathaniel in my arms and had just been admiring his perfection again when Dean’s words ripped me from my daze. I turned around and looked at him, eyebrows raised in suspicion; I had told him on more than one occasion that I didn’t want expensive gifts (I withheld the information that once, when my life was still unaffected by the supernatural, that was exactly what I had been expecting of my future husband. But, as so many things, those dreams and plans dissolved into nothingness.) and that I wanted him just how he was.
Dean’s corners of the mouth lifted slowly, which told me there was a typical Dean-idea coming ahead. “But I figured while diamonds may be a normal girl’s best friend, coffee is yours.” With that and a huge grin on his face, he pulled up beside a Starbucks. “All you can drink, love.”
I stared at the green logo, then at Dean. I laughed and pulled him towards me to kiss him. “Did I ever tell you just how much I love you?” He couldn’t have given me anything better.
“I don’t think you did, no.” Dean smiled and kissed me again.
“I love you more than anything, Dean Winchester.”
“Not as much as I love you.” He grinned.
“Debatable. Now let’s get moving.” I chuckled and got out of the Impala. As I slammed the door behind me, a man on the other sidewalk caught my attention. In his fifties, graying hair, agile built for his age. I didn’t know what it was about him, and while I was still trying to figure it out, he suddenly turned his head, stared directly at me and smiled. It was a creepy smile, and I flinched.
“Josie? You okay?” Dean appeared next to me.
“Oh. Yeah, fine.” I looked again, but the man was gone. ‘Weird,’ I thought, but decided to forget it. Nothing and nobody would ruin this moment.
“You said all I could drink, right?” I grinned as we stood at the counter.
“That sounds like a long order is ahead.” Dean smiled, an arm around my waist.
I ended up ordering two drinks, for now – after all, they had to be hot, and I could always go for a second round, which I would.
“Ah, how I missed this.” I leaned back as the warmth spread within me. I looked down at Nathaniel sleeping in my arm. “But you were absolutely worth it, sweetheart.”

*****

Dean looked at Josie sitting across from him, Nate in her arm, and he felt that peace within him again. He’d finally arrived at a point in his life where he could say for sure that he had achieved what he wanted, and that he was happy.
He pushed the risks of his jobs out of his mind for now, just like Josie did, too; hunting was a dangerous job. He could die everytime he took a case.
The moment Dean had first held his son in his arms, that day he’d rushed into the hospital, he had realized that he had to stop chasing case after case. He had other responsibilities now – the people who needed hunters would be saved by other hunters, but he was the only father his son had, there was no replacement for him. So Dean decided he would slow down his monster-killing pace; he’d had more than his fill of risky hunts, pain, despair and all the other crap that came along with this job.
He wouldn’t mention this to Josie yet… he wanted to make damn sure he would keep it up first.
“Hey, Dean…” Josie started, and the smile started to fade from her lips. “There’s something I’ve been putting off for a long time… I didn’t feel strong enough, and I still don’t feel strong enough to do it alone.”
Dean frowned. “What is it, sweetheart?”
Josie emptied her first cup and took a sip of the second before she slowly started to reply: “I want… or rather need to sell my parents’ house and see what I want to keep and what to sell or throw out. I want to put the money from their life insurances into a college fund for Nate, and most of all do I want to finish that chapter of my life. I can’t keep living with my family still half with me… I need a clean cut so I can start healing. But I can’t do it alone and… I need you, Dean.”
Dean didn’t want to know how much strength it had taken Josie to make that decision, to bring up her hidden grief again in order to bury it for good. He was proud of her, and he was also glad; if Josie didn’t finish with her family’s death soon, it would nag at her forever, and it would tear her sanity apart piece by piece.
“Of course, love. Anything you need.”
“Thank you.” Josie blinked away tears and smiled. “Could we drive down to Sandy Springs next weekend? Just the three of us?”
Dean nodded. “Sure. I bet Sam and Amy are happy about the alone time, too.”
Josie found her laugh again. “I wonder when they finally make a committing move.”
“Might take a while.” Dean stated as he placed another coffee in front of Josie. “I taught him a little bit too much a little too well, I’m afraid.”
“You must be losing your touch. Because this,” Josie motioned at the three of them, “Looks very committing to me.”
“Speaking of commitment…” Dean started uneasily.
Josie grinned, wondering if she should release Dean from his inner agony. Appeased by the delicious coffee, she decided she would. “I don’t expect a ring on my finger, Dean.”
Relief was obvious on his face, and Josie had to suppress a laugh. To think that a simple question to ask or not to ask could cause Dean Winchester sleepless nights…!
“I like my independence as much as you do, Dean. I don’t hope we’ll lead that unsteady a relationship that it requires a marriage certificate, so a wedding isn’t necessarily on my agenda.”
Dean didn’t want to appear too relieved, and even felt a little guilt that this was one of the (admittedly, many) moments he loved Josie best; the moment she told him it was okay that he didn’t want to marry her. And it wasn’t so much that he didn’t want to… he just couldn’t.
Maybe it was because experience had taught him that marriage was a fatal step, literally; his mother had died. Sam had planned to marry Jessica, and she had died, too. It was overly superstitious at best and a poor excuse in truth, a poor excuse for his chronic fear of commitment.
But it didn’t matter. Because Josie had shown him once again how perfect she was for him.
“You know what else I missed?” Josie raised her eyebrows lewdly.
Dean knew just too well.