Breathe
two
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Just breathe.
It isn’t real. It couldn’t possibly be real because that would mean you were crazy. You aren’t crazy the thing over there is just part of your over active imagination. What the hell are you talking about? You are just a crazy little fuck that sees things. It’s clearly there. The stupid voice in my head was always insulting me and I hated him. He just needed to shut the fuck up while I dealt with this. As I try to breathe I lift my head facing the thing that had caused me to fall off my skateboard and onto the hard asphalt under me, I face it with eyes closed and teeth pressed against lip. I huff out a breath and crack my eyes open.
Flinching I snap them shut again my head smacking the asphalt as I cower away from the being before me. Paranoia, schizophrenia, and hallucinations aren’t exactly the best combination. I’m just the tiniest bit scared of everything no matter how silly or stupid it is. Not to mention I have black outs every now-and-again. But that’s another story completely. You’re so utterly stupid open you’re fucking eyes and face that thing; you cannot just hide here and hope it goes away. STOP IT! Stand up and stop being such a fucking pussy you crazy bastard. I slap a hand to the side of my head trying to get it to stop, it doesn’t work or help with my throbbing headache.
“Ok, none of this is real, you just have to sit up, open your eyes and it’ll be gone. You are not crazy.” Oh sure you’re not crazy and I’m not just a voice in your head. You’re so fucking stupid. I shake my head trying to shut him up, stupid voice never left me alone. I had never been diagnosed by a doctor with schizophrenia but I figured it out after some research and matching symptoms.
In.
Out.
Opening my eyes I stare the thing right in the face. It is still there, standing in the trees of the forest and staring with deathly eyes at me. I shiver and stand up my forehead bleeding down the side of my face and my elbow skinned. My skateboard rolled across the street and is sitting in front of him, in front of it. It is horrible, it’s decaying and maggots crawl over its skin, burrowing into the flesh around his eyes and legs. Some fall off of him as he moves with jerky movements toward me, slowly on a broken leg that is oozing some horrible green sewage looking stuff. There is no smell, that was something the hallucinations never crossed, the never touched me and they never smelt like anything. It was just the look of them that got to you.
The thing before me was hardly anything of a person now. There were patches of flesh and muscles but he was torn apart. Some skin hung from him like cloth exposing bones that had hacked at or gnawed on by something. I feel a shiver run down my spine as I move slowly across the street feeling like maybe if I move slowly enough it won’t see me. Wow that is one ugly fuck, he’s just like you. You should go make friends with the imaginary guy crazy. Stupid voice, I bite my tongue as I grab the skate board and run. I don’t look back as I hop onto the board getting as far away from that thing as possible.
Rushing down the road blood still running down my face as I move toward my mom’s house, the wind whips through my hair and causes my eyes to water but I refuse to slow down. My parents had gotten divorced almost immediately after I was born. I lived with my dad every day but the weekends and it just so happened to be Friday and I was headed to mom’s. She was like I was but she fucked it up by telling someone. Of course my dad noticed something was off about her but by then she was pregnant and he wouldn’t leave me alone with her. I learned not to tell anyone about what I hear and see and all the things I fear and the black outs because my mom. She was always on so many meds that she just lay there on the couch in a pool of her own piss and drool. The doctors had her on all these pills to help her but as far as I could tell it made things worse, it made it so she couldn’t work or do anything but stay where she was. I didn’t want that life; I would never be reduced to that. So when I wasn’t around my aunt Marie took care of her but on weekends I took care of her for the most part.
I walk into the house and there is my mom on the couch wearing a pair of thin cotton shorts her butt puffed out from the diaper. She is wearing a thin long sleeve shirt to hide the cuts that run up her arm, when she was pregnant with me she would cut because I don’t know; my dad never told me what she would say. He would just look at me and say your mother wasn’t right in the head then; she’s a lot better off now. I didn’t believe it. Leaning my skateboard against the wall I close and lock the door behind me moving toward her, I kneel in front of her. Her gray eyes stare right through me, pupils dilated to pinpricks as she stares at the blank T.V screen as if she’s watching the most interesting thing in the world.
“Hey mom, I’m home. I’m going to go into my room and I’ll give you a bath later.” I lean over and kiss her sweaty brown hair before standing and moving toward my room skateboard in hand. I didn’t trust her with it out there, if for whatever reason the meds wore off she couldn’t be responsible for what she did. I move into my room, squeezing through the door, the door is jammed against the foot of my bed. I fall onto bed and kick the door shut leaning my skateboard against it. My room is a closet really; I only have a small cot, my suitcase and backpack at the foot of my bed and behind the door, a small lamp and that was about it. I lean back against the wall behind my bed and prop my feet up against the wall knees bent as I try to think.
“That wasn’t real, that thing was just something you made up. Yeah you just need to relax and forget about it.” I lay down on the bed hands behind my head as I kick off my shoes and stare up at the horizontal wooden bar above my head. Grabbing my iPod I shove my head phones into my ears and blast white noise. It blocks out the sounds, not really the voice in my head but sometimes I can ignore it more easily with the noise blaring in my ears. It blocked out the growls and snarls and cracks of the things I saw, I could hear them that was one thing that they got through to me, now smell or touching but sound. Slowly I start to fall asleep, on the edge of consciousness a low predatory snarl rips through the air but I am already gone and in my own world.
