Moth to Flame

“Hey, Oscar?”

We’re sitting alone at this restraint near the beach. Gerard is asleep in the car, probably dreaming about… I don’t know. I’d like to think he’s dreaming of me, but I doubt he is. He was pretty angry, or maybe upset would be a better word, the last time we actually spoke.

“What is it, babe?” Oscar asks.

“I…”I stare out the window, my finger tracing the rim of my glass of water. When I look back to

Oscar his eyes meet mine and I can see the concern. “Do you think you could ever hate me?”

He cocks his head to the side. “Hate you?” He smiles. “Never.”

And it’s then that my heart truly breaks because I really think that he could; He just doesn’t know it yet. I’m so tempted to tell him everything; it’s what I had planned to do in the first place. Just put it all out there so he could see me for what I really am: a liar, a cheater, and everything in between. The way his eyes are on my face, that dreamy smile on his face… it makes me feel sick inside because I know I’m not the boy he thinks I am.

I’m not the person he fell in love with.

To be honest, I hardly know who I am anymore. I suppose I’m just some guy who cheats on his amazing boyfriend and pushes his best friend toward suicide. Just facing myself makes me want to crawl under a rock.

“Why do you think I could hate you, Frankie?”

I look up and my heart feels like it’s about to burst through my chest. It’s just beating so fast and I’m not sure I can actually form the words.

“I um…” I rub the back of my neck. “I’m not—I don’t deserve you,” I tell him. “You’re so great and I’ve done nothing to deserve someone like you.”

Oscar smiles and leaves his side of the booth so that we’re both sitting on mine. He pulls me close so that my head is resting in the crook of my neck as his hands rub soothing circles into my back. He kisses the top of my head. “You’re amazing, Frankie,” he whispers. “I just wish you could see yourself the way everyone else does.”

I want to cry because I’m killing him and he doesn’t even know it.

“No,” I reply, pushing myself away from him. “I’m not.”

Oscar looks at me, confused. “What makes you say that?”

My eyes start to sting because the tears are about to fall. They feel heavy. “I cheated on you,” I confess, my voice barely above a whisper.

He doesn’t say anything for a long time. We’re only sitting in the booth, the small amount of chatter only coming from the rest of the customers. “Oscar… Please say something,” I beg. “Don’t just sit there being quiet.”

“Gerard?” He asks me and, immediately, I know what he means.

I nod. “Yeah.”

“How long?”

“It started a little after he joined us,” I tell him. “That night we camped out in the car.”
He looks at me. “It was more than once?”

I can see the hurt in his eyes and, more than anything, I want to go back in time and never tell him anything. Maybe never even start something with Gerard. I really just want to start life over and try doing things right for a change.

All I can do is nod.

“How many times?”

“Oscar—“

“How many?” His voice is thick and heavy and I can tell he’s about to cry as well. There’s nothing I can do about it though because it’s my fault he’s feeling this way.

“It’s been… it was a constant thing, Oscar.” I can’t even look at him when I say this because I know his expression will make me break.

“I should have known,” he says to himself. “I should have known when you spent all that time talking to him at the hotel.” He looks at me. “You guys are too close. But, you know what? I trusted you. I told myself that you loved me too much to do something like this… but here we are. You did it.”

“I’m sorry…”

Oscar shakes his head. It’s the first time I’ve seen him like this. He’s never angry or hurt or impolite.

“No, Frank. Sorry just won’t cut it anymore. I can accept sorry when you don’t want to talk to me or when you’re not feeling well. I can accept sorry after a fight, but not in response to this. This crosses the line.”

My eyes widen and I fear that I’m going to lose him. I fear that what we had prior to this conversation is dead and buried. “What are you saying?”

Oscar sighs, the tears finally slipping from his eyes. “I’m saying that we’re done, Frankie.”
And my heart breaks because I don’t feel safe anymore. I don’t feel protected and I definitely don’t feel stable. My sense of direction is gone and I’m not sure of where I’m going. I’m lost.
I expect him to get up and leave but, instead, he sits there, staring blankly at the other side of the booth.

“Oscar…” my voice is barely above a whisper.

He looks at me and I no longer see love. Or, if it’s there, I don’t notice it.

“I still…” I draw in a deep breath. “I love you.”

He shakes his head as if he’s unable to form words. His falls into his hands and I know he’s not sure of what to do. “I need to go someplace and think, okay? I guess… we can talk about this tomorrow or something because I don’t think I can deal with this right now.”

I nod because there really isn’t anything else that I can do. I watch as he pushes himself out of the booth and walks toward the doors. He doesn’t turn around, say goodbye, or even offer a backwards glance. He simply leaves me there, alone.