Hide and Seek.
un.
Hide and Seek, a simple childhood game, the ideal that seemed to govern my life. My cold fingers found themselves sporadically spread over my eyes and I ignored the fever radiating from them. “One... two... three...” I counted loudly, leaving space enough to hear running feet on either side of me, “four... five... six...” One whispered a secret to another, the sound glided to my ears, letting me in on the newest bit of Kindergarten gossip. I smiled wildly beneath my hands, making it harder for the numbers to pass my stretched lips. “Seven... eight... nine...” Everything was quiet around me, the other kids playing on the jungle gym just white noise to my young ears. I began to wonder how many more numbers I had left to go. “Ten! Ready or not here I come!” I yelled, pulling my fingers from my slowly freezing face and pulling down my cap in one quick motion.
The playground was still crowded, but I couldn’t see any of my friends. I wandered around, looking for any trace of Bianca’s purple scarf or of Ryan’s squeaky, blue boots. I felt lost for a second, realizing how alone I was all of the sudden, before I remembered the game and started searching with renewed vigor. I felt the reason I really only liked the hiding part of this game fill deep into my bones as a lonely feeling seeped in from the cold gusts of wind surrounding me. “Emma!” Bianca’s young, pitchy voice called from across the grass yard and when I turned I saw a flicker of her deep purple scarf as it rode on the wind.
I seemed to remember how to smile as I raced across the frosted grass, only slightly disappointed in my ruining its beauty as I tagged Bianca, pulling her behind me back to the actual playground where we had started. “You cheated,” I laughed, only half joking as my eyes scanned the rest of the area for Ryan.
“I helped you!” Bianca retorted, crossing her arms over her chest and readjusting her scarf. In that moment, I heard the signature squeak of Ryan’s blue boots through the snow and pivoted to see him running from inside of the slide, searching frantically for a new place to hide.
I ran towards him. “I got you!” I yelled, too loudly, next to his ear.
“That’s not fair! I got pushed out of the slide!” he objected, but the laughter was in his silvery blue eyes and his wide smile as he pointed to the slide he had been hiding in.
“Bianca’s turn to count,” I stumbled over my words a little, anxious to find my own hiding place, taking off the minute the small brunette had her eyes closed. Ryan caught up a little after, neither of us worried over the bell that would soon be ringing. Kindergarten held no cares besides whose turn it was and when recess was.
Until this moment, I never truly realized how much I missed those days. The ones where it wasn’t childish to play hide and seek or jump rope to silly rhymes, because it was natural. The ones where you didn’t have to worry about the person on your heels or what horrors the next day would bring. Until this moment, I had never understood what a gift it was.
My breath formed clouds in front of my eyes as my lungs pleaded for the air to come back and my legs screamed at me to stop. My head told me it was already too late, but my heart told me to keep running. My eyes desperately searched for a place to hide, a hollow in a tree, an open gate into a backyard amongst the tall, empty, warehouse district mansions. I could hear him gaining ground behind me and in a frenzied second I found myself darting down an alleyway that I couldn’t see the end of. I prayed that it wasn’t a dead end.
“You can’t hide,” the voice growled from behind me and tears formed in my eyes, just willing for someone to magically appear beside me, wishing I hadn’t let my phone die an hour earlier.
I pulled my hood over my head with frozen and numb fingers as I turned a corner and then another as I came to them. I hardly dodged a puddle, leaving my socks wet against my feet. My stomach turned as I realized there were no more corners and, almost as if I were on autopilot, dove into the disgusting black trash bags that were piled into mountains on either side of me.
The zipper of my black sweatshirt stuck when I tried to pull it up all the way, making my heart beat even harder against my chest. Giving up, I bent myself over my knees, trying to cover the last bit of color, plugging my nose to block out the horrible stench my haven of garbage was giving off. Sound pounded in my ears, making it impossible to hear anything else. Quickly, I shoved my mouth and nose under the lapel of the hoodie, covering my foggy breath and some of the noise as his thundering footsteps could be heard rounding the last corner. I froze, not letting myself move or think or breathe, I couldn’t afford to be found.
I closed my eyes, thanking the heavens that I’d been so good at hiding when I was younger. Happy for once that I had become accustomed to it the older I grew. I tried to count the seconds it took him to turn around and give up hope, finding a new victim for the night, but I fumbled with the numbers as they formed in my mind and settled, instead, on silently crying into my knees until he was gone. He never seemed to leave, as I sat hunched over in the filth, burning as the frostbite took over my toes and my barely covered fingers.
