Status: alive and well :)
Moth to Flame
paint a rosy picture for me
I don't know how long we're out there for, longer than a cigarette should take, I'm sure, but before I know it the air becomes a little colder and I realize Oscar is still in the hotel room waiting for me,
"You're staying here right?" I ask Gerard.
He nods, pointing up toward a room a few doors down from mine. "Believe it or not, I kind of live here," he says with a chuckle. His arms are folded and he's staring off into space, probably ashamed.
"How long?"
Gerard shrugs. "The days start to run together after such a long time of monotonous activity, you know? I spend hours lying in bed thinking about what life could have been, and then I spend more hours roaming this barren land of dirt and shitty motels thinking about the same fucking thing."
I'm not sure what to say. When nothing comes out, he looks to me and offers an apologetic smile. "Sorry. I don't mean to dump all of this on you, you know. It's just... the only person I've talked to in what feels like years is the manager here."
I shake my head, smiling back at him. "It's fine, really. I just wasn't sure of what to say to you. I want to make it better, you know, fix things for you, but I don't know how to do that."
"You can't fix people, Frank.," Gerard tells me, his voice taking on a serious tone.
"You don't know that," I respond. "I mean, Oscar fixed me. Who says I can't do the same for you."
Shaking his head, Gerard pushes himself off of the car. "He didn't fix you, Frank. You're the same person. Sure, you grew your hair out and you're not so much of a trouble maker. You graduated high school and you're dating this nice guy who does nice things for you and wants to have a nice life with you. However, when I look past that rosy picture you've painted for the world, I can see the same, scared, little boy reaching out for someone to save him."
"You're one to fucking talk, Gerard. Who says I want someone to save me?"
"You did. You told me yourself that you're unhappy. You said so yourself that you're not good enough."
And this is why I both loved and hated Gerard Way. Talking to him came easy, but words had a tendency to become harsh and unwanted. They spilled from our lips like vomit. While I wanted to bite them back the same way I did with Oscar, the task proved impossible. I saw his face and I said what was on my mind and I assume he did the same for me. It felt like a favor, but I'm sure it wasn't a favor either of us had asked for.
"You shouldn't be saying shit about me, you know," I tell him. "Sure, I paint a pretty picture for everyone, but I'm not the one that hanged myself with an extension cord. You copped out Gerard, and lets face it, you can't say shit to make it look any better."
His lips press together and the faint shimmer I'd seen in his eyes a while earlier vanishes in thin air. If I hadn't seen it earlier, I'd never even known it was there.
"You don't get it," he says.
"But I do, Gerard. I fucking found you hanging there. I know you were sad, but we're all fucking sad. You think I don't want to hang myself to sometimes? If I'd done what you did I would have been gone a long ass time ago."
He's about to say something when Oscar leans over the balcony and calls out my name. I look up and see Oscar who catches sight of Gerard. He tries on a smile that's just as genuine as any other and Gerard tries the same thing, but it doesn't work as well.
"Hey," Oscar says as he climbs down the stairs. "I never would have guessed we'd run into you here. Now I see why Frankie's been outside for so long. I was beginning to think he'd smoked the whole pack." He takes his place by side, effectively marking his territory and smiles back at Gerard.
"Yeah, um, I just ran into Frank here and I guess our conversation lasted longer than we thought."
I nod. "Sorry."
Oscar smiles and tells me not to worry about it, but I can see it in his eyes that he feels slightly uncomfortable. "So," he begins, looking back to Gerard. "You're staying here?"
"Yeah. A few doors down from you guys," he looks at me, then to Oscar. "I think I might get out of here soon and see where the road takes me, though. I've been here for a while and I want a change, you know?"
Oscar wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. "Yeah?" He says. "Well, Frank and I are leaving here tomorrow. You can come with us if you want."
Gerard rakes his fingers though his hair before looking to me for confirmation. When I nod in agreement he smiles, but only slightly. "Yeah. That would be cool. It beats hitching a ride with some guy I barely know."
Oscar laughs lightly to be polite and looks back up at the room. "I bet it would. Well, I think I'm going to go back up to the room. I'm a little tired; you coming, Frankie?"
"Yeah, I'll meet you up there. I just need to talk to Gerard about something real quick."
Oscar reluctantly allows his hand to drop from my waist, his fingers brushing against the exposed skin of my back. He says a goodnight to Gerard and starts up the stairs to the hotel room.
"I just want you to know that... I love Oscar, okay?" I say once the door to my hotel room closes.
Gerard furrows his brows. "What does that have to do with anything?"
I shake my head. "Nothing. I just... With you leaving with us tomorrow I wanted to put that out there. Whatever we had going on in high school... that's over now. You may think I'm the same person you knew a few years ago, but--- things are different. Things, and people, really do change."
