If You Go, I Go

“Alex, don’t do this” Jack begged desperately, sobbing as he tactfully attempted to pull the gun from his boyfriend’s fingertips.

“You don’t have to do this...We can talk, everything will be okay”, he tried to persuade him calmly, still tugging at the gun Alex was pointing towards his heart as he pressed their foreheads together.

“It’s not going to be okay, it won’t ever be okay”, Alex replied shakily, tears rolling down his pale face. His skin was cold and colourless; what he had just discovered was completely unexpected and to say that it had given him the shock of his life was an understatement.

“I can’t live without him, Jack; I’ve got nothing without him! This is all my fault!” Alex threw the gun to the wooden floor with force as he crashed down onto his knees, his head dropping into upturned palms. “I need to be with him, I have to go, I’m sorry, let me do this”, Alex pleaded with Jack; he needed to be with his brother, now more than ever.

Jack stared down at the dark haired boy. He was broken, devastated. Alex lifted his head and Jack could see that his lover’s eyes were washed over with disbelief.

“You’ve got me! You’ll always have me... I can’t let you do this! I love you. Don’t be so selfish!” Jack’s words were barely audible as his voice was wrapped in sobs. Tears poured from his eyes when he fell to the floor, sobbing even harder as he grabbed Alex’s hands and hesitantly laced their fingers together.

“You can’t do this because you think you won’t be able to cope. You don’t know if you can cope because you haven’t tried. You need to be strong, Lex.”

After a moment of silence between the pair, Jack stated, “If you go – I go.”

“I – We – I can’t do this, Jack, I really can’t.” Alex’s voice was cracking and he pushed his body up from the floor, swiping the gun from hard surface, and starting to pace up and down the room. He cautiously walked over towards his brother’s still form in the corner of the bedroom and knelt down beside him, the gun in his right hand.

“Wake up, Tom. Just wake up and everything will be okay”, Alex’s voice trembled as he slowly reached out to clasp his older brother’s hand. He was cold and completely lifeless which only brought more tears to Alex’s already swollen eyes. He felt Jack’s comforting touch on his shoulder and his tears were being wiped away by the guitarist before they could fall properly.

“He’s not going to wake up, Lex.” Jack snaked his arm around his boyfriend’s waist, placing a tender kiss to his neck and bringing him closer to his body, tracing small circles around his hipbone to comfort him.

“You think I don’t know that?” Alex jerked himself away from Jack’s touch before abruptly standing up and raising the gun back to his heart. He stepped backwards as he whispered the words forming in his heart and flooding passed his lips.

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye.
It could be for the last time and it’s not right.
Don’t let yourself get in over your head, he said,
“Alone and far from home I’ll find you”

“I’m done Jack... I love you, come with me.” Alex stood on the opposite side of the room to Jack, the gun still pointing towards his heart.

“We can’t just go. My family – I couldn’t do that to them...” Jack’s skin was getting paler by the second and his voice was cracking but there was guilt in his eyes.

He lived for Alex.

He couldn’t just let him go, after everything they’d been through.

“I love you, Jack. I’m so sorry.” Alex’s eyes fluttered softly and his index finger gently curled around the trigger of the gun.