Wide Awake, My Mistake

How could I have been so fucking stupid. What the fuck had I done? I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me due to my stupidity. Christ sake. I tried to apologise to her, but she just wouldn’t let me explain, I know I hurt her with those harsh unnecessary words that I actually said to her face- how low could I get. Then I finally realised what I had actually said to her, I said she was a waste of my time, when really she was all I wanted to spend my time with, and I basically called her a liar too and what’s worse, I’m fucking her ‘enemy’. What have I done? At this time I was laying in bed beside Maisy, I felt dirty, I felt what I had just done was morally wrong. I’m only using Maisy to get back at Lea, but the thing is she didn’t get back with Alex to spite me, no. She got back with him because they love each other. I just let jealousy get the best of me, and boy, did I feel like a twat about it. I couldn’t do this anymore, I couldn’t play this game. I got up out of Maisy’s bed, slowly pulling her arm away from my chest, getting changed as fast as I possibly good, before leaving her home. A bad thing to do to a girl, yes was her feelings worth it? Not a fucking quarter.

I didn’t live that far away, so I just walked home. The fresh air helps clear my mind. I guess I should be civil with Alex and Lea because they hadn’t actually done anything wrong, I say this now after everything as I’m just too slow at realising things. I have to apologise to them, try and make everything ok between us all, the tension is just not worth it all. I mean I’m sure if we all got to know each other better, we’d be good friends, and we all play a musical instrument so us boys could maybe start a band or something just for fun. However first thing is first I need to clear the air.

As soon as I walked through my house, trying not to make any loud noises that could possibly wake the rest of the Barakat residence, I made my way to my bedroom before slipping down into my boxers and crawling into bed.

Tomorrow I will make everything ok again, I will get my best friend back.

Today was Saturday, I decided to crawl out of my bed at around 1:30, being lazy is one thing I am good at. Do not judge. I trudged through to the bathroom to take a quick shower, after I pulled on some random shirt and a pair of skinnies, before heading out the door towards Lea’s. Yet again I decided against taking me car, being more active. Yeah right, won’t happen again. I soon came onto Lea’s street. I walked past many large houses before hers. I slowly made my way up to the front porch, trying to make out what I was actually going to say once she answered. After I was satisfied, I rang the bell twice and waited. Soon enough the door swung open, revealing Lea. She didn’t look too happy about me being here.

“What do you want?” she scowled.
I had to admit, it did actually hurt that we had been such dorks to each other. What best friends do that? It’s just not right.

“I came here to apologise, but before you slam the door in my face I would like to explain, if that’s okay?” I asked maturely.

She nodded, answering the question I asked.

“I was completely out of order, I should never had said those harsh words to you, it was a load of balls. I mean, Lea you are my best friend, always will be nothing will ever change that, I hope. I just want you to understand that I was jealous, you know how I felt about you and it hurt that as soon as I told you, you got back with Alex. I know now that I was being pathetic about the whole thing and I would really appreciate it if maybe we could all try to get a long? That’s if you want to of course and by the way I never did love or like Maisy, I was using her to get back at you, I’m so sorry” I breathed, trying not to cry because I’m not usually like this and I don’t want to seem like a pussy.

I waited for her to reply, but she was just stood there, I could tell she was crying because I saw the tears fall from her cheeks. I didn’t want to upset her, I felt the need to comfort her. I slowly moved my hand to hers, pulling her into a hug, which when she made contact with my chest, she immediately bust into tears. I didn’t know what else to say or anything that would make her feel better, I had said my part all I could do now was hope that she would forgive me, not that I deserve to be by the way I had been acting. I guess the good thing was that she didn’t pull away from me.

I just wish she knew what I was going through.