Moth to Flame

We drive three more days before taking a break and buying a hotel room in Colorado. Oscar and I are talking, but it isn’t the same as it usually is. We’re polite and we smile, but he doesn’t hold my hand the way he used to. He doesn’t kiss my hair and tell me he loves me. I can’t tell myself that everything is alright and almost believe it.

“I figure we can stay here a few days,” Oscar says, looking around the parking a lot. The place isn’t anything to be proud of, but it would do just fine for what we needed.

“Okay. Well, I’ll go get myself a room and leave you and Frankie to yourselves,” Gerard offers a smile as he starts walking toward the front office.

I begin to nod, but Oscar calls after Gerard before he can leave. “You can stay in our room if you want,” he says. “I mean… there are two beds and it would save you some money…”
Gerard furrows his brow. “Are you serious?”

I look to Oscar, shocked, then to Gerard. “I don’t mind,” I tell him, even though I kind of do. “It’s up to you.”

Gerard nods, a grateful smile on his lips. “Okay then. I don’t want to bother you guys or anything though… are you sure?”

“Yeah,”Oscar responds. “We’re all friends here.”

It’s then that I realize that things are worse than I had originally thought. Oscar was doing anything he could to avoid talking to me about anything that didn’t involve the weather or where we had to go next. It wasn’t that he was afraid to hold my hand or kiss my hair or tell me that everything was alright. He simply didn’t want to.

That night, while Oscar sleeps, I can’t. For a short while, I watch the steady rise and fall of his chest and wonder exactly where I had gone wrong. I can’t seem to figure out why I felt the need to ruin something that was so good. He loved me and I pushed him away without even realizing it. Or, perhaps I’d known what I was doing all along.

When I can’t take being in the hotel room any longer I pull on a pair of jeans and a jacket before grabbing my Newports and stepping outside on the balcony. The air feels nice against my skin and I don’t know why I hadn’t come out here sooner.

I’m almost done with my first cigarette when I hear the door to the room open. I turn around and see Gerard standing in front of me in his boxers and that old Metallica shirt he’d loved so much in high school.

“What are you doing out here?” He asks. “It’s almost three in the morning.”

I shrug. “I can’t sleep.”

Gerard doesn’t offer any advice on how I can fall asleep. Somehow, he knows I’m dead tired and I could actually shut my eyes and sleep like a baby if I really wanted to. Somehow, he knows this has nothing to do with sleep. Instead, he steps forward and leans against the balcony next to me.

“Oscar hates me,” I tell him.

“I don’t think he hates you,” Gerard says.

“Why do you think he asked you to room with us?” I ask. “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but the only reason he asked was because he didn’t want to be alone with me.”

Gerard nods. “I figured that, Frank. However, that doesn’t mean he hates you.”

I sigh, tossing my cigarette over the edge of the balcony. “Well, he doesn’t like me a whole lot right now. He’s… I don’t think he’s happy anymore.”

“Why do you think that is?”

When I look at Gerard I can’t help but to tell him everything. I hated that words came so easy between us. I hated that I could never have that was Oscar.

“Remember high school?” I ask him, looking out into the parking lot.

“Yeah.”

“Remember how happy we were? I could tell you anything and you would understand. Sometimes, I wouldn’t have to say a word and you would know exactly what I was thinking. We could laugh about anything, I could come to you with anything and I wouldn’t have to worry about being judged…” I pause, looking back at him, a sad smile on my face. “You were my best friend. And even after everything that has happened, after all of this time, none of that has changed.”

“What are you getting at, Frankie?”

I turn and glance through the window to our room and see that Oscar is still asleep, completely unaware of the conversation happening just outside that door.

“Oscar and I don’t have that, Gee,” I explain. “We never even came close.”