Detention With Severus Snape

September 1, 1998
Ultimately my final and seventh year at Hogwarts is here! Horrah! I thought I would do a “lil” cataloguing as it is my final and last chance yano...well, a little about myself I hear? I’m a Ravenclaw...I know, I know, we have it pretty tough you know. We have to live up to the high grades and snooty little cover-act expectations, when I got an acceptable on my charms essay, I nearly got FRAPED in the Ravenclaw common room...no jokes; anyways I’m of a medium height and have to masturbate every night...I was joking coking, gosh. I’m a little crazy, I would blame my dad for that...speaking of craziness, want to hear a little crazy task I ever so regretfully accepted on the train to Hogwarts today.
Allow me to explain.
Ever since Harry Potter defeated You-Know-Who things have been a little...abstinent. This certain topic came up in a rather intriguing conversation upon the ride to Hogwarts today and we were trying to think of ways of which to liven things up in an obnoxious way this year-you know cut loose for our last year of school. And before I proceed further, I might make one fact rather abstinently clear, I am the only non-Slytherin student in the whole school who doesn’t hate Professor Snape. In fact I have a bit of a crush on him. A bit abnormal...Yes I know...But it turned out to be rather useful for this plan of ours, as I’m the only one who could possibly bear to carry it out.
Well, I was having a chit-chat with Luna Lovegood and Ginny Weasly, and we’ve all agreed on the fact that this year needs to be SHABOOZA amazing, something that will give us a little giggle. It was my very own braniacs that mentioned The Professor of the Snape to be involved.
“Because you fancy him” Ginny muttered, wrinkling her nose in the process. What, it’s only a little. It isn’t like I’m knock-dead hungry for the guy...which I pointed out quiet roughly.
“I wonder what it would be like if someone was in love with him...” Luna hummed in her airy voice, gazing out of the window. There was a deafening silence, and I knew what would come next.
“Hey...you already fancy him a bit, right?” Ginny said thoughtfully. “It would be quiet funny if you pretended you were madly in love with him!”
“Err...I’d rather not” I answered; memorizing the many ways I could be tortured and killed.
“I dare you! We can make up a load of tasks – like stages and we could write love letters! And you have to make sure he knows you love him...Or thinks’ you do, rather”.
"The whole school would know..." Luna sighed.
“Yes! The whole school and you have to pull of every task we give you by the end of the year, and...and...” She threw her face into concentration, screwing up her eyebrows.
“Kiss him!” I could kill you, Luna.
“Yeah, nice one! By the last day of lessons, you have to get him to kiss you. Voluntarily...” I stared between the two bewildered.
"You're kidding me, right?" She shook her head. "And what do I get out of it?"
"Ten galleons, twelve sickles, and twenty-one knuts" Luna replied, finally looking at me with those big round eyes of hers.
"It's not nearly enough."
"The satisfaction of knowing you did something worthwhile and hilarious in your last year at Hogwarts," Ginny added. "You'll be a legend!" Well, I have to admit, it did sound rather appealing... And if I succeeded, I would get a kiss from Severus Snape, who I happen to find very attractive.
"If you can pull it off," Luna added nonchalantly. That was the last straw; I won't let anyone think there's something I simply can't do.
"Fine," I said, crossing my arms. "But I had better get every last knut you promised... When I pull it off." Ginny clapped her hands excitedly.
"Great!" she exclaimed. "This will be hilarious!" Well, I couldn't help but agree. However, something needed to be addressed...
"When and what is my first... er... 'task?'" I asked. I was apprehensive, but it turned out not to be that bad.
"Love letters." Task one was contributed by Luna. "Anonymous ones. Don't let the secret out too soon." Definitely a good idea.
"Write the first one tonight," Ginny added. "Say that you couldn't stand to spend the summer holidays apart from him." She grinned wickedly, while Luna smiled with an almost oblivious look on her face.
So, of course, I drew inspiration from the way he looked at the start of term banquet; miserable. I decided to try and write something eloquent and romantic, but also painful; the pain of unrequited love. Also, it had to be full of passion, and it had to be something that he wouldn't immediately dismiss. This is what I wrote;
Dearest Severus,
I cannot begin to express the feelings I have stirring inside me upon this miserable bit of parchment. At first I was unsure of what these strange emotions were; I could not put a name to this wonderful burning, this fire within the depths of my soul. However, I soon realized what had been giving me so many restless nights. Severus Snape, it appears as though I am in love with you. I am madly in love with you. Every moment of my life, my mind is consumed by thoughts of you. Your low, silky voice invades my every being, like poison seeping into my veins; but oh, how I want to be poisoned! Every time I look into your beautiful, dark, piercing eyes I feel as if I have died and been born anew.
The memories of your soft, dangerous touch were all that sustained me through the summer. Every day I felt an aching in my body, a piece missing, because I could not be with you. Each night I was haunted by dreams of your graceful hands upon my skin, and your hot breath cascading over my neck, only to awaken to an empty bed, to be left hungry for your touch.
To be near you again is to have life breathed back into my body. Alas, I know that you would never- could never- even want me, let alone love me. My desire is left unfulfilled, and though I know our fates are not entwined, I could not keep my love a secret any longer. I need you to know how empty my life would be without you. It is my deepest regret that I am too cowardly to reveal my true identity to you just yet; not to worry. I will make myself known to you, eventually. Perhaps, somehow, you could learn to stand my presence, and I could know the joy of your company.
I love you forever,
So please forgive me
Of course, I knew that when he received the letter, Snape would compare it to every sample of handwriting he could find, so I had to disguise mine. With a simple charm, I changed it from my normal rounded, messy scrawl to an elegant, flowing style, with elongated stems on the letters... It looked quite nice, and very natural. Of course, another, more complicated charm had to be cast so that he couldn't use any spells to reveal the fact that the handwriting was disguised.
When I showed it to Luna, she nodded slowly, looking it over. "It's good," she said simply, handing it back and returning to her usual light slumber. I decided to copy it so I could show the copy to Ginny the next morning, though not at breakfast, since that is when I'm planning on having it delivered to him. I'll get up early, and give it to Luna's owl, which is, surprisingly enough, a very nondescript brown barn owl. In the meantime, all I have to do is place a few untraceable charms on both copies of the letter, and then it'll be time for bed.