Captain Diapers

I’m sitting on the floor of the bathroom, looking at the two pregnancy tests I took a few minutes ago and wondering how in the world I am going to tell my family and Jonathan. Johnny’s got his own life in Chicago and I’m here in North Dakota. I mean I never seen Jonathan as anymore as a brotherly type to me so for us to be put in this position must’ve been a slip of judgment on both parties. After all, it does take two to tango, especially with the size of Jonathan’s equipment.

Seriously, even when we met it wasn’t all sweets and romance. He’s always been that derpy.

*6 years ago*

“Candace, can you hurry up?” Mallory shouted from the outside of the bathroom. “I need to pee!”

“I have to look perfect for orientation. First impressions mean everything.”

“It’s not high school anymore. Now hurry or I’ll pee on my shorts!” I unlocked the door and let my dorky little sister come in to relive herself. “Ahhh! Feels good.”

“TMI, Mal.” I look at the mirror to make sure my makeup was okay. “Do I look good?”

“It’s just Freshman Orientation. It’s not like you’re living in campus.” I see my sister rolling her eyes as she reaches for the toilet paper.

“I want to be ready just in case I enroll myself into a sorority.”

“You have time for that.” Mallory flushes the toilet as she got up and picked up her shorts. “I hope no one would be up my ass now that I’m a Senior.”

“You’ll do fine. Maybe you’ll have a boyfriend by Prom.” I smiled as Mal stick her tongue out before leaving the bathroom. I checked myself in the bathroom one more time before leaving with her.

I walked into the room with plenty of incoming freshman at UND. Some of my classmates are attending school here but I want to stay away from them. High school is so last year and now I want hang around the college crowd. I’m still at odds with my parents as they want me to commute to school. They think paying for that extra room and board is asking too much. I got into UND based on my dance scholarship and being left handed. Plus it does help when your mother and grandparents are UND alumni.

I sat in my group while hearing all these things about how great is it to come here and within minutes was bored. But I know I have to introduce myself in front of my group.

“Hi.” I smiled as I introduced myself. “My name is Candace Krause. I’m from right here Grand Forks and I’m a Political Science major. I’m also an upcoming member of the dance team and I’m a lefty.” Everything came out of my mouth was like Elle Woods was in her first day at Harvard Law. Everyone looked at me as I was some dumb blonde.

I was ready to hide under my purse when the dorky boy in the polo shirt started to talk.

“Hello. I’m Jonathan Toews. I’m originally from Winnipeg but I graduated high school in my boarding school in Minnesota. I’m undecided now but I’m sure I’ll pick a major before the end of the semester.” I began to yawn as he talked about skipping a grade to enter college early and being half French-Canadian when suddenly he mentioned… “I’m also a member of the Fightin’ Sioux.”

That scrawny dork is a hockey player? I would’ve guest he was some Bio major, based on his boarding school education and being Canadian. For some reason, he’s more a type Mallory would go out with.

Thinking about it now, I couldn’t believe I sat next to him during that orientation. But it did help a few months later when I went out with someone from his floor and set him up with Mal. I mean, he’s a derp, she’s a choir priss… perfect! She even lost her virginity to him and everything. She didn’t even have to tell me. She was starting to steal my tampons whenever it was her time of the month. Thinking about it, we both had sex with the same guy, which means I indirectly slept with my sister. Eww!

My phone started to ring as I need someone to talk to and fast.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hey Candace.” Mallory called me back after I left her a message on her phone. “I have to make this quick because I’m driving in my car.”

“You know what Daddy said about that.”

“Yeah I know. I have you on speaker. So what’s wrong?”

“I need you to pull over because the last thing you need is a car accident.”

“Is it that big? You saw the sign?”

“Stop it with the mid 90s Euro Pop puns, Mallory.”

“Hey you love Ace of Base. Now cut to the chase. What’s up?”

“Papa don’t preach… I’m in trouble deep.” The next thing I heard were honks on Mallory’s end. “Hello? Mal?”