I Never Thought I'd Be Stuck in This Mess

Bree's Pov

Sitting up I stared at my hands trying to figure out what I was going to do. I felt like a broken mirror, shards littered all over the ground with no particular pattern and with no possibility of being put back together.

Growing up Christmas was the only holiday my family ever really spent together. My parents forgot birthdays, Thanksgiving, Halloween etc but Christmas they were always there. Even after they passed away I always flew to Las Vegas to see Derek or he flew to Huntington, Christmas was the one holiday I could guarantee I would spend with my twin and after he died I always went to see Jacoby. Christmas was always a time for family in my heart yet here I was alone on Christmas.

I quickly ran to the bathroom, throwing up the little dinner I had the night before. I smiled slightly placing my hand on my stomach, well maybe not completely alone. I leaned over feeling more coming up, I laid back afterwards wishing I had someone there with me. I closed my eyes feeling the tears start back up again as I realized how alone I was going to be for the pregnancy, how alone I was going to be from now on.

"It's just you and me now, you against the world. And unlike me you're going to win, and I'll be there cheering you on in my defeat." I whispered rubbing the small unnoticeable bump on my stomach as I drifted back to sleep on the bathroom floor. "Promise."

- - -

To jewellery, and champagne,
But you left me empty handed,
Yeah, you left me feeling
Play-ay-ayed

"God I hate that ring tone now," I muttered slowly rubbing my eye trying to wake up. I yawned before grabbing my phone and answering sleepily, "hello?"

"Hey, I just called to see how you were okay." Amara's voice floated through the phone.

"I haven't quite decided how I feel, Merry Christmas by the way."

"Same to you, you aren't alone on Christmas are you?"

"That's another thing I'm not trying to think about."

"You want me to pick you up, you can join Kass and I."

"No thanks. I may be trying to ignore the depression but it's set it inside, I plan on laying in bed all day and stuffing my face."

"That sounds like a lonely and depressing Christmas."

"Maybe but it's my Christmas."

Amara sighed, and I could picture her shaking her head, "if you say so."

"Thanks for the offer though," I closed my eyes before groaning when I remembered something. "Damn it I got myself a laptop but of course I left it under the tree."

"Leave it to Bree to buy Christmas presents for herself."

"Well someone had to buy it and since its custom, I didn't want anyone to mess it up."

"Christmas is all about giving though, you know to other people."

"I got him a video game system and he got himself a guitar or something."

"All you damn rich people."

"I give to charity, then Derek and I used to work at soup kitchens."

"That's more then Zacky does."

I made a weird face hearing his name before rolling my eyes once I saw his name flashing across the screen meaning he was calling me, "speaking of him he's calling me. Damn it which means he found the note."

"Oh god, what note?"

"I figured that I would chicken out and not tell him so I wrote him a note telling him all my feelings. He read the note in which I poured my heart out after he broke up with me, only I would have this kind of luck."

"Oh, you should answer so it he doesn't leave some super-cheesy message."

I teared up remembering how I loved his super cheesy messages, "he can suffer in silence."

I could practically hear her rolling her eyes, "and I thought I was fucked up."

"I agree, he is a little fucked up."

"So are you my dear, so are you."

"You're calling the pregnant depressed chick fucked up? If it wasn't completely true I might have already hung up on you."

"Thank you?"

"Oh look no message but now Jimmy is calling me."

"Are you sure it's not just Zacky using Jimmy's phone."

I made another weird face hearing his name yet again, "that's why I'm not answering."

"Ah, I see."

"Oh look text messages, but they're definitely from Jimmy not Zacky."

"And how can you be sure?

"Well he asked me if I want to have a light saber duel to slowly forget the evil Darth Vader."

Amara laughed, "definitely Jimmy."

I sighed knowing what I had to do, "I have to talk to him eventually aren't I?"

"Sadly yes, I know you don't want to but you do."

"But why?"

"Because you're carrying his child and you love him."

"I've decided love is overrated," I mentioned rubbing my stomach thinking about how all I needed was my baby and myself. I didn't need anyone else, we would be fine on our own.

"Doesn't matter, he helped make the baby so there needs to be some kind of talking."

I thought about mention Adam but decided against it, "since I don't have my doctors appointment till January. I don't have to talk him till then right."

"I guess so."

"God, I don't even want to yell at him. There's something wrong with me."

"Its means you love the fuckhead."

"Maybe I'm more fucked up then we thought."

"We are what we are."

I thought about what she said, we are what we are. Meaning I couldn't change how Zacky felt or what Zacky thought about me or what he thought I felt. But I could change something, I could change the fact that all I could think about was him. I could change how I felt, I could stop being depressed all I needed was to get my mind off him.

I suddenly smiled realizing what I needed to do, "you're right. I can't change what I feel about him or how he feels about me but I can change how I feel. So fuck him, I'm going to be happy by going to the happiest place on earth, I'm going to Disneyland. Want to come?"

"Yeah, that would be cool."

"Okay well mind if I invite Jimmy?"

"Not at all, I'm probably going to invite Kass."

"Well I'm going to book the hotel, I'm thinking tomorrow."

"Sounds good, see you tomorrow then."

"Bye Amara."

I bit my lip quickly dialing Jimmy who answered quickly, "Bree! Are you okay?"

"Kind of? I'm trying to feel better but you know how that goes."

"Ya, so you up for the light saber duel."

"Not today but tomorrow I'm going to Disneyland, you want to come?"

"Disneyland? Oh like I would say no."

"Okay see you tomorrow. Pack clothes."

Feeling somewhat empowered I opened the text messages Zacky sent me. I made a face seeing that he sent me lyrics. I felt tears build up in the corner of my eyes remembering how he used to send my lyrics all the time, how he sent me The Used lyrics. I can't tell you why but suddenly the anger was back and thinking back to my ring tone I knew exactly what lyrics to send lyrics.

To Zacky;

Now I hope you're happy with yourself, 'cause I'm not laughing
Don't you think it's kind of crappy. What you did this holiday?
When I gave you my heart, you ripped it apart
Like wrapping paper trash.
So I wrote you a song, hope that you sing along
And it goes,
'Merry Christmas, kiss my ass!'