My Heart's Always With You Now

"Are you sure you want to do this, dude?" Matt asks me after I told him the big news.

I knew he wasn't going to be as excited as I was since he has no idea what I am going through. He has no idea what strong feelings I have for Megan. She is just a friend in his eyes who he loves. She is more than a friend to me - she's everything. I'm so in love with her.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be sure?" I ask him confused. His lack of thrill is causing me to doubt my intentions.

Matt sighs and looks out at the crowd of students who flood the school the last day. He looks back at me and shrugs his shoulders. "You're so young. You have your whole life ahead of you to do that sort of stuff. We're about to go on tour and having that promise to keep will be really tough. You'll meet women, you'll party, and do so much stuff you can't imagine. I'm just afraid you'll get caught up in it and won't be able to keep your promise."

I gulp. Matt's right.... I put it back in my pocket and look at the girl walking towards me with a smile on her lips. Her beautiful brown hair blows back as the wind whistles through every strand. Her eyes are more bright than the sun shining down. She looks so perfect. She always looks perfect. However, with Matt's words running through my head I feel a sense of doubt, a sense of heartache just by looking at her.

"I'm just afraid you'll get caught up in it and won't be able to keep your promise."

Matt's right... I might not be able to keep that promise. I'll fuck everything up. I just know it. I won't be able to control myself because I have no idea how a rockstar lives every day out on tour. Women attacking them constantly, trying to get in their pants, drugs around every corner, and promise waiting to be broken. I can't handle breaking her heart.

I have to break it off with her soon... I can't be with her while I'm out on stage every night playing for our fans with all of these temptations knocking at my door. Who knows what I might do...

"I understand," Megan says as she looks down at her feet, playing with the little fray on her gown. I can hear it in her voice that she doesn't understand. She never will because I will never get the guts to explain it to her... Explain why I am letting her go.

I sigh "You're great, Megan. Really. I don't want this to happen," I tell her sincerely.

"It's okay, Zack," she says to me as she lifts her head up, revealing dry eyes and no frown. "I'm going to be late." Megan grabs her cap from the bench and walks off towards the building where graduation is being held.

It takes me a minute or two to dry my eyes and calm myself down. Once I reach the point of normality I walk into the building and stand behind some kid from my English class, waiting to go out on stage to get my diploma.

What was meant to be the most amazing night of my life took a turn for the worst. I just lost the girl I love because I'm too much of a fucking pussy.

"Zacky!" Carlee giggles as she runs into my office where I'm playing riffs on my schecter.

"Yeah baby?" I look up at her with a smile. Just the sound of her voice makes my heart race.

She sits down on the table and looks at me with a grin. "You're too sweet, you know that, right?" As I smile she leans forward and kisses my lips, sending shivers down my spine. "I can't believe you sent me those flowers." Carlee laughs with pink rising in her cheeks. "They are beautiful."

"I'm glad you like them." I smile at her, brushing her brown hair out of her face.

After she kisses me again she gets to her feet and walks to the kitchen to put them in a vase. I turn back to my guitar and start playing a song I have been working on for a few weeks now. It's untitled with only a few lines of lyrics. I'm only productive when alone and it's pretty hard having my girlfriend parading around in sexy lingerie every waking moment.

Carlee is amazing, beautiful, funny, and such a riot. For her birthday a few days ago I jokingly got her some lingerie from Fredrick's of Hollywood, thinking she would just hit me and open the next present. However, she's been wearing them every day which is fucking fine with me.

She lays next to me out of breath and bites her bottom lip. I put my hands on my aching lower stomach and take a deep breath to slow my breathing. Carlee rolls over so her head is on my chest and she just smiles, kissing my tattoos. Looking down at her I can only see her beautiful brown hair covering her top half that's exposed. This causes my heart to race even more. Not because she is breath taking (figuratively and literally), but because she reminds me of someone...

Someone I lost just a few weeks ago.