Out.
In.
Out.
Just breathe.
It isn’t real. It couldn’t possibly be real because that would mean you were crazy. You aren’t crazy the thing over there is just part of your over active imagination. What the hell are you talking about? You are just a crazy little fuck that sees things. It’s clearly there. The stupid voice in my head was always insulting me and I hated him. He just needed to shut the fuck up while I dealt with this. As I try to breathe I lift my head facing the thing that had caused me to fall off my skateboard and onto the hard asphalt under me, I face it with eyes closed and teeth pressed against lip. I huff out a breath and crack my eyes open.
Flinching I snap them shut again my head smacking the asphalt as I cower away from the being before me. Paranoia, schizophrenia, and hallucinations aren’t exactly the best combination. I’m just the tiniest bit scared of everything no matter how silly or stupid it is. Not to mention I have black outs every now-and-again. But that’s another story completely. You’re so utterly stupid open you’re fucking eyes and face that thing; you cannot just hide here and hope it goes away. STOP IT! Stand up and stop being such a fucking pussy you crazy bastard. I slap a hand to the side of my head trying to get it to stop, it doesn’t work or help with my throbbing headache.
“Ok, none of this is real, you just have to sit up, open your eyes and it’ll be gone. You are not crazy.” Oh sure you’re not crazy and I’m not just a voice in your head. You’re so fucking stupid. I shake my head trying to shut him up, stupid voice never left me alone. I had never been diagnosed by a doctor with schizophrenia but I figured it out after some research and matching symptoms.
In.
Out.
Opening my eyes I stare the thing right in the face. It is still there, standing in the trees of the forest and staring with deathly eyes at me. I shiver and stand up my forehead bleeding down the side of my face and my elbow skinned. My skateboard rolled across the street and is sitting in front of him, in front of it. It is horrible, it’s decaying and maggots crawl over its skin, burrowing into the flesh around his eyes and legs. Some fall off of him as he moves with jerky movements toward me, slowly on a broken leg that is oozing some horrible green sewage looking stuff. There is no smell, that was something the hallucinations never crossed, the never touched me and they never smelt like anything. It was just the look of them that got to you.
The thing before me was hardly anything of a person now. There were patches of flesh and muscles but he was torn apart. Some skin hung from him like cloth exposing bones that had hacked at or gnawed on by something. I feel a shiver run down my spine as I move slowly across the street feeling like maybe if I move slowly enough it won’t see me. Wow that is one ugly fuck, he’s just like you. You should go make friends with the imaginary guy crazy. Stupid voice, I bite my tongue as I grab the skate board and run. I don’t look back as I hop onto the board getting as far away from that thing as possible.
Rushing down the road blood still running down my face as I move toward my mom’s house, the wind whips through my hair and causes my eyes to water but I refuse to slow down. My parents had gotten divorced almost immediately after I was born. I lived with my dad every day but the weekends and it just so happened to be Friday and I was headed to mom’s. She was like I was but she fucked it up by telling someone. Of course my dad noticed something was off about her but by then she was pregnant and he wouldn’t leave me alone with her. I learned not to tell anyone about what I hear and see and all the things I fear and the black outs because my mom. She was always on so many meds that she just lay there on the couch in a pool of her own piss and drool. The doctors had her on all these pills to help her but as far as I could tell it made things worse, it made it so she couldn’t work or do anything but stay where she was. I didn’t want that life; I would never be reduced to that. So when I wasn’t around my aunt Marie took care of her but on weekends I took care of her for the most part.
I walk into the house and there is my mom on the couch wearing a pair of thin cotton shorts her butt puffed out from the diaper. She is wearing a thin long sleeve shirt to hide the cuts that run up her arm, when she was pregnant with me she would cut because I don’t know; my dad never told me what she would say. He would just look at me and say your mother wasn’t right in the head then; she’s a lot better off now. I didn’t believe it. Leaning my skateboard against the wall I close and lock the door behind me moving toward her, I kneel in front of her. Her gray eyes stare right through me, pupils dilated to pinpricks as she stares at the blank T.V screen as if she’s watching the most interesting thing in the world.
“Hey mom, I’m home. I’m going to go into my room and I’ll give you a bath later.” I lean over and kiss her sweaty brown hair before standing and moving toward my room skateboard in hand. I didn’t trust her with it out there, if for whatever reason the meds wore off she couldn’t be responsible for what she did. I move into my room, squeezing through the door, the door is jammed against the foot of my bed. I fall onto bed and kick the door shut leaning my skateboard against it. My room is a closet really; I only have a small cot, my suitcase and backpack at the foot of my bed and behind the door, a small lamp and that was about it. I lean back against the wall behind my bed and prop my feet up against the wall knees bent as I try to think.
“That wasn’t real, that thing was just something you made up. Yeah you just need to relax and forget about it.” I lay down on the bed hands behind my head as I kick off my shoes and stare up at the horizontal wooden bar above my head. Grabbing my iPod I shove my head phones into my ears and blast white noise. It blocks out the sounds, not really the voice in my head but sometimes I can ignore it more easily with the noise blaring in my ears. It blocked out the growls and snarls and cracks of the things I saw, I could hear them that was one thing that they got through to me, now smell or touching but sound. Slowly I start to fall asleep, on the edge of consciousness a low predatory snarl rips through the air but I am already gone and in my own world.