Try Not to Lose You

“…. Possession of narcotics; first offence, assault in the second degree, accessory to murder,” I closed my eyes, only letting myself catch just a few of the charges being placed on my husband of four years. Even if I willed them to, my eyes wouldn’t open as I knew who was sitting, in an orange freaking jumpsuit, just ten meters away from me.

Brian Haner Jr. The man who I once thought was the perfect husband, the most gentle human being I’d ever come in contact with... was part of a vicious gang. No more than a year ago, I found about his… gang-related activities that had been happening right under my nose. Our entire marriage had been a lie. One entire motherfucking lie just so Brian, or Synyster Gates as some liked to call him, could keep himself safe. Of course he claimed that he’d loved me all along, but how could I know he was telling the truth about that when he’d lied about everything else?

What I could not wrap my head around was the fact that for four entire years I was completely oblivious to everything, every crime he’d committed, and every little thing he’d done wrong. At least until he got caught. That had been his only, most fatal mistake. And now he was going to pay for it for a very long time.

My eyes stung with tears, thinking about the past few years and how wonderful they’d been. They really had been a fairytale as I’d always called them, because every single aspect of them turned out to be as fake as Brian himself. The web of lies he had created; the supposed job he went to every day and the paycheque he brought home, his friends, his nights out, his love for me, was elaborate... and sometimes I wondered why he even did all of it in the first place.

Over the past few months, before he’d been taken into custody, I’d given him countless chances. Again and again he said he’d try. That he’d do better. That once he got out of jail he’d be the same old Brian I adored. But we were both painfully aware of how impossible that was, not after I knew what I did. Sweet Brian wasn’t sweet Brian anymore, I knew him for who he truly was. He was a person who had beaten a poor girl so badly that she’d almost died. Over something related to a couple ounces of fucking cocaine.

I couldn’t help myself. My eyes flickered open, straight to the person I was probably still madly in love with after everything. His eyes caught mine instantly, his chocolate brown orbs filled with unsuppressed emotion. He mouthed something to me, but I didn’t catch it. It looked like ‘I’m sorry’, but that couldn’t possible have been it. He should have known by then that his verbal apologies wouldn’t work on me.

“Court will resume after a short recess.” The female judge’s voice brought me out of my trance, and I quickly shook my head to rid myself from all the old feelings that were still springing up... just from looking at him.

Two officers escorted Brian out of the room, and I sat rooted to my seat for a moment. After the break, I was sure the jury was going to read their verdict. Would I be ready to learn that I’d be without my husband for years upon years?

As I made my way out of the court room, my legs felt mechanical, as if I were just going through all the motions of the past few months over and over again, reliving my nightmare.

I knew where I was going and I knew what I was setting myself up for. I was taking myself to Brian’s holding cell, to get a few last words out to him before I’d be talking to him through a plexiglass wall with a phone. The same two officers monitored me closely as I drew closer to his cell, and for a moment I wanted to pull and shake and rattle bars of the cell and beg for them to let my husband out.

Brian seemed to be doing that himself, his calloused hands gripping the bars until his knuckles turned white, his forehead pressed to them. His unruly black hair was just as crazy as ever, and as far as I was concerned, even in the vile prison uniform he was wearing, he was still as gorgeous as ever.

“Angie, please,” He begged, looking like he was about to cry. He must have known, just form the way I had refused to look at him all day, what I’d been deliberating. “Don’t leave me. Just wait for me. This was all a mistake, I got caught up in something I didn’t want to be in,” He continued, but then began rambling about his chances for parole in a few years.

We both knew however, that time and time again my love for him never failed to be blind.

Could I wait for him? The answer came to my mind quickly. Yes, I could. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I could wait, even for his full sentence of ten plus years, for Brian. Not Synyster fucking Gates. Not the gang member. But how did I know which was the real him? Should I even risk it?

I shook my head, once again not able to listen to him any longer. He instantly stopped, his eyes filling with even more tears, while they were then freely streaming down my porcelain cheeks. “You lied to me about everything, Brian. My entire life is basically a sham. How am I supposed to—to,” I broke off with a sob, hiding my face in my hands. Still, even in my state, I knew I had to get all of this out then. “You broke every single one of the promises you made to me.”

“While all of this is hurting you, Bri, you have to think about me. I’m scared of being alone—this is, this is killing me.”

“I’d take it all back if I could, Ang, and I’d be your husband and we’d have lots of babies and grow old together like we planned. We can still do that. You just have to hold onto me and wait, you can’t lose me. Please Angela. You're all I have left.”

Finally, I backed away from his cell and frantically wiped my cheeks, grimacing at the traces of makeup on my hands. “Recess is almost... it’s probably gonna start again soon,” I murmured, not being able to look him or the two policemen in the eye. Without another word I turned on my heel and headed back to the courtroom.

I sat in the exact same spot I’d been in earlier, ignoring everyone around me. One by one the jury filed back into the room, as did everyone else. My heart rate quickened significantly, and the reality of this was once again setting in for me.

“Court is now in session. Has the jury reached its verdict?”

In monotone, a member of the jury replied with a ‘yes’, and it was that moment I chose to blank out, only catching the number of years and his chances of parole, like he’d said. The judge sentenced him, and from what little I could tell she was just repeated what the jury had said. Once again my eyes closed, my mind racing a mile a minute.

Coming into this courtroom I knew what was coming, that there were absolutely no chances that my Brian would be out of jail today or any day for a long time. I caught a glimpse of Brian bowing his head, and just as quickly as earlier, he caught my eyes when the officers were once again escorting him out of the courtroom... except I wasn’t going to be able to talk to him like I just had.

“I’ll try,” I whispered as I shakily stood, knowing he was looking and able to decipher my words. “I’ll try not to lose you.”