Moth to Flame

Gerard moves the hair from my face and I turn to face him a smile forming on my lips. We’re staying at another hotel just outside of California. Oscar has gone down to the store to buy some food for dinner since there is a refrigerator and a microwave in the hotel room. He had asked me if I wanted to go with him and I’d told him no, I was tired.

I really just felt like sitting around with Gerard, his fingers tickling the exposed skin between the hem of my shirt and the waistband of my jeans. I really just felt like feeling his lips against mine and his breath ghosting against my face as he sighs through his nostrils.

This is passion. This is desire. This says “I love you.”

“What are you thinking about?” Gerard asks me, pecking my cheek.

“You.” I smile.

Gerard grins in return and wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. I settle into his chest, turning my head so my lips are pressed against his neck. I close my eyes and kiss his skin, savoring whatever time we have left before we hear Oscar’s key turning in the lock.

“I haven’t been this happy in a long time,” Gerard tells me, his chin resting on top of my head. His thumb rubs at my upper arm as he sighs. “Not since that night in the backyard.”

I turn myself around a little so I can look at him properly. “Really?” I ask him. “Are you serious?”

He only nods. “I’ve been happy since then; don’t get me wrong. I just… I haven’t been happy like this. I forgot what it even felt like.”

I feel sad for him because he hasn’t really known love. I feel selfish because I’ve had it all along with Oscar. Granted, it wasn’t the same as it was with Gerard, but it was love. Even now, I’m happy but I can tell that things are different. Gerard is different. I can see him for everything he is as well as everything I sometimes wish he could be.

I still feel bad because here I am, with two great guys, and I’m taking it all for granted.

“Can I ask you something?”

Gerard looks at me, a smile in his eyes. “Yeah. Go ahead. Anything.”

He’s so calm and unlike his usual self. I rarely see him so content with where he is. I rarely see him not stressed out and without a cigarette on hand.

“Does it make you upset that I’m still with Oscar?”

Gerard is about to answer when the key turns in the lock. I look at him with apologetic eyes and untangle myself from within his arms. I peck his lips and stand before going to the door to help Oscar with the bags.

“How was the store?” I ask as Oscar tosses a few bags onto the bed.

“Pretty empty. The cashier was a real chatterbox. I’m guessing it’s only because this town is kind of abandoned.”

Oscar turns to face me and smiles before wrapping his arms around my waist. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and sighs. His hands are warm against my skin. He holds me close and I can tell it’s only because he wants to remind himself that I’m here and also just to let me know that he is here as well.

This is safety. This is security. This says “Te amo.”