Gerard smiles, walking forward and placing a hand on my shoulder. "I hear you," he says. "Loud and clear."
"You're staying here right?" I ask Gerard.
He nods, pointing up toward a room a few doors down from mine. "Believe it or not, I kind of live here," he says with a chuckle. His arms are folded and he's staring off into space, probably ashamed.
"How long?"
Gerard shrugs. "The days start to run together after such a long time of monotonous activity, you know? I spend hours lying in bed thinking about what life could have been, and then I spend more hours roaming this barren land of dirt and shitty motels thinking about the same fucking thing."
I'm not sure what to say. When nothing comes out, he looks to me and offers an apologetic smile. "Sorry. I don't mean to dump all of this on you, you know. It's just... the only person I've talked to in what feels like years is the manager here."
I shake my head, smiling back at him. "It's fine, really. I just wasn't sure of what to say to you. I want to make it better, you know, fix things for you, but I don't know how to do that."
"You can't fix people, Frank.," Gerard tells me, his voice taking on a serious tone.
"You don't know that," I respond. "I mean, Oscar fixed me. Who says I can't do the same for you."
Shaking his head, Gerard pushes himself off of the car. "He didn't fix you, Frank. You're the same person. Sure, you grew your hair out and you're not so much of a trouble maker. You graduated high school and you're dating this nice guy who does nice things for you and wants to have a nice life with you. However, when I look past that rosy picture you've painted for the world, I can see the same, scared, little boy reaching out for someone to save him."
"You're one to fucking talk, Gerard. Who says I want someone to save me?"
"You did. You told me yourself that you're unhappy. You said so yourself that you're not good enough."
And this is why I both loved and hated Gerard Way. Talking to him came easy, but words had a tendency to become harsh and unwanted. They spilled from our lips like vomit. While I wanted to bite them back the same way I did with Oscar, the task proved impossible. I saw his face and I said what was on my mind and I assume he did the same for me. It felt like a favor, but I'm sure it wasn't a favor either of us had asked for.
"You shouldn't be saying shit about me, you know," I tell him. "Sure, I paint a pretty picture for everyone, but I'm not the one that hanged myself with an extension cord. You copped out Gerard, and lets face it, you can't say shit to make it look any better."
His lips press together and the faint shimmer I'd seen in his eyes a while earlier vanishes in thin air. If I hadn't seen it earlier, I'd never even known it was there.
"You don't get it," he says.
"But I do, Gerard. I fucking found you hanging there. I know you were sad, but we're all fucking sad. You think I don't want to hang myself to sometimes? If I'd done what you did I would have been gone a long ass time ago."
He's about to say something when Oscar leans over the balcony and calls out my name. I look up and see Oscar who catches sight of Gerard. He tries on a smile that's just as genuine as any other and Gerard tries the same thing, but it doesn't work as well.
"Hey," Oscar says as he climbs down the stairs. "I never would have guessed we'd run into you here. Now I see why Frankie's been outside for so long. I was beginning to think he'd smoked the whole pack." He takes his place by side, effectively marking his territory and smiles back at Gerard.
"Yeah, um, I just ran into Frank here and I guess our conversation lasted longer than we thought."
I nod. "Sorry."
Oscar smiles and tells me not to worry about it, but I can see it in his eyes that he feels slightly uncomfortable. "So," he begins, looking back to Gerard. "You're staying here?"
"Yeah. A few doors down from you guys," he looks at me, then to Oscar. "I think I might get out of here soon and see where the road takes me, though. I've been here for a while and I want a change, you know?"
Oscar wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me closer. "Yeah?" He says. "Well, Frank and I are leaving here tomorrow. You can come with us if you want."
Gerard rakes his fingers though his hair before looking to me for confirmation. When I nod in agreement he smiles, but only slightly. "Yeah. That would be cool. It beats hitching a ride with some guy I barely know."
Oscar laughs lightly to be polite and looks back up at the room. "I bet it would. Well, I think I'm going to go back up to the room. I'm a little tired; you coming, Frankie?"
"Yeah, I'll meet you up there. I just need to talk to Gerard about something real quick."
Oscar reluctantly allows his hand to drop from my waist, his fingers brushing against the exposed skin of my back. He says a goodnight to Gerard and starts up the stairs to the hotel room.
"I just want you to know that... I love Oscar, okay?" I say once the door to my hotel room closes.
Gerard furrows his brows. "What does that have to do with anything?"
I shake my head. "Nothing. I just... With you leaving with us tomorrow I wanted to put that out there. Whatever we had going on in high school... that's over now. You may think I'm the same person you knew a few years ago, but--- things are different. Things, and people, really do change."
Gerard smiles, walking forward and placing a hand on my shoulder. "I hear you," he says. "Loud and clear."
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