Musician's Do It Better

Before I even knew it I was sitting on my bed at home, looking down at the stupid school uniform I had to wear- the only thing is that my parents had bought me black slacks and a black button up shirt with black shoes and a black tie.

God bless them.

Just looking down at the uniform made me cringe- because of how Jamie had worn hers. She looked pained to be in the skirt and the knee socks weren’t what everyone else wore- I could only take it as a sign of comfort to know her legs were free of wandering eyes, though her lower thigh was completely visible.

As my mind started to think about Jamie, it wouldn’t stop. I remember the beautiful copper-red her hair had been, how pretty those Emerald green eyes had been as her hands worked delicately over the drawing she had in front of her. I could see old calluses that have started to smooth back down- letting me know she used to play guitar. But I could also see the fact that her hips wouldn’t swing the way they looked like would come naturally when she left the room. I noticed how empty and barren her face and eyes looked and how skinny she was.

She was so damn skinny, that I soon came to the conclusion she was anorexic. And when I watched her at lunch draw and not even look at food- the thought was confirmed. She was tall and had freckles on her face- a factor that let you know she wore no makeup. But she was sick, and she was in danger, and part of me knew she was in pain. But a bigger part say the sadness that coursed through her veins.
This just rose anger out of my every fiber, because she looked like such a nice and fun girl. But the only human contact she made was when a group of ignorant ass holes pushed her around- and that brought her to tears and what looked like a minor nervous breakdown. It was sad, and this is the type of person I write songs for.

And that’s…. that’s when it hit me.

Grabbing a piece of paper I put her name at the top of the paper, and quickly erased it. If anyone saw her name it would bring a bomb shell into her life and so, reluctantly I put her name back at the top but swearing to tell no one the song.

The words started to form like magic- wasting no time my fingers wrote the lyrics down and I could hear the sound of guitars playing it. The drums filled and the words…

Looking at the paper, I smiled before tucking it away for when it was needed.

!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!

I was curled up on the bed of my room like last night. The room was illuminated lightly by a candle I had light on my bed side table- and strangely I felt no warmth from the close flame. But I was looking down at a piece of paper, in a blank book. It was a diary I had bought long ago- and never used. So writing the date on the top right corner I started to write.

Dear Diary,

I’m not ready to talk about it. I’m not ready to be judged and I’m not ready for someone to tell me it was my fault. I know it’s my fault but to actually hear it, and not think it, was a complete and udder different experience. It’s what happens when the world recognizes your mistake, your failure. When people see how tainted you are and start to treat you like the piece of rotten garbage they now see you as. You’re kicked around and teased, and though I already experience that- I don’t doubt it would get worse. So much worse.

My parents gave up on me, my sister gave up on me, and my dog Moxie is started to wag her tail less. It’s almost always tucked between her legs with a whimpering cry. It makes me so much more depressed, and disgusted on how I did this to her. To my family. Today new student came, a band. They didn’t even see me and though I prefer it like that I hate how people seem to know I’m someone to go unnoticed.

I know I’m not ready to talk, but I will write what happened the first day… before it happened.
“I had just left the talent show the school held, it was dark outside, and you could see your breath in the air. I had just performed and was sitting outside to cool off. The parents were being let out, and it wasn’t to long until I was sitting at home laughing with Jenna and Amy in my Pj’s throwing popcorn at them, as I laughed at a comment Amy said.

The day was perfect, and when they left the next morning I took a walk into the woods. A common thing for me. I wasn’t very social on the normal day, so large times of social activity usually caused me to hide out and crave alone time after wards. It usually wasn’t a problem, but as the trek into the woods calmed me, I allowed myself to look at everything. A thin layer of frost covered the grass and rocks as my breath became a mist in the cold air. It was Christmas break- and Christmas was in two days. I was excited and eager to give Amy the best present that I think she will get. I had spent so much time finding it- I was proud to have obtained it for her.

As it got colder I sat on a rock, letting my breath catch up from the light jog I had taken to keep warm. I like cold but this was a little too cold. I went to start my way back home.”

I looked at the paper, tears staining and smudging the ink a little as out of the corner the god-forsaken 444 came up. I knew the passage was boring but I wasn’t ready to go farther. I just wasn’t emotionally ready to write anything else about that month.

And it had been almost a year, I had finished a school year went through summer break and as Christmas break came the year mark swelled forward. A lot of the people said that I started the year talking but that was last year- they forget and mix it even my teachers.

No one really cares, do they?