You Win

“We’re picking up Maggie by the way,” Carter said as he pulled out of our driveway.

“I can’t believe you guys are like… dating now,” I said, tapping my fingers on the thighs of my new jeans nervously. Only about 10% of my brain was on the conversation at hand, the other 90% on the fact that I was going to be seeing Luke very, very soon.

“We’re not dating,” he said, no emotion present in his voice or his face.

“Well… whatever. I can’t believe you guys are not dating.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.”

He laughed. “Whatever.”

I sighed. “So… Luke’s back today, right?”

“What?” Carter asked, glancing at me. “Where did he go?”

I shrugged, slumping in my seat. “Never mind.”

I didn’t want to talk anymore because I was so nervous. I realized it was kind of ridiculous to feel nervous, but I couldn’t help it.

“Hey,” Maggie said as she hopped in the back of Carter’s car, bringing me to the present for a moment. I tried to physically disappear as Maggie leaned forward to the front seat and gave my brother a small kiss somewhere in the general area of his face. This was definitely going to take some getting used to.

“Find any new best friends since yesterday, Caroline?” Maggie asked as she clipped on her seatbelt and we pulled onto the road again.

“Yes, several.”

She laughed and chatted with Carter until we got to school. I felt a little left out but I got over it quickly as I stepped out of the car and starting looking around for Luke, while simultaneously trying to make it look like I wasn’t looking for him. I was nervous but honestly, I just wanted to see him. It was comforting to be around him.

I didn’t end up seeing him until lunch. Classes were tedious and boring and I probably tuned out every word that had been said to me all morning.

As soon as I entered the lunchroom I felt a hand on my arm yanking me back into the hall.

“Maggie, what are you doing?” I asked, pulling my arm away from her and rubbing it gently. “What have I told you about using violence to get what you want?”

She looked mildly panicked as she stuttered, “I, um, I have to show you something?”

“Do you?”

“Yes?”

There was this weird silence where I was confused and she was confused and I knew something was happening and I knew she didn’t want to tell me and she didn’t want me to know even though she knew I would know sooner or later and we just stood there for a moment and let the weirdness flow between us.

“So anyway…” I said, getting past the moment and moving on. I started walking back into the lunchroom.

“Caroline.”

“Maggie, what is your issue? Is it something with you and Carter?” It was the only thing I could think would make her act so strange.

“Uh, no, not exactly.” She looked at the ground momentarily and then back up at me. “It’s just… you know… I just…”

“Okay, I don’t have time for this. I’m hungry and I want to talk to Luke and you’re not making any sense.”

I walked into the lunchroom and scoped it out for Luke. If Maggie needed to talk to me about something, she could do so whenever she wanted, of course. But only if she was actually going to talk.

Luke was at his usual table and I tried to catch his eye but he must not have seen me. So I headed over there, suddenly nervous again. I grasped my paper lunch bag a little harder.

“Hey, Luke,” I said as I came up to his table. Carter wasn’t there but a few other people were. A few basketball players, miscellaneous girls, etc. My eyes landed on Megan Cartley who was sitting right next to Luke. Megan Cartley, who I had completely forgotten about until this very moment. Megan Cartley, who had her hand gently placed on Luke’s knee.

What?

I very unattractively choked on air for a second.

What?

“Oh, Caroline. Hi,” Luke said awkwardly.

“Hi.” I didn’t know what else to say.

He looked at me and continued to not say anything.

“So, um…” I had forgotten the English language. I could not form a single coherent word.

“Do you want to sit down?” Megan asked, gesturing toward the empty seat across from her.

I shook my head. “No. No I do not want to sit down, but thank you, Megan. You are very sweet.”

She smiled and I could tell she was a little confused, but I didn’t dwell on it because I was massively confused because what the hell was going on? Luke still wasn’t saying anything and now he wasn’t even looking at me, but it was the intentional kind of not looking, which was in itself more of an action than actually looking at someone.

I don’t know why I kept standing there. I don’t know what kept me there. I think I just wanted someone to correct the situation, clarify that it was not what it appeared to be. Because it appeared to be Megan Cartley—who had previously spoken of her interest in Luke, and his apparent interest in her—it appeared to be Megan and Luke sitting at their lunch table being an item.

Were they together? Were they just testing things out? Nobody could know!

And the fact that these questions were plausible questions after everything that had happened in his kitchen… it was unreal. But it was real enough to hurt. That part was definitely real.

And eventually my mouth started moving, which I was glad for because it meant the weird, awkward, unexplained silence was over, but it also meant that I was talking and that I was saying things. And I don’t know what I said, because I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying, because I was looking at Luke who still wasn’t looking at me. So most likely what happened was that I rambled on about something incoherently before setting my paper bag lunch down on the table and walking away.

I don’t know why I put my lunch there. I don’t really remember doing so, but when I got out of the cafeteria there was no lunch in my hand. There was Maggie, though. Which was nice because my head was very much in a state of drowning and so I was sort of acting like a belligerently drunk person, not being able to walk straight or talk clearly.

“I’m sorry, Caroline.”

I nodded my head.

“I didn’t know what to do. I tried to stop you…”

I nodded my head again.

Maggie led me to the girl’s bathroom, which was pleasantly empty. I sat down on the floor even though it was gross because my need to sit down was stronger than my natural aversion to grossness.

“What’s going on?” I asked. I was honestly confused. And I didn’t want to start assuming, but I also didn’t want to be stupid.

“I’m not completely sure…”

I waited because I knew she was lying.

“Well when I was with Carter yesterday he was talking, which he does a lot—too much probably. So I wasn’t really listening very well because we were eating which is enough to distract me from his voice, but then he started talking about Luke which made me start to listen. And basically what he said is that he hasn’t seen Luke much lately because he’s always off with Megan Cartley.” Her eyes were squinted and she was thinking. “But that was an exaggeration I think, okay, so don’t get too pissed yet. Because I think when he said Luke’s always off with Megan he meant that Luke had ditched Carter for Megan once, maybe twice. So I mean, it’s not as bad as it sounds…”

She was trying, I’d give her that.

“When did he start… ditching Carter for her?” I didn’t know how else to say it.

“That I don’t know.”

“I kissed him.”

She paused. “I know that Caroline…”

“No, I mean I kissed him. Like two days ago. In his kitchen. And he kissed me back. And I don’t know what’s going on.”

Maggie was silent. I thought she was going to get mad. I thought her anger was building up in the silence and she was going to have an outburst of curses and threats. But when she did speak, she said, “Let’s ditch this place.”

So we left.