The Suicide Diaries

“It’s about goddamn time you two showed up!”

Zacky’s booming voice rings through the foggy cemetery, nine years after the first time we agreed to meet here every year. Brian and I grin at each other, secretly pleased that we still manage to piss Zachary off. My small hand is dwarfed in his, the long, tattooed thumb gently rubbing patterns on my skin. My smile widens and I stand on my tiptoes, pressing a soft kiss on his lips.

“You guys have been here less than two minutes, and you’re already sucking faces. Greaaatt,” Johnny teases, winking at me when I try to give him a mock glare.

“Shut up you guys. It’s been a week since we’ve seen each other,” Brian says.

He draws me back against his chest and wraps his arms around me, the warmth from his sweater making me feel comforted. He presses a soft kiss on my hair, the love he feels for me has me floating on cloud nine. Even at twenty years old and nine years together, he still takes my breath away. The gold wedding band on his hand signifies the love we have for each other, and I am comforted that he will never take that piece of jewelery off.

“Not a week!” Zacky jokes. “We haven’t seen you guys in nearly a month.”

“Not my fault you jumped the gun to get the fuck out of here,” Brian chuckles, shaking his head slightly.

Zacky’s always been big on dreams and plans, and that certainly hasn’t changed as he grew into a successful young man. He’s always been excited about today, planning it years in advanced. I was just surprised that we were all still up for it.

“Haha, very funny Brian. It’s good to see you man,” Zacky murmurs, opening his arms to embrace Brian.

Brian relaxes when he notices that Zacky isn’t going to butt heads with him anymore, and embraces him. I stand off in the sidelines awkwardly, tears coming to my eyes as Jimmy wraps an arm around my shoulder.

“Hey kiddo. You’re even more beautiful than I remember,” he tells me, pressing a kiss to my temple.

“Hi Jimmy. I’ve missed having you around,” I admitted, holding onto his lanky frame.

His arms, as bare as that first time, are much different than they used to be. Now they are bright and colourful, depictions of creatures and things Jimmy is interested in brandished on his skin. I recall being there with Brian the first time Jimmy got a tattoo, and watching both their faces as the love for such an art form grew. Now, all five of my boys have mottles of tattoos all over them, and piercings to match. They look more menacing now compared to the days when we were eleven and had no purpose or direction, but they are still the soft little teddy bears that they’ve always been.

“I missed you too. But hey, look on the bright side. We’ve got plenty of time to spend together now!” he says, brandishing his arms wide open in a theatrical way that makes me smile and laugh.

“You guys are too over dramatic. It hasn’t even been a month since we’ve all been together,” Matt comments, his dimpled smile still bright even in the darkness.

“You love us anyways, Mattie,” I reply, sticking out my tongue teasingly as he shakes his head.

“Zack didn’t think you guys were going to show up. He was pissed. For the entire time we were here, he bitched and moaned about it,” Johnny informed us, a sly smile on his face.

Zacky started to shove him playfully before grabbing a hold of him and giving him a big nuggy. His blonde and black Mohawk goes everywhere, and Johnny protests angrily. He's such a woman with his hair, even worse than my husband, who spends hours on end in the bathroom perfecting his messy 'do.

"Alright, alright. We're twenty years old, can we all act civil?" Matt asks, clapping Brian on the back as he comes to stand beside him.

Brian, Jimmy and I readily agree, and we join them, watching Zacky continue to be merciless with Johnny. It isn't fair that Short Shit gets so much..well...shit, but it's the rules of the hierarchy at their finest. Brian's fingers intertwine with mine, making me look at him. He's got a happy smile on his face, the one I will always remember.

"You okay?" he inquires.

"I'm fine. Glad to be with everyone again.There's a lot of nostalgia here," I comment, smiling back at him.

"I know. Just like old times right?" Zacky pipes up, finally letting go of Johnny.

The younger man quickly straightens himself up to fix his hair, running his hands over and over the spiky strands to make them stand on end. I smirk at his vanity, so many thoughts running through my mind. His way of getting here made the most sense, and came in close second to Brian and myself.

"Soooo," Matt drew out, looking at Brian and I. "I've always wanted to ask you guys this, but how was the eloping to Las Vegas?"

I blush as Brian grins down at me, squeezing my hands for effect. I can tell he's thinking about the long honeymoon, two weeks long to be exact, that held up our coming here.

"It was amazing. Baby girl has talent," Brian tells them, winking.

Horrified, I slap his bicep and scowl, not liking the fact that he is divulging intimate secrets to our best friends. Even though I know he's doing it to rile me up, it doesn't sway the fact that we'll still have to face these questions years from now.

"Guys, we did the right thing. Didn't we?" Johnny suddenly asks, startling everyone from the talking and joking.

We all turn to him, noticing that he's a little farther off from us, standing at a grave and gazing down at a tombstone. Immediately, my hand finds Brian's again, and tug him closer to me. We all walk towards Johnny, feeling hesitant and sad. This is the first time we've all been together in at least a month, and it's bittersweet.

"Johnny," I start, reaching out and touching his shoulder.

