Breathe

I wake up in a car I have never seen before at the edge of the forest and across the street from my dad’s house. Looking around confused I climb lithely out of the car shoes pounding on pavement as I rush away and toward my mom’s house a few streets away. My mind races to put it all back together again, clearly I blacked out. The last I remember I had just woken up and was about to make sure my mom was ok, I knew that she needed to take her pills before dinner. As I run I look down at my watch, it’s nearly ten o’clock at night. Shit.

As I run my breath rushing into and out of my lungs. I start to sweat, my dark brown hair sticking to my forehead as I round the corner to my mom’s house and pound up the two front steps and into the living room. The lights are on and I stop in my tracks breathing hard and trying to adjust to the lights. Finally when my eyes are used to the brightness the first thing I notice is down the hall my door is still thrown open as much as it can be, the next thing I notice is the smell of gas on the air. I look around for my mom, she isn’t on the couch.

“Mom?” I move into the kitchen looking for her. She’s probably gone and killed herself or her neighbor or something and it’s all your fault for blacking out and leaving her alone like this. You real need help you sorry little thing. That was probably the nicest wording it have ever given me, there was hardly any harshness behind his words. When I round the corner into the small kitchen I find my mom sitting in front of the oven her shorts and diaper thrown off, her shirt pulled up and over her head but not pulled off of her. She’s not good with sleeves. All the knobs on the stove are turned up and gas is filling the house, I cough and move toward her and the stove. As I reach out to turn the gas off she gasps and looks up at me her eyes wide and shifting from my face to the floor to the wall behind me and to my face again.

“Kelly, oh Kelly John you’re here.” She smiles up at me her teeth browning with rot. She bites if you try to brush them even on pills. I smile down at her and reach my hands out to her, she grabs them in her shaking bony fingers and I pull her up. She weighs next to nothing her whole body juts and angles, not round curves. Her eyes sunken into her head just the tiniest bit, lips chapped and bleeding, bags under her eyes, skin ashen and tight against her bones. Her hair stringy and falling down around her shoulders, her nose looked like it could’ve been broken at least twice, she wasn’t especially pretty. I always wondered if she ever had been, what was it about this pathetic woman that made my dad want to have a family with her when he was only nineteen years old. Was it just because he was horny and wanted an easy lay?

“Hey momma, how about we get you in a bath and then we make dinner. Is that alright?” I ask her as she stands on her bowed out legs, her thighs don’t touch as she stands there naked, her pubic hair over grown and disgusting covering everything which I am actually thankful for. She nods her head in a jerky motion and I help her to the bathroom. She rarely actually walks on her own and when she does it’s a slow process. A few feet from the bathroom she screams and starts to fight against me her eyes locked on the T.V. As I struggle with her I glance toward what she is seeing standing there eyes wide and mouth gaping is what used to be a woman. She is or was pregnant, she clutches as her stomach but there is no use because there is also a hole through her stomach, her face and hands are covered in blood as she trips and moves closer and closer to us. I grab my mom and throw her over my shoulder her tiny white ass up in the air as I rush into the bathroom and lock the door behind us.

I put her down on the toilet and lean against the door. She is completely normal again, well for the most part. She is mumbling to herself, talking to the voice in her head. Splashing water on my face I start to relax and then turn toward my mom. She is making rapid hand gestures and shaking her head back and forth as her body moves from side to side. I move around her knees and toward the tub turning the water on so that it just barely passes for not boiling, that’s how she likes her bath. Turning back to her she is transfixed by the water; she only takes bath for some reason afraid of falling water. Baths are of course harder to bathe her in because she just sits in her own filth but we have to manage.

“Momma, I’m going to take your shirt and bra off now, ok?” If you don’t let her know she freaks out a little bit or tries to kiss you which is never good. She lifts her thin and scared arms above her head and I pull the shirt the rest of the way off her breasts bouncing around in the too small bra. I reach around her back unhooking the once white but no yellowing bra, sliding the straps down her arm and dropping it the floor. She sits there completely naked nipples pointing east and west as she chews on her lip. She is so white, like glue or paper or something, you can see every blue vein running down her chest, into her breasts and up her neck. I grab the hair brush and run it quickly through her hair as the tub fills up with steaming water.

“Kelly doesn’t mind seeing me like this, no he doesn’t care. He’s my baby and he came out of me he can’t possibly care. Oh you hush silly. Stop calling me that, I do not. I would never do that to him not unless he wanted it too.” I shake my head, the voice, I had thought for a moment she was actually saying something to me. I place a gentle hand on her shoulder and her eyes attempt to focus on my face.

“Come on momma, time for your bath.” I help her stand and I lower her slowly into the water, she gasps as the water hits her thighs and ass but I continue to lower her in. I lay her back in the water her boobs floating on the surface of the water as I rinse her hair with baby shampoo and grab the sponge stick thing. It’s like a wooden stick with a sponge on the end, I assume it’s for like washing your back or something but I used it for washing my mom. I loved her and all but I was not going to touch her when I washed her. I rub a little bit of soap onto the sponge and move it on her chest and stomach not really paying attention just making sure her head doesn’t slip under the water as she babbles away. After using a cup to rinse the soap away, I avert my gaze again and start to wash her vagina making sure to do it quickly before I gag thinking about what I have to do. No son should have to do this to his mom, it’s just not right.

“Momma prop yourself up and roll onto your stomach.” She does as she’s told as she continues to babble to herself about whatever it is she talks about with the voice. I generally try to ignore it. She splashes in the water and clicks her teeth together as I clean her backside and start to drain the tub. She just lays there as the water moves around her body and down the drain. She doesn’t care if I have to wait for her or help her she will wait for the water to be gone. The water is gray with soap as it moves down the drain with one last gurgle-y glug.

“Yup, yup that is true but I won’t listen to you, nope not listening.” She jams her fingers into her ears not that that would help at all. I tap her shoulder and she looks up at me standing there with a towel, she starts to stand up her legs shaking as she reaches out for me. I warp the towel around her and sweep her up into my arms she presses her wet head into my neck as I move into her room. When I reach her room I set her down and start to grab clothes. I turn my back on her in search of diapers and a new bra. A moan escapes her mouth and I turn to find her laid back on the bed finger jammed into her pussy. I shake my head and turn back away. Why don’t you help her out there? You know you couldn’t get anything else.

“Oh shut up, I would never.” I grab my mom’s stuff and turn back to her she is still there finger jerking in and out of her as she breathes quickly. “Mom! Mom, stop that you need to get dressed.” She looks up at me and ashamed, pulls her finger out sitting up and looking at me she just stares. I get her dressed as quickly as I can, give her the pills I know she needs and leave her in bed as I move to make her dinner.