Glass

My mother taught me how to survive, but more importantly she taught me how to care. To care for myself, and to care for others.

Asher. He taught me how to love. I loved my mom sure, but that's a different kind of love. But Asher... He taught me how to be happy too; he was always happy. And I loved him for it. Even when we couldn't see the light in all the darkness surrounding us, he could still find something to be happy about. He was my light. I was pretty miserable before I met him. He always had a smile on his face. Seriously, it was like his face was just stuck that way or something.

It used to really bother me, but after I got to know him I realized that he just had this happiness inside him. And it was constantly trying to get out. And it got out plenty. He would laugh, and joke and sing (he voice wasn't amazing but it was better than mine), and dance. Oh man, he could not dance for anything.

He would have me laughing hysterically for hours on end from him dancing around the sidewalk, the park, the alleyway, a parking lot... anywhere. Anytime he felt like dancing he would. He said that his body just had to: "let all the bad out." Which never really made that much sense to me, but I never questioned it. I always just assumed he meant the heartache and pain of being kicked out of his home, abandon by his family and just simply forgotten. Not to mention all the pain of living out on your own, with no place to call home anymore. No place to call your own except a box in an alley, or a patch of nice grass in the park.

I guess Steven and Asher have that in common, not the happy thing, but the kicked-out-of-your-home thing. Though I never really knew why Asher got kicked out, he'd never talk about it any further than, "They just don't like me. I don't fit. It's like... I don't know, I just... I don't belong there. With them. I don't belong with them." He'd say, shaking his head sadly.

He never said more than that, like it was just that simple. He just simply didn't fit with his family. And I never felt that I was ever in the right place to ask anymore about it. I guess I just was waiting until he felt more comfortable about talking about it, until he felt that he could share more about it with me. But he never did.

I guess it doesn't really matter now though. I never knew his family. When I met him he had already been homeless for about a year. He kind of took me under his wing. Kind of like what I'm doing for Steven.

I like Steven. He's a good kid. Sharon likes him too.

I feel bad for him though. He hasn't been out here long, and you can tell that he misses home a lot. Misses his friends. According to him though he didn't have too many of those. I think he said he only had two close friends. While the rest were just people he knew from school. At least his parents waited until he graduated before they kicked him to the curb. Though I guess that could've only been because he waited until then to tell them that he was gay.

To believe that some people could just abandon their own child because of something like that. It's just... I can't even think of any words to describe it. Asher would be furious. He had always talked about a friend he used to have before the guy moved away. I think his name was... Jared? ...Or was it, Jason? I can't remember, something with a J...

Anyway, he'd talk about how he'd help the kid out sometimes at school. Stick up from him, help him stay away from the jerks that'd harass him all the time. Asher and Steven would get along fine. I think we'd all be great friends.

It's times like this when I really miss him. Especially since the anniversary of his death is coming up. I can't help but just get... heartbroken at this time of year. It's starting to get cold, which is always a dreadful thing when you live the kind of life that I do.

And today isn't really helping. I always try to not let it bother me, but I guess because of the time of year... The way that people look at me is really getting on my nerves. Like I'm the scum of the earth -- no wait, lower than that, worse than scum, whatever's worse than scum -- that's how they look at me.

A woman this morning was walking down the sidewalk with her son, he looked to be about four or five years old. And as they passed he asked his mom, "Mommy? Why is he so dirty looking?" And she replied, with this... this disgusted look on her face, like how dare I even glance at her son, her perfect son, while I looked the way I looked... She said, "Just ignore him baby, he's not well."

Like she knows anything about me.

~

"So, you ever have a girlfriend?" Steven asked. We were sitting on a bench in the park, watching people jogging by and playing with their dogs. Some having lunch at some of the picnic tables, some smiling while they had a leisurely walk through the park.

"You ever have a boyfriend?" That made him go silent for while, which give me enough time to realize how that question sounded and feel terrible for asking it. "I'm sorry, Steven. You don't have to tell me. It's none of my business so if you don't want to talk about it... It's okay. I understand."

He stayed quiet for a few more minutes, but then finally said in a whisper, "Yeah... Yes, I had a boyfriend."

I nodded. Waiting to see if he was going to continue, completely content if he didn't. Like, I said, it really wasn't any of my business.

"We... We, uh, we weren't together for very long. Only about a month, maybe less." He swallowed, the muscles in his jaw flexing as he clinched his teeth. "He wasn't a real nice guy. He was an ass, is what he was." He paused again, with a look on his face that I couldn't read so I just sat there, kinda wanting to put my hand on his shoulder, but thinking maybe he wouldn't want me to.

