Status: Finished
Agnes the Nun
One
A polar bear charged through the hallway. Flattening herself against the wall to let the enormous creature past, Agnes the nun sighed. Their customers were becoming increasingly more varied these days.
Agnes took the next flight of stairs down to the Hogwarts Secret Wine Cellar. Many years ago, Michael Jackson had shown her where it was, as well as teaching her to dance to Thriller. It was said that only those who could dance like a zombie could access this highly secret location.
"Cotton candy!" Agnes said to the portrait of the king that guarded the entrance to the wine cellar. In all her years as a member of HATS the password had never once changed. The King thought this a terrible lack of judgement but never said anything, as he was worried that Agnes and the others would simply tease him about his premature hair loss.
A man in an explorer's kit was examining the racks of wine gloomily. A hereditary gypsy curse had prevented him from ever finding true love but Terry the explorer took great comfort in measuring things. He had a special ruler from 1963 that he carried around with him at all times, for quiet moments like these when his only real options were to wallow in his eternal, loveless misery or to measure things. Terry did a lot of measuring.
"Did you see that polar bear?" Agnes asked Terry as she strolled into the room.
"Yes, he tried to push to the front of the queue but I told him he had to wait in line," Terry replied, not looking up from his measuring task for a moment.
"Excellent," Agnes said briskly. "Who is first?"
"Your mum," Terry replied. Glancing up, he saw Agnes's horrified face. "Don't be like that, I think she really needs the HATS."
"Fine," grumbled Agnes, uncharacteristically grouchy for a nun. But she knew that the Help and Training Society were there for the good of all, no matter what, so she swallowed her pride, not without bitterness, and went to listen to her mother's problem.
To her surprise, Agnes couldn't see her mum when she got to the waiting room. That is, until she looked up at the ceiling and saw her mother floating about over her head.
"Hello dear, I seem to have run into a spot of bother," the floating figure called from overhead. "I seem to be no longer subject to the laws of gravity!"
Agnes asked her what had happened and her mother explained that she had just nipped down to the supermarket to buy some mushrooms when she took a wrong turn and ended up in the Mines of Moria. Unfortunately, it was Friday the 13th and the locals did not approve of her presence at their holy festival so they cast a spell and Agnes's mother lost her gravitational mass. It had apparently taken her a long time to get to the Hogwarts Secret Magic Wine Cellar to ask for help from HATS.
After hearing this explanation, Agnes knew what she had to do. First she consulted Terry to check that her calculations were correct. He was an explorer, after all, and so knew a great many things about the way of the world. Agnes selected one of the bottles of wine from the rack on the wall.
"In here is the antidote to the spell the locals of Moira cast on you," Agnes told her other. What she did not tell her was that a side effect of the concoction would be to transport the user to the White House. If it would get rid of her...
Agnes's mother disappeared with a deafening bang as she was transported to the White House. Agnes smiled happily. Finally she was gone! She had also not told her that when she got there, the date would be the 25th December 1 B.C.!
Agnes turned her attention back to the polar bear. Noticing he was sweating, she turned the radiator down and began listening to his problem. Despite having limited knowledge of the language of the bears, she managed to establish that tomorrow would be the long-anticipated Battle of the Teaspoons and it was already 2:15 on Tuesday. They had so much preparation to do before the battle! Agnes thanked the bear for coming, assuring him that it would all be alright and HATS would take care of it.
Sadly, Agnes was about to have other things on her mind. Terry burst into the room yelling, "The cops are onto us! They know we're going to try and help the shiny grey ones win the battle of the teaspoons!"
Agnes grabbed the bottle of wine she kept for emergencies and thrust it roughly into Terry's hands. He drank it, which made him shrink so Agnes could fit him in her womb. She then teleported to Liverpool Street Station. Nobody expected an illegal supporter of the shiny grey teaspoons to be hiding there, least of all in the womb of a nun. Once the cops had gone, Terry and Agnes escaped into the night, helping the teaspoons win the battle. Another great victory for the HATS!
