Wide Awake, My Mistake

[After Leander had smacked me in class today, it completely opened my eyes to what was going on. For the last six years, I’ve felt so incomplete. I felt so bad for getting her in trouble, especially when it was my fault. I feel like such an idiot. I wish I could take it all back, I mean all of it, these crappy six years. It was currently lunch time now, I hadn’t seen Leander since class, when she was sent to the principle’s office, I was lost in my thoughts, but was dragged out by Maisy wrapping her arms around mine, bragging about how she smacked Leander, for touching me…wait WHAT?!
“YOU DID WHAT?!” I shouted at the top of my voice
She looked at me, shocked that I had raised my voice at her for the first time.
“Alex, baby, she deserved it, she can’t smack my man and get away with it” she smirked thinking it would get her extra points and a quick pass into my pants. I don’t think so love. I shoved her off me, before standing up.
“What Leander did was my fault, I provoked her, she doesn’t deserve anything like that, she has don’t absolutely nothing wrong at all, and look what we’ve been doing to her, what I have?! I’m supposed to be her best friend for god‘s sake! That night when you told me that Leander had told you how much she hated me for some apparent reason…she didn’t actually say that did she?” I asked, looking her right in the eyes.
She shook her head, with a silent tear.
“What did she say Maisy? I want the honest truth” I asked her nicely, calming down a little.
“She said she was in love with you” she whispered.
She what?! She was in love with me?! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, all this time I had hated her, for hating me when it was completely the opposite, and she was in love with me. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach in guilt, what had I done? I was in love with her too. I just didn’t know it at the time, how could I have been so stupid… I had to find her. Bell rang bring me out of my deep thoughts, I turned from Maisy and her friends at the table and headed towards class, thinking I was in desperate need to find Leander and explain everything, apologise for the last six years, I just hope she can forgive me, though I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t. What happened between us was wrong, and hurtful, that I would do anything to take them back and correct mistakes, making sure nothing had ever happened and tell her that I loved her. But unfortunately I can’t do that, my only hope is to speak to her now and hope that she’d understand…
Funnily enough the rest of the day went pretty quickly, still having Leander on my mind, after last period; I headed straight out to the parking lot where I saw her walking down the street, in the direction of home.
“Leander!” I shouted, she turned around and rolled her eyes before carrying walking.
This time I ran up behind her and grabbed her shoulder, turning her to face me,
“What?” she sneered at me.
“Look, I wanted to apologise for what I said today, I didn’t think you’d take it seriously, out of everything, I thought you would have been the same, I thought you would have thought I was joking” I muttered clearly not knowing what to say, blurting out shit about earlier. I didn’t know what else to say?! I didn’t want to scare her off.
She just shook her head in disbelief, which hurt. Could she not tell how sorry I was?
“You make my life a living hell, Alex. What did I ever do to you? Huh? I had enough of everything you said to me and I snapped. Hoping it would teach you a lesson, I slapped you. I would apologise, but you know it would be fake. You deserved it. Just stay away from me” she finally finished before turning back around and heading home, leaving me stood there watching as she walked away.
What she said hurt, I know what I’ve done was pretty worse, I had no idea I hurt her that much though, I just didn’t know what to say to her, I just stood there like a dick. Though I needed to talk to her either way, so I followed her, I know that sounds creepy but I needed to do it, I needed to get things the way they were before. I stayed a little behind from her, so she didn’t realise I was following her. When we got to her street, I hid behind an old oak tree, as childish and unrealistic as that sounds, it actually is a smart idea. Leander stopped at the bottom of her drive, hesitating whether or not to go home, after making that short decision, she walked on, choosing not to go home just yet. I think I had an idea where she may be heading too. Not long after following behind her, she came to the entrance of the woods, where we shared our little place, our cabin nestled in the centre of the forest. I watched her as she walked in, leaving the door open behind her. I didn’t hesitate to follow her steps and stand just outside the door, where I could see her kneeling beside the chest that held onto precious memories of our happier years…
“You didn’t forget?” I spoke gently.
She jumped up before nearly tripping over her own feet turning to face me, She looked so beautiful.
“I could never forget” I heard her mutter
I smiled gently at what she had said.
“I always come here to think y’know? To write my music, it gives me so much inspiration, do you know why Leander?” I asked her, not expecting her to know that it was because it reminds me so much of her.
“Noo, I don’t know why, but I’m guessing you’re going to tell me?” she replied a little agitated.
I began walking closer to her.
“Because it reminds me of you” I whispered into her ear, feeling her shiver from my breath. She abruptly stood back away from me.
I felt hurt from that, regret also forcing it’s way through me, wishing I could just take everything back, to make it the way it should have been.
“Alex…don’t say that. Please. After six long years, things have changed. We’re not the people we used to be, we’ve grown up since then and things have happened, though surprisingly the only thing that has stayed the same, is my love for you. No matter what you put me through, my feelings never changed, for some unknown reason, but that alone doesn’t take back all those years, I don’t mean to sound harsh Alex, you were my best friend for so long, I just…I guess I’ve got used to being on my own mostly now, where as before we were inseparable, that was until Maisy came into the picture, you’ve got your friends and I’ve got mine. I’m sorry Alex” she spoke with a tint of sadness.
I never new she loved me, what did I do!? I was so stupid! I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to reassure her, tell her that I loved her from the start, the way I still feel for her now.
Before I brought myself back to my senses, Leander shook her head at me, before leaving, heading back out of the woods towards home,
I decided on letting her go…for now, just until us both can get our heads together about things. Though she is right, everything she said was right. I should never have let Maisy come between us; it’s all down to her. I don’t even know why I was dating her, I guess it was from when I stopped talking to Leander, and she just took her place. I shouldn’t have let her, what kind of best friend am I? no wonder Leander want’s nothing to do with me now, I need to prove to her, that I’m the same Alex as before, I may have slept around with random girls, but never once did I not wish it was with Leander, ever. She was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Bending down I picked up all the photos, shovelling them into my jacket pockets before heading out of the cabin towards my home.
It didn’t take me long, I soon arrived at my family home, lost in thoughts time does go quite fast. I opened my front door, to be greeted by my mom who had the worst mother’s worried look. I was in deep shit.
“ALEXANDER WILLIAM GASKARTH!” she practically screamed. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?”
I shoved my hands into my pants pockets before taking my gaze away from my feet.
“I was trying to talk to Leander, Mom. She hates me.” I sighed trying to get past her so I could go to my room.
My moms face soothed a little; she knew how much Leander meant to me, we were always together no matter what. I guess in a way maybe mom missed her too.
“Sweetie, I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that. I’m sorry. But you know how I worry. Anything could have happened to you. Another thing, Alexander Leander loved you, she would never hate you. All those years I could see the way you looked at her, and the way she looked at you. It was love. It’s like you were made for each other, I know that sounds cheesy, but its true baby. I don’t think neither of you could stop loving each other. Of all the girls you brought home, never once did you look happy or satisfied? Is it? I knew you wish you could be with Leander, you just got to show her you love her, and that you’re feeling are still there” she completely opened up, whilst pointing at my heart.
I have to say, my mom knows what she’s talking about, everything said, true. I smiled at my mom before pulling her into a hug. I love this woman, she knows the right thing to say. After that mom let me make my way up to my room, I wasn’t the type to do homework so I just sprawled over my huge bed, and gradually fell into a gentle sleep.