Everything but My Heart

There was nothing that could have convinced me to sleep that night. My mind was racing and felt like I was having the vampire equivalent to an anxiety attack except if I only had a working heart I'm sure it would have been beating wildly. Bella was asleep next to me but I laid there motionless as I slowly pondered once more what had become of my life. I didn't cry but I couldn't get the image of Jake's hurt eyes out of my head. I wasn't particularly close to Bella on the bed this time so I cautiously slipped out from the covers and stared at her momentarily as I saw her chest rising and falling with every breath. I turned to the window which was left open and jumped down catching myself gracefully on the leaf covered ground. It reminded me of the time Jake came through the window and that pushed me go even further despite the danger I knew at was looming about.

I figured with my new found strength that I was at least capable to defend myself. There was silence around I could hear music playing gently from Edward's room above and Emmett and Rosalie were talking about something. I looked around unsure of what to do surely they could hear me outside but I walked at a human pace taking in the nature around the Cullen's house. I was nearly tempted to go the the road and see if we had passed by it's location since if you weren't looking for it intently you could miss it, which is how I supposed it had to be. 

I went to the forest since there was more of an adventure than walking down the one main road that I had seen plenty enough. I brushed my hand gently against a tree as I disappeared under the treetops cover creating more darkness not like that was a problem anymore. I skipped around playfully for a few minutes dancing with myself until I reached a large ravine. The water flowed with a gentle current and I watched a few leaves being swept away down into the unknown. There were huge rock formations for the entire way up and down the ravine that I could see. Fallen trees and dead logs were left behind some near the waters edge half on land still. It was quite a jump down maybe thirty to fifty feet if I had to make an educated guess. I realized it certainly couldn't kill me so there was no harm as I counted to three still holding to my stupid humanish fear. My legs caught me perfectly without so much as a wobble of instability and I was a foot away from the rippling water. The breeze rustled the trees above and I was only wearing shorts and a tee shirt of Bella's, which reminded me that she would be done with her "camping trip" tomorrow. I wondered if the water would still feel cold so I got nearer and dipped my naked toes in feeling nothing but the wetness.

I silently hoped that there was no random shark, not like there actually would be, or man eating fish that would come and take my legs off before I sat myself down on the edge of the water. I plopped my legs in with a small splash that got my face damp, I laughed to myself before I wiped it off. Since there were no trees above I could see the stars shining above being occasionally hidden by the clouds passing by. "Even the stars die out eventually, and I am going to outlive them." It was a fascinating fact that came to my mind as I laid on my back and continued to stare at the sky my legs still submerged in the water. I heard rustling from the opposite side of the ravine but I didn't bother to look at least not right away I was too caught up in self pity as I held my eyes closed trying not to cry again.  

"Isn't it a little late for a swim?" I smiled at her voice that was across from me and I propped myself up on my elbows to see her smiling widely one leg perched on a broken log. 

"Eh, it's never too late when you have forever." The sorrow still lingered in my voice and she must have taken noticed since her smile fell. 

"Still upset?" I shrugged my shoulders the best I could before I looked around to spot someone else.

"Why is it that you're always alone?" I chuckled and she merely stuck her tongue out at me. I sat up fully contemplating crossing the short water to be actually face to face with her but I knew there was a divider and I didn't want to cross it. 

"Because I'm a bitch thats why." I laughed as did she, but it was short lived as we both noticed two wolves watching from a few yards away still on the higher part of the cliff. 

"They probably don't want you talking to the newest Cullen member." 

"More or less." She mouthed facing only me so they wouldn't see, any happiness I had was gone once more as I waved sadly watching her shift back to her wolf form. She jumped the cliff with ease and I saw her walk before Sam and Jake, the two wolves I recognized, Sam had to nudge Jake to leave as I was left alone. I wondered what it would be like to be a wolf instead of a vampire. I could slice people in half with one swipe of my claw, or paw or whatever they called them. I heard a twig snap on the opposite side again and I looked up to see his eyes staring at me again. I looked down after a minute watching the water flow in and around my legs. 

He didn't move, he simply stood there watching. I didn't move either. When I looked at him again though after another minute had passed I saw him in his human form, yet he still remained motionless. "Are you going to talk or just keep stalking me?" I asked him breaking our silence and sending him out of his little zombie-like state. Once more he said nothing as he copied my move from earlier landing in a squat on the lower section of the ravine. He nearly snapped a log that looked freshly fallen as he tromped over it with a crunch sound. 

"She said you were dead." His voice was hardly above a whisper as his eyes were downcast to the rocky floor. His shirt was off and I could feel myself drooling mentally since e moonlight seemed to reflect of his muscles perfectly. 

"Sometimes I'd rather I was." I replied with a small smile looking into the chocolate brown eyes that haunt me. 

"I don't, none of us do. We all miss you." He sat across from me the five foot stretch of water separating us. 

"I miss you all too, more than you could know. But at least I'm home now." 

"Where were you?" I hesitated answering him but there really was no harm in the matter. "Italy." He nodded and another round of silence began and I shuffled my position a few times in the awkwardness. 

"How's Embry?" I saw him look at me with a flash of jealousy on his eyes. He couldn't have been jealous, not of Embry anyway. 

"Eh, he's been better." His tone turned sour. 

"And you?" I said softly even though his eyes were scanning the forest behind me. I got no answer and I didn't know whether he was ignoring me or too wrapped in his own thoughts. "Jake." I smiled a little this time as his head snapped to me.

"What?" What a perfect guy answer, he even did it in that I-have-no-idea-what's-going-on tone. 

"I asked how you were." My smile grew a little more as I scooped a passing leaf in my hand and watched the water drip. 

"I'm fine nothing overly new, there's a prom at school in a few months." 

"Oohh, got anyone you wanna ask in mind yet?" I would have given him a nudge if he had been next to me.

"Yeah." He said and I finally saw a genuine smile read across his face. 

"Well good." I dropped my smile when I realized the fact that it wasn't going to be me. "I should probably head back, wouldn't want anyone worrying." I stood taking my legs out of the water and feeling the access slide down my leg and pooling around my bare feet. 

"Tell Bella I say hi." Jake called to me before I went to say goodbye and that crushed every hope I had in my mind that imprinting lasted throughout a vampiric changing. "It was good seeing you Jake." I replied before twisting myself away in the opposite direction, running away feeling even worst than I had before.