Agnes took the next flight of stairs down to the Hogwarts Secret Wine Cellar. Many years ago, Michael Jackson had shown her where it was, as well as teaching her to dance to Thriller. It was said that only those who could dance like a zombie could access this highly secret location.
"Cotton candy!" Agnes said to the portrait of the king that guarded the entrance to the wine cellar. In all her years as a member of HATS the password had never once changed. The King thought this a terrible lack of judgement but never said anything, as he was worried that Agnes and the others would simply tease him about his premature hair loss.
A man in an explorer's kit was examining the racks of wine gloomily. A hereditary gypsy curse had prevented him from ever finding true love but Terry the explorer took great comfort in measuring things. He had a special ruler from 1963 that he carried around with him at all times, for quiet moments like these when his only real options were to wallow in his eternal, loveless misery or to measure things. Terry did a lot of measuring.
"Did you see that polar bear?" Agnes asked Terry as she strolled into the room.
"Yes, he tried to push to the front of the queue but I told him he had to wait in line," Terry replied, not looking up from his measuring task for a moment.
"Excellent," Agnes said briskly. "Who is first?"
"Your mum," Terry replied. Glancing up, he saw Agnes's horrified face. "Don't be like that, I think she really needs the HATS."
"Fine," grumbled Agnes, uncharacteristically grouchy for a nun. But she knew that the Help and Training Society were there for the good of all, no matter what, so she swallowed her pride, not without bitterness, and went to listen to her mother's problem.
To her surprise, Agnes couldn't see her mum when she got to the waiting room. That is, until she looked up at the ceiling and saw her mother floating about over her head.
"Hello dear, I seem to have run into a spot of bother," the floating figure called from overhead. "I seem to be no longer subject to the laws of gravity!"
Agnes asked her what had happened and her mother explained that she had just nipped down to the supermarket to buy some mushrooms when she took a wrong turn and ended up in the Mines of Moria. Unfortunately, it was Friday the 13th and the locals did not approve of her presence at their holy festival so they cast a spell and Agnes's mother lost her gravitational mass. It had apparently taken her a long time to get to the Hogwarts Secret Magic Wine Cellar to ask for help from HATS.
After hearing this explanation, Agnes knew what she had to do. First she consulted Terry to check that her calculations were correct. He was an explorer, after all, and so knew a great many things about the way of the world. Agnes selected one of the bottles of wine from the rack on the wall.
"In here is the antidote to the spell the locals of Moira cast on you," Agnes told her other. What she did not tell her was that a side effect of the concoction would be to transport the user to the White House. If it would get rid of her...
Agnes's mother disappeared with a deafening bang as she was transported to the White House. Agnes smiled happily. Finally she was gone! She had also not told her that when she got there, the date would be the 25th December 1 B.C.!
Agnes turned her attention back to the polar bear. Noticing he was sweating, she turned the radiator down and began listening to his problem. Despite having limited knowledge of the language of the bears, she managed to establish that tomorrow would be the long-anticipated Battle of the Teaspoons and it was already 2:15 on Tuesday. They had so much preparation to do before the battle! Agnes thanked the bear for coming, assuring him that it would all be alright and HATS would take care of it.
Sadly, Agnes was about to have other things on her mind. Terry burst into the room yelling, "The cops are onto us! They know we're going to try and help the shiny grey ones win the battle of the teaspoons!"
Agnes grabbed the bottle of wine she kept for emergencies and thrust it roughly into Terry's hands. He drank it, which made him shrink so Agnes could fit him in her womb. She then teleported to Liverpool Street Station. Nobody expected an illegal supporter of the shiny grey teaspoons to be hiding there, least of all in the womb of a nun. Once the cops had gone, Terry and Agnes escaped into the night, helping the teaspoons win the battle. Another great victory for the HATS!