Finnick Odair, My Friend... I'm Sorry

“Would you like a sugar cube?”

The question haunts me in my dreams. But the question isn’t the factor that makes my heart pace, or my body sweat, or my brain throb. It’s his face, his eyes, his death. I see it over and over, and every recall makes me tremble. He was my friend, the one I could relate to most after Haymitch. Yet he is gone and I’m still here.

The fact that he died, sacrificed himself, for me makes my breathe stop, stops the words from escaping. The first couple of nightmares were unexpected. With Prim’s death, my killing Coin, Snow dead, the revolution over along with the capitol… There was no room to mourn anyone but her, and to think of anything but those events. But now, in District Twelve, with nothing but time in my hands, its all I can do not to cry.

Boggs, Finnick, Prim, Mesalla, Castor, Homes, Jackson, Leege 1, Leege 2, Mitchell. All but Prim, sacrificed themselves for me; Prim for the kids who were bombed because of me; everywhere death, because of me. I mourn these people, some of them not really my friends, but still important enough to make me cry. But of all of these, after Prim, the death that haunts me most is Finnick’s.

He was my friend; we helped each other when Peeta and Annie were at the Capitol. We were each other’s anchor. He was my friend, he had a wife, he was loved. He was happy, he shouldn’t have died. He was my friend. When I didn’t know what to do, he gave me rope. When I watched Peeta on TV he held my hand. When he was in the clutches of the mutts, I couldn’t save him.

The mutts; the lizard, rose stanching, mutts. The ones who killed my friends. The ones who were sent to kill me, but destroyed those I cared about instead. They decapitated him… They decapitated him. Finnick did not deserve it, none of them did, but Finnick did not deserve to die so cruelly, at the hands of the mutts. It disgusts me that I couldn’t help him. Once I noticed he wasn’t up, he was already in their clutches. I couldn’t save him, his death is my fault.

At his death I saw the sugar cubes, I saw his sea-green eyes and the stare that was so full of life after Annie. Annie… I saw her too. I saw her stableness with Finnick at her side, and her madness without him. I saw their wedding and then I saw him dead. But then I didn’t see him at all, because we had to keep moving. We had to leave him and so not even a proper burial was given in his honor. I left him, lifeless, headless in the tunnels of the forsaken Capitol. I will never forgive myself for that.

With all the time at my disposal and my new fond love for singing, I’ve wrote a song in his honor. One I will sing to the Mockingjays, so they may spread the love and the laughter and the beauty and the kindness that came with Finnick. So that the world will know that without him, none of us would be alive. That he sacrificed his life, his morality, his friends, for me and, in turn, for all of humanity. The world should remember Finnick, because in him was so many qualities that proved that humans can be caring; can be loved yet go insane and can get better. Humans are unpredictable, we can change or stay the same; we can give ourselves for those we love. We will sacrifice ourselves if its for the greater good… That was Finnick. He was the best of humanity. Everyone should and will remember him.

So that day I go to the meadow. I find a mocking jay and sing his song.

Tall and Handsome.
Kind and pure.
He whose eyes were green.
He held your gaze.
Cannot be erased.
On my mind hell stay.

He gave his life for me, for us.
He left behind his wife, his lust.
He had a baby he’ll never see.
But he sacrificed himself for me.
My friend he was, he’ll continue to be.
I love him so.

But gone with a wave.
Never again will he say he loves.
Never again will he love.
Never again will I see,
His beautiful face, his handsome lure.
His sarcastic comments, his lovely trident.
His skill for combat, yet the kindness.
He was my friend, hell continue to be.
I love him so.

Annie… Dearest Annie.
He loved you, he loved you so.
You were his life, his snow,
His wave, his sea.
He loved you, no disbelief.
His child you bear, and it hurts me so,
That his father can’t love him too.
But so much like him he seems,
And grow up I cannot wait to see.
He was my friend, hell continue to be.
I love him so.

To all of you, that didn’t know him.
He died for you, so you could live.
He died for me, for the Mockingjay.
He died for me and im grateful.
And now, he’s gone. But remembered.
He’s dead, but alive.
I sing this song, to recognize,
Without him we wouldn’t be alive.
So sing, Mockingjays. Sing to the skies.
Remember my friend, and bid him goodbye.
He was my friend, hell continue to be.
He loved us so, he set us free.
I love him so. You should too.
Finnick Odair, my friend.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The mocking birds sang. They sing to this day the final stanza; which was the most important. Finnick Odair, my friend. He will be remembered. Although the nightmares haunt me, and although I still mourn your death know that, wherever you are, we see you. When Im at a beach or visit 4. When I see water, salty or otherwise, you come to mind. When I see a green resembling your eyes, I see you. When I hear a laugh or see a smile or add sugar cubes to my coffee… you’re there. So wherever you are Finnick, in the water, on a wave, in the green, know that you were my friend. That I loved you and that Annie loved you and that we cared. You have a beautiful boy, one who looks like you. Know that im trying my best to not let anyone forget. You will be remembered, always. I promise. Thank you for your gift. Im sorry you had to die, you don’t know how much.

Thank you. Finnick. And I’m sorry…