And then all of a sudden he smiled. Catching me off guard as he snorted and shook his head like he was shaking it at how ridiculous his thoughts were. "He was great in bed though." he laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

And when I couldn't hold it in any longer I joined him. I didn't really know what we were laughing at, but I didn't really care either. I hadn't laughed like that, really laughed... in way too long. It felt good to let it all out for a few moments. When we finally got it under control, he smiled at me and said, "So?"

I blinked at him, "So-wha?" I asked still trying to catch my breath, noticing that we were getting some funny looks as I tugged on my overly-large coat.

To which he rolled his eyes at and said, "Did ya' have a girlfriend, or not?"

"Oh. Yeah," I sighed. "Yeah for few months. We, uh, well she moved away."

"When?"

"A few years back. I was working--"

"You had a job? Where?" He turned so he was facing me instead of the little boy he was watching play fetch with his Golden Retriever. He was all wide-eyed and so, so innocent looking. It reminded me how young he was in this world, making my chest hurt like an elephant's been sitting on it for years, decades maybe.

"At a restaurant." I squeezed out. "I was a busboy. I was just about to start training to become a waiter when I got fired."

"Why? What happened?" He asked like this was the most exciting story ever.

I shrugged. "I don't really know. My boss just said to not come in for my next shift. That I wasn't needed."

"Wow. Well, that sucks." He pouted. He actually pouted.

"Yeah.." I didn't really want to go any further about my ex and I was extremely happy when he didn't ask anymore questions about her. I guess you could say that I'm still heartbroken over what happened. Especially because I never really got the whole story as to why we broke up.

It was the not knowing that was killing me the most. Not knowing what I did wrong, if I even did do anything wrong. Just not knowing. That'll eat you up inside if you let it.

"So did you meet this girl after you met Asher?"

"Yeah... Yeah I did. I probably would have never had the guts to ask her out if I hadn't known Asher."

Steven laughed, "Really? He the kind of guy to try to give you pointers about how to ask her out and what to say, and how to woe her so that she'd be eating out of the palm of your hand?"

Now it was my turn to laugh, "I don't know about the eating-out-of-the-palm-of-your-hand-thing, but yeah, yeah I guess that's him. And by the way, I think you mean woo, not woe. Woe means grief or distress."

He nodded his head laugh and we stopped talking after that, and left the park and kept walking trying to find something for us to eat. We had stopped earlier in the park and filled up on water from the public water fountain. But you start to get dirty looks if you're practically bathing yourself in the public water fountain. Plus we needed something more substantial than just water.

~

There are some days when I'm not sure staying with Steven is for the best. Like today. He just seems to be more depressed and just... saddened today. Some days are better than others of course. I don't know, maybe today it's bothering me more because the anniversary's coming up. It'll be in here in few months. And I am absolutely dreading it. As well as the summer weather.

Summers are always hard for people like us. Christmas time too. We get to watch everyone drive and walk around with family and friends laughing and having a good time together.

People sun-bathing on the sand. Shopping for Christmas gifts. People smiling and just being, extra happy I guess is what reminds us that we don't have that.

I mean, yeah sure I smile, and I still do sometimes. But it's different when you know you don't have a place to live. Or a family to fall back on. Or a friend to help you out in your rough patch in your life.

This isn't a rough patch for us. This is our lives. This is my life.

I sleep on box covered in some newspaper. Or secret hidden spots in the park that we have to keep finding and make sure we don't use one for too long so we don't get caught. To have anything to eat is like going on a scavenger hunt. I mean, people call us scavengers for a reason.

There are a few things that are good about living in the city though, like the fact that a lot of restaurants and supermarkets throw away perfectly good food. Like apples that have a little bruise on them, costumers won't buy them so the markets have to throw them away.

I've been thinking about visiting the Home for a few days. I feel like Steven needs it more than I do. I know we can't stay there for too long because it fills up so fast and unless you're dying, or like really really sick they ask you to leave so they have room for people who have it a lot worse than us.

But I think we need some time to relax a little more, not that the Home (or Safe Haven, as they like to call it) is the safest place in the world but you at least have a few people looking out for you. And you know you're going get some kind a meal three times a day and you can have all the water you want. Yeah, I think we started heading that way tomorrow. Maybe that'll cheer Steven up some.