I Lost Her

"Do you enjoy watching me fucking suffer in this weather? Because it's not funny," I said to her.

"You're not suffering," she giggled. "You just aren't very good at adapting, which does make it a little funny to me."

"Oh, yeah, real fucking hilarious-"

I was cut short. My face collided with the snow, and not even two seconds later I heard Riley laughing her ass off.

I pushed myself up off the ground and raised my head to the sky. "I FUCKING HATE WINTER!"

Riley ran over to me and put a hand to mouth. Without thinking, I tore her fingers from me. She looked scared, and I.. I felt bad.

"I-I'm sorry," she said quietly. "You can dislike winter all you want, but please keep your swearing to a minimum. There's kids out here," she finished, her breaths short and choppy, before she looked down.

I forced myself to say it. "I'm sorry, too." Normally, it wasn't in me to apologize. If I offended you, super, I didn't give a shit.

I figured I'd try and be nice, though. "Do you want some hot chocolate or something? You look really cold."

"Um, I didn't bring any money," Riley explained, wrapping her arms tighter around herself.

I sighed, unable to believe that I was about to do this. "Here, take my coat."

"No, no. You keep it. You only have a sweatshirt," she protested, trying give it back.

"I'll be okay," I assured her. "Come on, let's get some hot chocolate." I started walking, but stopped when I noticed she wasn't following me.

"I'll let you buy me some, just this once, but you're going the wrong way. The best hot chocolate in town is this way," Riley said, pointing behind her, grin on her lips.

"Do you love it here as much as you let on?" I asked.

"Sure do. I traveled all over a few years back but, uh, I stopped about a year ago," she explained before looking away from me.

"Why?" I badgered, wanting an answer.

"Here we are," she said instead, motioning towards a little wooden stand right off the sidewalk. I wondered why the hell she wouldn't tell me.

"Hello, Rita," she greeted the lady. "Can we have two with marshmallows, please?"

"Sure thing." The woman poured us some hot chocolate and set the cups on the little counter. I paid her while Riley grabbed the cups. I noticed a bruise on her wrist forming already. I didn't even think I grabbed her that hard..

"Holy shit, I'm sorry," I said, somewhat surprising myself.

"For what?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I told her, looking to her wrist with a frown on my face.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I bruise easily," Riley said like it was nothing before holding up her cup. "Cheers."

"To what?"

She didn't hesitate. "Life."

Although I might not have fully agreed with her, I clanged my cup against hers anyway then took a sip. "Fuck, that's hot."

She giggled. "It's called hot chocolate for a reason, Landon." I found myself smiling because, God, did I like the way my name rolled off her tongue.

"Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to, I'm just curious."

"I guess."

Riley took a sip from her cup before speaking. "Why do you act like such a bad boy?" she asked.

I hesitated. "I wasn't always like this, you know."

"Then what's the reason you became such a jerk to everyone around you?"

For the first time in a long time, I was actually hurt by someone's words. I turned to look at her and saw the sincerity in her eyes. I felt like I could spill my guts out to her and she wouldn't judge me. So that's what I did.

"Um, two years ago my mom died in a car accident. I was never close to my dad before, but after she died, we wouldn't even look at each other. So my way of coping with it all was to go out and fuck around. I went to parties, I drank, I hooked up with girls, I vandalized shit. I did it all," I told her. "I pretty much destroyed the house, and that's when my dad really cracked. He screamed at me for a good hour, and I just sat there, rolling my eyes, not really paying attention. Then he told me to pack my bags and he drove me to the airport, and now I'm here, in hell."

"I'm really sorry about all that. I wish that wouldn't have happened."

"Yeah, well," I sighed. "It did."

"Maybe once you get back, things will be better," she tried.

"I doubt it."

"What were you like before-" Riley said, stopping as though what she was about to say would anger or sadden me.

"Before she died? You can say it, you know. It doesn't bother me much anymore," I said. "I was actually-" I paused as I began trying to remember who I was underneath my little act. "I was a really nice guy. I swore, sure, but what guy doesn't? I had a lot of friends, I treated people nice, I was great at baseball. And.. I was happy."

"You're not happy now?"

I held back some laughter. "Look at me," I stated, standing up and moving in front of her. "Do I look happy?"

Riley stared into my eyes for a long time, and I felt myself getting lost in her own. "I don't know," she answered honestly. "But maybe if you tried being the person you were before, maybe you might be happy again."

I let out a long sigh. "To hell if I know."

"I'm really tired, I should probably get some rest. Do you mind if I head back home?"

"No, it's alright," I said, a bit of disappointment in my voice. Where was this coming from?

She stood up next to me and threw away her cup. Strange, she'd barely taken four sips. "Tomorrow's Sunday.. So pretty much everyone around here goes to church. Would you like to come with me?"

"I'm not a very religious guy, plus, I don't have anything to wear," I explained, hands in my pockets.

"Don't worry, we don't judge much around here," she smiled. "I'll meet you back here at about eight forty-five tomorrow morning, and we'll walk over. Mass starts at nine."

"Okay."

"See you tomorrow, Landon," she waved before turning away and walking down the street, my coat still draped across her back.

"Goodbye, Riley," I whispered, watching her disappear into the distance.