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I open my eyes,
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light

I woke tied up in my blanket again, lying face down on my pillow. Saturday. I gave a sleepy grunt and rolled over onto my side, swinging my legs out of bed. The lumious green numbers by my bed told me that it was a quarter to eight.

Open hours.

I grabbed a piece of toast on my way out, temporarily held up by my mother. As soon as I told her I was going to visit Valerie, her whole expression softened.
“Okay, love” she whispered. “Back by six”.

She stood up and for a terrible moment I thought she might hug me, but thought better of it at the last moment. She just stood there instead and sighed gently.

“It could be any day, now Rosie. It won’t be like this forever.”

I wish I could believe her.

When I got to the hospital and into Valerie’s side ward I found out I had been beaten. Robert Hartridge sat by her side, a sad, black clad ghost against the stinging hospital white. He looked up as I came in, his large hazel eyes full of worry and unshed tears. Robert was one of my best friends, yet it was so strange to see him so quiet. He’d last been like that on the morning… on the morning of the crash.

Can’t remember how,
Can’t remember why,
I’m lying here tonight

“She’s okay.” He told me, looking and sounding like he hadn’t slept for weeks. “Breathing, at least.”

I sat down opposite him, so we were facing over Val’s lifeless form. It didn’t seem right, the uncertainty of it all. She could wake up in two seconds, two minutes, hours, weeks, years… never. Her face could have been carved of ivory for its utter stillness, deathly stillness.

“You know,” Robert began, his voice carrying and uncharacteristic tremble, “this is the first time she’s ever been quiet for more that a few seconds. You could never get her to shut up.”

I looked across at him; his face was that of nostalgia, eyes wide as if trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall from both of our eyes.

“Reminds me of you”

“Pardon?”

“Rosie, two weeks ago, you were out of control. You’d disrupt lessons, stay out at parties half the night, I lost track of the amount of times you were given a detention for smoking.
Look at you now. You’re so… withdrawn almost.”

“Thanks, Rob”

“No, that’s not what I meant…”

All of a sudden, the steady beep of the heart monitor changed. We both stared at it in shock. Instead of the usual peaks and dips, the screen was displaying a single straight line. A flatline

We were both speechless with terror. Even when the door opened and what seemed like sixty or seventy doctors and nurses flooded forth neither of us moved. Everything was happening so silently, like watching a video on mute. Then everything came back with vengeance. Amongst the general white noise of the ward and machines, I distinctly heard someone shout “She’s going into cardiac arrest!”

The next few hours passed in a blur. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up in the waiting room of the ICU with my head on Robert’s shoulder.

“They’ve stabilised her position,” he told me, as if he didn’t have to look down to see I was awake. “But…” He turned to face me. “She’s dying, Rosie.”

I stared at him in absolute shock, his words not sinking in. Only a day ago she’s been showing all the signs of waking up. Valerie was always healthy, she was never ill; never in the whole five years I’d known her. How could this…

“Are you… Are you sure?” I asked him in a voice barely more that a whisper.

Robert nodded gently, a strand of his dark hair falling over his eyes. “Her heart… It can’t beat by itself now. They’re keeping her alive for the sake of it.”

I stared down at my feet. It was all too much to think about. Sitting next to an empty chair in
lessons, walking to school by myself, not having someone burst into a loud, raucous and
extremely annoying chorus of ‘White Christmas’ right behind you when you least expected it
and more often that not were carrying something heavy…

I heard a small sob next to me. Robert was holding his head in his hands and presumably
crying. I felt a stab of guilt pierce my heart. How could I sit here and think of myself when this
was most probably eating him up from the inside? He and Val had been best friends since
they were three. My first memory of the both of them was in Year Seven. Valerie looked
terrifying with her Misfits bag and was about six inches taller than everyone else; she even
overshadowed Robert, who was fast approaching six foot five now. If this was hurting me
this much…

I don’t care what sorts of rumours get tossed around at school; I just can’t sit here and
watch him suffer. I threw my arms around him and gave him a huge bear hug, for my benefit
as much as his.

I don’t know how long we sat there in the waiting room, but what I do remember
is a voice in my ear telling us that it was happening now if we wanted to be there. I didn’t
want to be there, it didn’t seem right to want to see it. To be honest, I didn’t want to see her again. All I wanted was a clean break, but Robert was already walking towards her side ward, shaking so much he looked like he’d fall over at any second. Hobson’s Choice, Rosie.

So there I was, standing at the end of her bed. Robert was holding one of her hands and her father the other. I felt immensely sorry for him. First his wife, now his daughter. I hoped they’d find the man responsible, find him and kill him. The monitor had returned to its normal beeps now, but it was quieter and there were more wires leading out of her body.

And I can’t stand the pain,

“Are you ready?” The doctor asked softly. Valerie’s father hesitated, last minute doubts clouding his face, and finally nodded.

And I can’t make it go away,
I can’t stand the pain,

The doctor turned to the support machine and flicked a switch. The lights died, along with Valerie.

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes,
I’ve got nowhere to run,
The night goes on,

Robert instantly bowed his head and walked quickly out of the room. Her dad stayed for a little while, looking over his daughter’s corpse before following suit. Only I remained.

As I’m fading away,
I’m sick of this life,
I just wanna scream…

My legs felt like jelly as I walked over to her. I didn’t want to, she couldn’t hear me now, she never would again, I’d only upset myself, but deep inside it felt to right. I had to do it. I had to say goodbye. I swallowed a sob as I looked down at her. Exactly the same. I Although I’d seen her… go, it still seemed like she’d jump up at any minute. I could almost hear her voice.

“I got you there, didn’t I Rosie? Your face! Oh, I wish I had a camera! Proper Kodak moment, that.”

Tears clouded my eyes and spilled over my cheeks as I gently placed shaking hand on her still-warm forehead.

“Sleep well, old friend”

How could this happen to me?