I bit my lip, wondering what kind of metaphor this made for my life, with the man still lurking in the corners of the alley, waiting for me to reappear. I always knew there was a reason Hide and Seek was my favorite game.
The playground was still crowded, but I couldn’t see any of my friends. I wandered around, looking for any trace of Bianca’s purple scarf or of Ryan’s squeaky, blue boots. I felt lost for a second, realizing how alone I was all of the sudden, before I remembered the game and started searching with renewed vigor. I felt the reason I really only liked the hiding part of this game fill deep into my bones as a lonely feeling seeped in from the cold gusts of wind surrounding me. “Emma!” Bianca’s young, pitchy voice called from across the grass yard and when I turned I saw a flicker of her deep purple scarf as it rode on the wind.
I seemed to remember how to smile as I raced across the frosted grass, only slightly disappointed in my ruining its beauty as I tagged Bianca, pulling her behind me back to the actual playground where we had started. “You cheated,” I laughed, only half joking as my eyes scanned the rest of the area for Ryan.
“I helped you!” Bianca retorted, crossing her arms over her chest and readjusting her scarf. In that moment, I heard the signature squeak of Ryan’s blue boots through the snow and pivoted to see him running from inside of the slide, searching frantically for a new place to hide.
I ran towards him. “I got you!” I yelled, too loudly, next to his ear.
“That’s not fair! I got pushed out of the slide!” he objected, but the laughter was in his silvery blue eyes and his wide smile as he pointed to the slide he had been hiding in.
“Bianca’s turn to count,” I stumbled over my words a little, anxious to find my own hiding place, taking off the minute the small brunette had her eyes closed. Ryan caught up a little after, neither of us worried over the bell that would soon be ringing. Kindergarten held no cares besides whose turn it was and when recess was.
Until this moment, I never truly realized how much I missed those days. The ones where it wasn’t childish to play hide and seek or jump rope to silly rhymes, because it was natural. The ones where you didn’t have to worry about the person on your heels or what horrors the next day would bring. Until this moment, I had never understood what a gift it was.
My breath formed clouds in front of my eyes as my lungs pleaded for the air to come back and my legs screamed at me to stop. My head told me it was already too late, but my heart told me to keep running. My eyes desperately searched for a place to hide, a hollow in a tree, an open gate into a backyard amongst the tall, empty, warehouse district mansions. I could hear him gaining ground behind me and in a frenzied second I found myself darting down an alleyway that I couldn’t see the end of. I prayed that it wasn’t a dead end.
“You can’t hide,” the voice growled from behind me and tears formed in my eyes, just willing for someone to magically appear beside me, wishing I hadn’t let my phone die an hour earlier.
I pulled my hood over my head with frozen and numb fingers as I turned a corner and then another as I came to them. I hardly dodged a puddle, leaving my socks wet against my feet. My stomach turned as I realized there were no more corners and, almost as if I were on autopilot, dove into the disgusting black trash bags that were piled into mountains on either side of me.
The zipper of my black sweatshirt stuck when I tried to pull it up all the way, making my heart beat even harder against my chest. Giving up, I bent myself over my knees, trying to cover the last bit of color, plugging my nose to block out the horrible stench my haven of garbage was giving off. Sound pounded in my ears, making it impossible to hear anything else. Quickly, I shoved my mouth and nose under the lapel of the hoodie, covering my foggy breath and some of the noise as his thundering footsteps could be heard rounding the last corner. I froze, not letting myself move or think or breathe, I couldn’t afford to be found.
I closed my eyes, thanking the heavens that I’d been so good at hiding when I was younger. Happy for once that I had become accustomed to it the older I grew. I tried to count the seconds it took him to turn around and give up hope, finding a new victim for the night, but I fumbled with the numbers as they formed in my mind and settled, instead, on silently crying into my knees until he was gone. He never seemed to leave, as I sat hunched over in the filth, burning as the frostbite took over my toes and my barely covered fingers.
I bit my lip, wondering what kind of metaphor this made for my life, with the man still lurking in the corners of the alley, waiting for me to reappear. I always knew there was a reason Hide and Seek was my favorite game.