Moth to Flame

“So, where are you guys going?” Gerard asked, stretching out in the backseat. He was wearing a pair of black aviators and his old leather jacket. I swear, it reminds me of high school.

“I’m not sure,” I tell him, staring straight ahead at the road. “We’re just driving.” I turn my head and smile toward Oscar who glances back at me and returns the gesture.

“Well isn’t that nice?” Gerard replies. “Two love birds exploring the world together.”

When I look back at him he isn’t looking at me or anything, really. He’s just lying there staring straight ahead at the ceiling. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He sits up slightly and lifts his glasses so they’re resting on the top of his head. “Nothing, really, Frankie. I’m just making conversation, you know?”

Maybe he’s referring to what I told him the night before. I feel stupid for even thinking, for a second, that Gerard would want to go back to the way things were in high school. Whatever it was that we had back then, I felt stupid for thinking he could possibly want that back.

“Yeah… Okay.” I lean forward and turn on the radio. The Smashing Pumpkins fills the silence and we sat there enjoying the music.

“So…” Oscar says a few songs later. “What have you been doing with your time, Gerard?” He glances back toward the backseat. I can see it in his eyes that he really wants to know.

“Not a whole lot, Oscar. Sorry to disappoint you.” Gerard sits up straight and runs a hand through his hair. His sunglasses fall, landing on the seat. “I’ve been hanging around mostly. I don’t even know how long I’ve been here to be honest.”

“Why did you leave home, then? I mean, if you didn’t know where you were going or what you would do… why leave?”

Oscar was so practical. Even though were roaming, just like Gerard, he had a plan. He knew what we were going to do. Oscar and I would find a place to live, maybe a small apartment somewhere in California, and we’d find jobs. I’d work in a record store and play shows in local bars and cafes, and Oscar would write. He’d work at a newspaper or something. We’d be happy and maybe, somewhere down the line, we’d have a family. It was all worked out. He was sure of it.

I, on the other hand… I wasn’t so sure. All of it was just so perfect and I couldn’t see it happening exactly the way Oscar had planned.

“I wanted change,” Gerard says. “I was tired of living back in Jersey, of hearing the whispers and feeling the stares. I didn’t want to be there anymore, so I left.”

I turn around and look at Gerard. I feel sad for him, like I should have done something. For once, words don’t come easy for me and I’m not sure if it’s because Oscar is there or because I really just don’t know what to tell him.

“What are you talking about?” Oscar asks. “Why would people stare at you or talk about you?”

Gerard looks at me with raised brows. “Frankie didn’t tell you?”

Now Oscar is looking at me. “No…” he says. “What didn’t you tell me, Frank?”

“It’s not my business to tell, Oscar. It’s Gerard’s,” I say. “I can’t believe you thought I would run around telling people that, Gerard. Do you really think that little of me?”

“I hanged myself, Oscar,” Gerard says, plainly. “I was sad and I couldn’t take it anymore. Frankie here found me and saved my life. Sometimes, I’m thankful and others… well, not so much.” He looks at me with serious eyes. “Either way, though… I love him for that.”

“I’m sorry,” Oscar says, and he means it.

I don’t know what to say, once again. Gerard is still looking at me like he meant every word that he said and I feel sorry because, well, I was such a dick to him the day before.

I meet his gaze and offered a small, sad, smile. “Yeah,” I tell him. “I’m sorry too.”

And, like Oscar, I meant it… just in a different way.