My Heart's Always With You Now

One bottle of Jack, a tub of Ben n' Jerry's, a bowl of popcorn, and a bag of m&ms later, I find myself laying out on my parents couch flipping through the channels at two in the morning. I reach out to eat another m&m but I realize I finished them off a while ago. I just groan and grab the bottle of Jack Daniels and smile as the fiery liquid goes down my throat, leaving a smooth sensation.

"You've never let me down, Jack," I say with a slur and kiss the bottle.

The door opens and in walks my brother Jason with his Avenged Sevenfold gear on. "You're going mad. You realize that, right?" He chuckles and sits down at the end of the couch, pulling my feet into his lap. "You just kissed a bottle of Jack."

I shrug my shoulders and look down at my brother. "Mind handing me the ice cream?"

He leans forward to grab it off the table but shakes his head. "It's all melted, Meg. How long have you been laying here?" He sighs.

"Fer a while." I shrug and turn back to the television. "Do you think they sell any shit?" I point to the informercial.

Jason just grabs the remote and turns the TV off. He sets the remote down on the table and turns to me. Before I can put up a fight he speaks. "You need to quit doing this every single night, Megan. I know you got evicted from your apartment but you can't live like this." He shakes his head. "You're not who you used to be."

"Because who I used to be wasn't good enough!" I shout drunkenly and sit up with a hard time. "I was never good enough."

Jason sighs and shakes his head. "Come on, Megan. You're being ridiculous. Let it all go, Jesus Christ. You act like your whole life is fucking over."

"It practically is. I lost my best fucking friend. Have you ever lost your best friend, Jason?" I roll my eyes.

"Yeah." He stands up and looks down at me. "My sister." With that said, he walks out of the room and down to the basement where his room is.

Swallowing the sadness that formed in my throat I reach for the trash can and puke my guts out. Revolted by the bitter smell of Jack, chocolate, and caramel, I climb off the couch and make my way to the bedroom where I have been staying since I got evicted. Was my brother just saying that to motivate me to change or was he being sincere?

That's the problem with Jason and Matt. You can never tell when they are serious or when they are just being sarcastic. That's a trait I am glad I never got.

I lay down in my bed and look over at the clock as it flashes 2:14. Taking a deep breath I curl up under the covers and close my eyes. As soon as I do I regret it. The first person I see as the darkness fades is him. I can't stand seeing his face.

The last memory of him I have is him telling me to get over it, practically. Well fuck him. Fuck Zacky mother fucking "Vengeance". I chuckle at his pathetic name and close my eyes again, picturing a different scene. Only this time my stomach knots. It's Mark's sweet face smiling down at me before I told him I didn't want him anymore.

Why am I such a screwup? I lost the guy who cares about me and my best friend in one night. Not to mention my brother thinks he's losing me. What do I have to do to get them both back, if I even can?

"How are you holding up?" Jimmy asks me as we walk down the dock.

I shake my head and look down at my trembling hands. "Not too well." I laugh a little and look ahead at the ocean.

He puts his hand on my back and sighs. "What can I do to help?" Jimmy sits down on the edge of the dock and leans against the posts while opening a can of soup my mom made him.

"There's really nothing anyone can do. Not even me," I admit and sit across from him. "I fucked up bad, Jimmy."

Jimmy shakes his head with his mouth full of soup. "No you didn't."

I laugh. "Yes I did. Zacky fucking hates me because of something I can't control. I can't fucking control the fact he is everything I love. He's funny, sweet, adorable, goofy, and a shit ton of other things that make me like him. How is that my fault?"

"It isn't. Don't listen to him, Meg."

"It's kind of hard not to when he said some shit that really fucked with me," I admit honestly and look down at the tattoo on my wrist that spells out Z.J.B. Zacky and I got each other's initials tattooed somewhere on us when they got their first paycheck. He has mine on the inside of his finger so when he plays guitar he sees it. I have mine on my wrist so I see it every day when I'm moving shit around.

Jimmy rubs my back and pulls me into a hug. "Things will get better, Megan. You're a great girl and he's a stupid guy. He'll come to realize he loves you as much as you love him."

I sigh. "I hope you're right..."

He spoons me some soup then answers his phone when it rings, blasting a ringtone made of Matt and Jimmy screaming while making a song. It's pretty funny. "Hello?" He looks at me and I can tell something is wrong. "Uh, yeah. When?... Alright. Bye."

"What is it?" I ask him, almost a little scared of what he was going to say.

"Zacky asked me to come over to help Carlee move in with him..."

Fuck everything.