My Heart's Always With You Now

Times passes slowly and painfully. The days, the hours, minutes, the seconds, and the milliseconds all pass with lingering hope and despair. Agony pulls at every freckle, every pour, and every cell in my body with no sign of leaving. The pain is never truly over until the clock stops ticking... Until the hands stand still and the world around you fades. The pain will always be real. However.... Time still passes.

It's been two months since the incident. Two months since my best friend cheated on his girlfriend with me. Two months since I was truly happy... Two months since I felt alive.

They are still together. They are still kissing, holding hands, and exchanging glances with such love and lust it hurts to see. Carlee loves him and he loves her. There's no way around it. I've come to terms with the fact that I will never have Zacky.

"Want to watch Jurassic Park?" James asks as he sits down on the couch next to me, handing me a nice iced water.

I look at him and smile. "You know the answer to that."

James laughs and flips on the television then scrolls through his DVR to Jurassic Park. I put my feet up on the table and look at the television as I eat some popcorn. James puts his arm around my shoulders and sips his beer contently.

James is a good friend of mine. I met him almost a week after that week at a mall. I was trying to get my mind off Zacky when I walked into FYE and looked around for new bands to listen to and new movie posters. James worked there so he helped me out and eventually asked to hang out.

So here are we, sitting in his house watching movies like we do every Friday night. He makes me popcorn and a drink while he eats kettle corn and sips a Dos Equis. Although I still think about that week ever so often, it's making it difficult for me to find someone. James is a great guy and he's so much fun to hang out with, but he's too much like Zacky. He has snake bites and jet black hair. He loves horror movies (but who doesn't, right?), and he plays guitar. I'm not trying to replace Zacky. God knows there is no one else out there in the world who is as amazing as him. But I can't help but think I'm only hanging out with James because a sliver of him reminds me of Zack.

And every week he tries to kiss me but I deny him out of fear and cowardliness. I don't want to hurt him the way I hurt Mark. I don't want him to get attached only to realize how fragile and broken I am. I can't stand to see someone else get their heart broken over the baggage I carry.

"How are things with James?" Jason asks me when I wake up the next morning.

"Fine," I reply shortly and grab some cereal from the cupboard. I sit next to him on the floor and eat it dry, out of the box. "He still tries to kiss me, though."

"Maybe that's what you need." Matt laughs and sits on the couch. "You might need some lovin'."

I roll my eyes. "It's not that, stupid." I laugh and throw a pillow at him. "I just don't like him like that. I don't want another Mark thing to happen, ya know?"

"This is true." Jason sighs. "You know, a wise man once said: you can't choose who you love. But you can choose who to fucking party with!"

Matt and I look at each other then back at Jason. "Yeah, you just fucking made that up." I laugh and punch him. "And you're not wise, either."

"I try," he pouts and holds his arm where he'll have a nice bruise tomorrow.

A few days later I tell James how I really feel. He's a bit crushed but he understands. He's glad I am honest with him even though he's a little bummed. We're still friends and we still hang out every week. However, that changes when I meet some hottie on the beach.

"I'm Evan," he says to me with a smile as I grab his volleyball.

"Megan." I smile sweetly at him and hand him the ball.

"I'm sorry I hit you." He blushes. "My friends are idiots and don't know how to grab a ball."

I smirk, feeling a little flirtatious. "You know, I think there's a way I might forgive you."

Evan smirks. "And what might that be?"

"Well, I enjoy thai food." I laugh and look down at my feet covered in sand.

He laughs. "Give me your address and I'll take you to the best thai food restaurant in all of California."

I write down my address in his phone and look up at him with a smile. "See you then."

It's a month after the day Evan and I met and we're in a relationship. He's so different from every guy I have ever met. He loves science fiction, plays sports, watches crime shows, has his own house, and loves to cook. It's refreshing to know someone who is so different than yourself or anyone you know.

"You think they will like me?" Evan asks nervously as we climb out of his car.

"Yes!" I laugh and hold his hand. "Don't be intimidated!"

He laughs a little and runs his fingers through his thick blond hair. "Well it's kind of hard to since they are fucking multimillionaire rockstars!"

I kiss him softly and slowly, hoping to calm his nerves. Pulling away I give his hand a squeeze. "Just breathe and be yourself. It'll be fine."

We walk into Johnny's house and I greet everyone in the living room. Brian and Michelle, Matt and Val, Johnny and Lacy, my brothers, and finally my eyes reach the last couple... Zacky and Carlee. For the first time I don't feel any bitterness towards either of them.

"Guys, this is Evan." I smile and intertwine our fingers. After I introduce him to all of the guys they instantly hit it off. They hand him a few beers and challenge him to games, talk about their lives on tour, and of course they threaten him if he tries to hurt me. Typical boys.

"He's really cool," a voice says as I walk into Johnny's kitchen to grab a drink.

I turn and see Zacky standing there with a smile on his lips and a beer in his hand. "He is." I nod. "I'm glad you guys like him." I'm trying to stay occupied because if I don't, my brain will remind me how much I miss Zacky's hot breath against my skin...

Zacky laughs. "I'm glad you two are happy. Seriously. I know I said that about Mark and stuff but he seems different. You seem really happy, too." He smiles and pushes my shoulder gently.

I look down at the rim of the bottle and smile. "I am," I admit sheepishly.

"Good." He nods and looks at his feet. "Well I'm going to go back out there."

I nod and watch him walk back over to the table where all of the guys are sitting with Evan, chatting about god knows what. I sit back down in the circle with the girls and glance at Evan who looks so cute when he's red in the face from laughing. He jokes with the guys and tells them embarrassing stories about me. I don't fucking care, though.

I've done so much shit in my life I have nothing to lose.