I Never Thought It'd End Like This

My hazel-green eyes were hidden behind the dark jagged edges of my bangs that hung in front of my face. I kept staring down at the floor, not really wanting to look up at the other people in the building.

I really shouldn’t have come in to work today. But I needed something to get my mind off of things, sort of distract me.

I didn’t even make it in to my office before I collapsed in to a chair in the waiting room. Thank god for Alexis coming in to work today, because I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to handle the patients that were coming in. I could barely handle taking care of myself.

“Mel?”

I didn’t even hear my own name being called. What made me realize someone was talking to me was the pair of feet standing before me now.

I picked up head up and saw Alexis, looking down at me with sympathy present on her face.

“There’s an empty room back there,” She explained. “If you want to go sit back there for a while….” She trailed off, trying to search for an answer in my eyes. “I told Shannon I was taking my break now.”

I nodded, slowly standing up. Alexis held on to my hand as I shuffled my feet behind her past the pre-exam room and in to the hallway that contained the exam rooms. She brought me to the very last one on the right, opening the door and turning on the lights for me.

“I’ll be right back,” She said, leaving me in the room by myself. I mumbled an okay, but she didn’t hear me.

I sat down on the exam table against the wall, dangling my feet over the edge. I remembered my fear of doctors now and how I never ever wanted to get a shot. You’d think any normal twenty-six year old would have grown out of that, but not me.

There was a window on the back wall, letting the dim light of the grey overcast skies shine through. I lived in fucking California, it was supposed to be sunny and warm and bright and cheerful. Not dull, grey, and depressing.

However, this weather seemed to be suiting my mood.

“Alright, I got a few cupcakes off of Liz,” Alexis said, returning with two pink frosted pastries in hand. “But you have to promise to bring her a dollar for her breast cancer fund tomorrow.”

I closed my eyes and nodded, still staring down at my feet dangling over the edge of the table.

I remembered the first time I went to the OBGYN last fall. She was the nicest doctor I had met in a long time. I remember how tightly he had held on to my hand as I got blood drawn to confirm my thoughts about being pregnant.

We came back a week later, receiving great news.

The test came back positive.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Alexis asked, referring to my cell phone that was currently playing a tune.

“Oh, uhm, yeah,” I mumbled, pulling the device out of my pocket of his hoodie.

Home

“Yes baby girl?”
“Momma, when are you coming home?”
“In a little bit sweetie,” I cooed. “Momma needed to go see a few friends.”

“Are you going to visit Uncle Jimmy again?” My daughter’s voice was so innocent, like she knew I was going to go there and see him again.

“Yes baby, I’m going to see Uncle Jimmy,” I gulped. “And then your Daddy.”

“Momma, can I come see Daddy too?”

“I think you should stay home today sweetie. Momma needs some alone time with him.”

“Okay,” She answered disappointedly. “I love you Momma.”

“I love you too baby girl.”

Feeling the pressure build up behind my eyes, I pulled the receiver away from my ear, hitting the end button to finish the call. My heart crumbled, hearing how my daughter wanted to come see her father with me. She had only known him for two years, but sometimes she could tell me things I didn’t even think she would remember.

Like the time we were eating dinner and she asked me why my eyes were green and hers were brown. She said she remembered a man who had brown eyes that looked like hers. She was four then.

When she turned five, she asked me why I had dark hair, and she had blonde. That bright sunny shade of blonde. Like her father used to have before he dyed it. Before I dyed mine.

Lately, she’d stare at herself in the mirror and point out all of the things that she said were Daddy’s. I kept asking her how she knew what her father looked like. She said she remembered him holding her and taking her to the beach.

I really couldn’t believe that she remembered anything about her father.

“I have to go,” I said, sliding off the table and standing on my feet. Alexis gave me a looked at questioned my actions, but she was too busy eating her pink frosted cupcake to bother me.

I exited the room and walked out of the building to my car. I opened all the windows, letting the warm sea breeze swirl around me and enjoying the sounds of the city rather than the radio. The radio had become my enemy, seeming to only play songs that reminded me of him.

I pulled up to the cemetery gates, taking a left and cruising slowly down the paved path. I pulled over when I reached my destination, taking my keys out of the ignition and bringing them with me as I walked down the row of headstones.

A tear slipped past me eye lid as I looked down at the two headstones, side by side.

Beloved son, brother, best friend
James Owen Sullivan
Jimmy jumped into life
and never touched bottom

“I miss you Jimmy,” I whispered, biting my lower lips softly. “I really could use you right now. Cassie would’ve loved for you to teach her all of your crazy antics.”

My eyes scanned over to the headstone right next to it.

Husband, best friend, hero
Brian Elwin Haner Jr.
May you and Jimmy
keep things alive up there

I bent down, tracing the letters of his name with my fingers.

“Cassie remembers you Bri,” I cried, tears falling on to the stone. “She keeps telling me about how much she looks like you. I want to tell her who you were, but I don’t know what to say. I really wish you were here, because I need you.”

Through my clouded eyes, I kissed my palm, pressing it against the stone.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”