Musician's Do It Better

I was curled up in the center of my bed, lying on my side. I could hear my puppy’s teeth grinding over dry food from her bowl that rested out in the hall, and it made my stomach churn with vial feeling acids. The simple thought of eating made me sick, and the fact I would drink water made me turn green with nausea. The clock was emitting its bright green letters in the dark confinements of my room and I watched with sleepless eyes as the numbers flicked to 4:44am. I couldn’t help but cry as I tucked my head into the ball I had curled into. My mother would always tell me 444 was the angels number, and she would say a joyous ‘Hello angels!’ when she caught the number in any form or any place.

This time was special to her but evil to me- though I always seemed to be their when the clock ticked to it, or we passed the house with the number in an uncomfortably silent car ride. Mom still whispered out her greeting but with a little less enthusiasm than when I would sing out the hello with her.

The patter of paws stopped when Moxie jumped up onto my bed, whimpering when she pressed her tiny wet nose into the palm I had laying upwards and open on the black comforter. Like I could feel it, she smelled the pain that ran through my veins thicker then blood it’s self. Part of me wanted to whisper comforting words to her, but when I opened my mouth to do that, my vocal cords locked and refused to allow sound. So I petted her lightly on the head, before getting up to get a shower.

The only time I could get a shower without being pestered and disturbed by the sounds of people listening- eager to see if I would sing in the shower like I used to do almost a year ago. Moxie whined, but curled into a ball on the sofa and watched silently as I grabbed a set of my school uniform and hair supplies before leaving. I grabbed a towel from the linen closet before blasting the scorching water from the shower faucet, and getting in. My red started to turn red like a lobsters as the hot water ran onto the tainted skins I called my body. My least favorite thing to do was shaving, but as I directed the water to the wall, and sat down I knew it had to be done.

Silently I lathered shaving cream onto my legs, and after taking a deep breath picked up the razor, and pulled it up my leg, happy that I hadn’t broken open healing cuts. It was as I finished my left leg and started the right one what I messed up. The memories were flooding back like they will do at the worst of times- and as I pulled it up the last line of cream left on my legs I pressed down to heard as my breath quavered, stopping the blade into my inner thigh.

My breath hitched as the pain sprang up my leg, and I removed the razor from my flesh, sitting it to the side and silently standing up. I acted like nothing happened as I showered, and dried. Bandaging the cut I pulled on my uniform and blow dried my hair before pinning the annoying strands back with bobby-pins.
I put on some chap stick silently before leaving the room and grabbing my school bag. My parents didn’t even say a thing to me as mom drove me to school, in the silence I loved at the same time I hated it.

“Have a good day sweetie.” She said lightly as I left- ignoring her completely.

I walked past the statue of Marry as I walked into the school- my eyes immediately finding ever cliché where they should be. The jocks with cheerleaders, and nerds with nerds and loners hung with a few other loners and Goths hung with Emo kids. I didn’t classify into anything so I was left alone for everything except making fun of.

As I walked into homeroom, Jason pushed me against the locker with enough force to cause a flurry of pain spike through my back. His friends laughed as he pinned me to the locker without breaking a sweat. I started to panic, as I often do in this situation, but he just got more amused as he held me harder to the locker as I tried to fight off a Quarter back.

“What’s wrong Jamie, scared?” he laughed at me as tears rolled down my cheeks.

I was starting to panic and breath hard as tears streamed faster down me cheeks. People were filling into rooms as there were mere minutes till homeroom ‘started’. My vision blurred with tears and taunting laughter as in a moment of pure instinct and fright I kicked my foot up hard, hitting him right in the crotch. Pain coursed through his eyes as he dropped to the floor, holding himself and moaning out in pain. I barley saw the look of pure shock on his friends- both male and females- faces before I bolted into my homeroom, and into the back of the classroom.

I sat down in the dark left corner, crying as I looked at the board in frustration. Jason had been a friend of mine because he was Michael’s friend. But now when I saw Michael and Jason taunting and laughing at my insecurity, my pain I got a sick twist in my stomach. I had watched Amy and Jenna turn into cheerleaders- abandoning music and joining Michael and Jason in laughing at my pain.

“Okay class, settle down now.” Mrs. German yelled as she walked into the loud room a stack of papers in her hand.

“Today we are taking a pop quiz on graphing equations and patterns.” She said passing the papers up.

Mine was thumped in front of me by a disinterested girl, always sitting in front of me and talking to everyone she wanted to. I could tell it angered her that I didn’t say thank you, but my voice wouldn’t work, like when it wouldn’t work for Moxie.

Looking down at the paper, I started to write with my favorite pen. I could erase it, and it wrote in a deep black that you never got with any other pen. The answers came easily and for half the period I started to draw on a piece of clean white paper, turning it black with my carful drawing I would finish in lunch instead of eating.

It was a little preschool girl sitting in the corner, a DUNCE hat on her head as her legs dangled over the wooden stool and the shadows wrapped around her. Everyone else was playing happily and I planned on coloring them in with bright colors while leaving the girl black and white. The shadow stretched out lightly and I decided it were it would mingle with the green color of the carpeting just as the bell rang.

“Give me your papers before you leave.” Mrs. German said as bored students started to get up.

I swung my bag over my shoulder and slipped the pan inside it while I put my paper carefully on top of her growing pile. When I walked to Mod two, I was left alone like usual. I couldn’t wait for Mod three lunch, because then I just have to get through world cultures before walking home.

When I sat in the dark left corner of Mrs.Kuzinski’s room, she passed out a vocabulary quiz I had studied for all week. My teachers tended to match the dates for tests so that we would remember them. Like last time I finished early but instead of filling the colors in on my picture I drew a girl staring at the moon on the back of my quiz paper.

“Class, I’d like you to welcome our new students.” Mrs. Kuzinski said, making me look up.

“This is Ashley, Jake, CC, Andy and Jinxx. They’re in a band and staying to finish high school on their brake.” She said cheerfully about the five boys decked out in black, and eyeliner.

“Were should we sit?” Andy asked quizzically, looking around and not even noticing me in the corner.

That’s how I liked it, unnoticed. When they see you they want to know you. My voice wouldn’t respond to their need to hear it, like it would when I filtered air through for signing as easily as blinking awhile ago. It was the fact that I couldn’t, literally couldn’t that made me feel better about not talking, like I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

“Hmm… Oh! Up in the back their next to Jamie is a completely empty row.” She said smiling over them.

“Where’s Jamie…..” CC asked looking over the people.

Silently I turned out of the seat, and leaned forward until I was partially in the light, surprising them that I was there.

“I didn’t see you there.” CC said, red flushing over all the boys in embarrassment.

When I just kept my emotionless gaze they started to ramble out words and apologize that didn’t form coherent sentences.

“Boys don’t take it personally, Jamie doesn’t speak- well at least she won’t talk to anyone.” Mrs. Kuzinski said as they made their way over to me, wide eyes and curious.

“How come?” Andy asked, sitting in the seat right next to mine, as I looked back down at my sketch as I finished outlining the moon.

“No one knows.” The girl in front of Andy said, batting her eyes at him.

That sums up the last year of my life.

No one knows