"We did the right thing, man. This is what we wanted," Zacky interrupts me, rubbing the back of his neck.

It's then that I see the thick red line, now dulled from days gone by. It looks irritated still, and Zacky's hands itch to scratch it. He sees me looking and tugs the collar up on his red checkered shirt, grinning sheepishly.

"Some people got off easier than others," he says, shrugging his shoulders as he looks towards Matt.

The dimpled beauty smiles and turns around, showing the back of his head. At the top left place, there is a patch of hair missing, and the skin is puckered and red.

"It all heals Zack. It takes time. Johnny of course took the least messy way out," Matt jokes, fondly punching his 'brother' on the shoulder.

"Overdosing on pills was the fastest way I knew how to do it. Zacky's funeral was hard enough, but when I had to go to yours, I knew that I had to take the whole bottle."

"I did it the cool way, dude. Fucking exhausted my money buying a '68 Chevy Camaro, floored it and just breathed in the sweet Carbon Monoxide," Jimmy laughs, trying to one up everyone again.

Brian and I look at each other again, smiles soft and all telling. We had to endure each of their funerals, and then eloped to Vegas to spend our last remaining days together. That's what took us so long to join them, but I was glad we had. As if he thought what I was thinking, Brian rolls up his sleeves the same time I did, exposing the bright red cuts down our forearms. We had gone out like Sid and Nancy, cutting ourselves in the bathtub of our newly purchased home and dying in each others arms. It was a sad thing, leaving life behind, but we had made a pact on October 31st, 2005 that we would write our own suicide diaries and leave them behind for the next generation of misfits to find.

It had been the diary that had changed us all. We had grown accustomed to consulting it every Halloween we met up, and had somehow grew obsessed with it. Zacky was the one, of course, to consider a rebirth of the teenage suicides of Huntington Beach in October, but it had been delayed two years due to personal issues. A promise was a promise, however, and we all had to meet our fate.

And here we were. The six of us, all dead and wandering around the cemetary as ghosts ready to leave our mark behind. I looked down at the tombstone Johnny was reading and saw that it was his. The grass hadn't gotten a chance to grow over like Zacky's and Matt's had, and Jimmy, Brian and my final resting places were still brown with overturned dirt. On each of our tombstones was a tiny diary, written up to the days before we committed suicide.

"This is it, guys. This is our life now," Zacky says, looking at Brian and I. "What should we do with it?"

"Get me my orange kimono and we'll go scare the shit out of some kids!" Jimmy exclaims, clapping his hands like a four year old.

"My god, Jimmy," Brian groans, rolling his eyes.

The four of them bicker like mad but I break away, coming to a stand still beside Johnny. I grab his hand, squeezing it softly.

"I know you didn't want this for your life, Johnny. You didn't have to go through with it," I whisper to him, tears once more in my eyes.

"Yes I did. You guys are my life, and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if you all went away and I was living. I just wish Zacky didn't have big ass ideas," Johnny replies, a slight chuckle to his voice.

"Well look on the bright side. We'll be forever young."

Johnny smiles at this, and squeezes my hand. His eyes are warm and happy, and he hugs me tightly.

"You're amazing, Andie. I'm glad you're going to be spending the rest of your ghostly life with me," he jokes.

"Me too, JC. Now, go have fun with the boys before the sun comes up. Enjoy your Halloween," I tell him, feeling like his mother.

He smiles impishly and darts off, letting me get back to my own guilt about killing myself. I am glad that I could be with my friends again, but there are so many things I never got to do. The boys were already off and running, their figures disappearing easily in the thick darkness. I let them go, wandering down to the last couple of graves, where my own is nestled between Brian's and my father's.

'Andie Mary Chambers
March 2nd, 1981-October 21st, 2001.
Loving wife, gentle soul, beautiful woman.' I read.

"Even in death you are so fucking sexy," Brian breathes as he comes up behind me, his arms wrapping around my waist.

"I thought you were going off with the boys?" I inquire, still staring down at my tombstones.

"Well I couldn't leave my wife alone to contemplate her short life. After all, it's the first night of our forever," he murmurs into my neck, pressing soft kisses there.

I shiver at the heat only he can create, but miss the thudding rush of my heart as my body gets excited. It's saddening to me that my favourite feeling of being alive will never be the same as it used to, but I don't want to keep being so bitter.

"I love you Andie. I did this with you because I love you. I want to be with you forever, and this was the only way," he tells me.

"I love you too, Brian. It's insane how much I fucking love you. I killed myself with you, baby boy. If that doesn't show you commitment, I don't know what will," I lightly joke, turning around and wrapping my arms around his neck.

"We were always a bunch of sick and twisted kids. Nobody would get it," Brian murmurs, his lips just brushing against mine.

It's true, no one would. They'd all be angry with us for taking our lives, but they don't understand just how important we are to one another.

I stand on my tiptoes to press my mouth harder onto his, moaning as the kiss turns out to be every bit as good as it was when I was alive.

"Happy Halloween, Andie," Brian murmurs, brushing a strand of dark hair from my face as he smiles.

"Happy Halloween, Bri."