Sleep Tight, I'm Not Afraid

Hate. Searing, loathing, hate. It radiates off my body and boils under my skin. My blood pulses with hate as my heart is weighed down from hurt and betrayal. My fingers furiously pick at the strings on my guitar as I spill my emotions on a crumbled piece of paper.

An Epic of Time Wasted is scribbled on the top of the page with the following lyrics:

So much time I've wasted.
I can truly say I never thought it would come to this.
Never would I doubt you, but the truth kept smacking me in the face.
Reality. You never stopped to think and you ripped us apart.
How could you? Now our time is gone but it's still breaking my heart.
Tears run down as I think of the days we've had, and the memories will last forever,
but you and I have died and gone our separate ways.
You are the one.
You are the wrong one.
Breaking the mold.
Going your own way.
All I feel, betrayal.
So much time I've wasted, and I never thought it'd come to this.
Apology.
We had something great, then it was washed away.
We had something more, then I can explain.

A drop falls onto the paper, spreading the black ink. I wipe my eyes and set my guitar down, throwing my notebook halfway across the room. My hands tremble, my heart stutters, and my lips twitch as I remember the way she kissed me.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" I scream when the image of her laying in my bed comes to mind. The image of her beautiful smile, her soft red lips, her blond hair spread out on my pillow, and her tracing my tattoos.

There's a knock at my door and I quickly wipe my eyes and fix my shirt. "Come in," I say quietly and occupy myself with my guitar.

The door opens and in walks Matt. He shuts the door behind himself and sits next to me. "Working on some songs?" He asks me.

I nod. "I wrote one earlier. It's over there." I point to the tattered notebook. Matt gets up and grabs it then starts reading. "It's shit," I tell him.

After he finishes reading he looks at me. "Zack," he sighs and sits back down, "you are taking the whole Lindsey thing-"

"Don't. Bring. Her. Up," I say through clenched teeth. "It has nothing to do with her, okay? She isn't my life. I don't always think about her."

Matt sighs. "She isn't doing so well."

"Like I fucking care." I strum a chord on my guitar.

"Zack. We all fucking know you do. It's obvious." He holds up the lyrics. "You miss her. And it's killing you not being able to see her or talk to her. She has talked to me about a lot of things while she's been with me."

"Well that's fucking great for you." I really want to get off this topic but Matt isn't making it easy.

"Zack! God dammit! Stop being a fucking ignorant prick!" Matt shouts.

When Matt raises his voice it's almost like an earth quake shakes the room. Everything goes silent and you feel vibrations radiating off everything from his booming voice. I gulp and look up at him. "What the fuck do you want me to say, Matt?"

"I'm not telling you what to do or say, Zack. I just think you're taking things too far. She's on the verge of killing herself because of all the drugs she's doing!" My heart stings. "Every fucking day she is doing something. Weed, cocaine, whatever. She can't handle not being able to see you."

Even though I feel my heart breaking at the thought of her doing all of the drugs, I can't help but remember her saying she doesn't want me to care about her. "She doesn't give a fuck about me. She even told me."

Matt just laughs. "Whatever, Zack. Think whatever the fuck you want. Don't come crying to me when she goes overboard-"

"Don't even talk like that!" I shout. "Do you think I like the idea of her practically killing herself? NO. But I poured my fucking heart out to her and she just pushed me away. I can't handle shit like that. I don't like being played. I've dealt with it enough the past three years of fucking high school. I'm not going to let her crush me like that again."

Matt sighs. "All I'm saying is talk to her." He grabs his jacket then walks out of the room.

I push my guitar off my lap and rest my head in my hands. What the fuck am I going to do?