I Lost Her

When I didn't see her sitting on the bench, I knew why. She was gone.

I sucked in my bottom lip and bit down, dragging myself to the spot where she should have been. I sat there for a long time, just thinking and wiping away tears. Nobody bothered me or even glanced in my direction, perhaps because they knew too.

I couldn't bare to think about Riley, it was too painful. It made my heart pound and the air vanish from my lungs. As much as I didn't want to admit to myself that she was never coming back, I had to. I had to think about her. Doing that would help me be okay in the end. I couldn't just bottle up all of the memories and keep it on a shelf. I did that when my mom died, and look where it's gotten me now.

I wanted to remember her. I wanted to soak her all in and never forget any of the details. I could still hear her girly little giggle and see her auburn hair flow with the wind. I would miss the way her bright green eyes lit up when she talked about something she loved or how she had a way with words, casting some sort of powerful effect over me. But most of all, I'd never forget the way she felt in my arms the night before.

If I could have taken her place I would, because who would even care if I were dead or alive? My dad was just about the only person I could think of, and even then I'm sure he'd be happy to see me six feet underground.

I felt lonely all of a sudden and.. unwanted. People would soon forget about me if I were to die, having left no impact on any of them. Yet Riley, she had probably touched the lives of hundreds, adding me to the mix somewhere along the way. A girl like her deserved to be alive, not a worthless piece of shit like me.

I don't know why I did it, but I ended up standing in front of Riley's door, wondering if I should knock or turn away. Her father appeared right when I was about to leave, though. His eyes were red and he didn't look put together at all. But what else would you expect when you lose a child?

I cleared my throat. "H-hi, sir. I, um, I was friends with-"

"I know," he said in a soft tone, closing his eyes and nodding his head before stepping to the side and holding the door open. "Come on in, son."

I saw Riley's mother sitting at the kitchen table by herself and knew that it was just the two of them now. I felt out of place, like I didn't belong. After following Mr. Gallagher in, I took at seat across from him.

"I can't really explain why I'm here, because I don't know," I said. "But I just felt like I had to come."

"We know. Thank you though, for everything," Riley's mom said.

"But I didn't do anything. I should be the one thanking you for letting me spend time with her. She really was something else," I stated, realizing I was smiling.

Her parents smiled too, but remained quiet. They didn't have to energy to say anything more.

"Why.. Shouldn't she have stayed in a hospital?" I said without thinking, immediately regretting barging into their life. I was a stranger to them.

"It would have definitely kept her alive longer, but it would have been a painful journey all the way until her final days. Riley didn't want to be shut up in a white room with needles stuck in her arm around the clock," her father said as my eyes became watery. "She wanted to be out and breathe in fresh air as she took her last breath. Son, I can't thank you enough for spending time with her. It kept her mind off of the inevitable and a constant smile on her face for these past few days she'd been with you."

"I-I'm sorry I couldn't save her."

"Oh, son. You did save her, more than you'll ever know," he said.

I guess, in a way, I helped her live again, maybe for the last time, but I would never take any credit for that, because she didn't need me to make her happy. She was everything to me, even though I had known her for less than two weeks. She accepted that she wasn't going to make it much longer, or live to see the legal drinking age. She was scared, no doubt. Who wouldn't be? But she hid it well, like she didn't want you to remember her as a terrified child.

"She loved you, you know," her mom told me. My head shot up before the tears fell and I looked back down. I didn't expect that. Mrs. Gallagher reached out and grabbed my hand, something Riley always did.

"I loved her too."

And I did. Maybe I didn't know it until now, maybe it hadn't even occurred to me that I had even the slightest idea about what love was. But I knew I felt it, if only for a second.

"I want you to have this," she said as she a slid a dark purple notebook across the table.

I opened it and flipped through a few pages, realizing it was Riley's diary. I tried pushing it back across to her. "I can't take this."

"Yes, you can. We want you to have it, she would want you to have it."

I took the book and promised them I would think of Riley every day for the rest of my life before I left.

~!@#$%^&*()_+

Riley's ten days were up, and so were mine.

I hugged my grandparents and told them I'd be back soon, for some closure. They said that I was welcome any time and then headed back to the car.

As I sat on the plane, I pulled out her little purple diary.

This dairy belongs to: Riley Gallagher

This heart of mine belongs to Riley Gallagher too.

I flipped to the next page and didn't even make through the first sentence before something bright caught my eye. I glanced out the window and saw the sunset reflecting off the harbor. I grinned as I scanned over the little town. Her street, the hot chocolate stand, the church, the merry-go-round, the mountain, the park, the bowling alley, and the restaurant. I found them all.

I'd never forget Riley Gallagher, and I didn't want to. All she wanted to do was change how I thought about Benton Harbor, but she ended up changing me as a person. She told me I'd be happy if I tried baseball again and actually talked to my father. So that's what I was going to do as soon as we landed--turn my life around and strive to be happy.