Detention With Severus Snape

* ~ January 18 ~ *

It's been a while, I know, but we had another breaking period in the SSS tasks. Mostly because we had taken upon ourselves the momentous task of setting up Professor Lupin with Draco. Colin, of course, refused to be involved in any way. "It's gross!" was his main point of argument. Ginny and Luna, however, agreed to help me quite readily.

"He may be a git," Ginny said of Draco, "but at least he's sexy." And so, we were off like bandits with fine china. First, we had to wait for Draco's reply.

We didn't have to wait very long. It was two days later when an eagle owl came flying in with the morning post, dropping an envelope before me. Of course, Draco had to be all fancy and write in green ink, as always, so I knew right away that it was from him. It stated that he would agree to the date, but only if it was someone decent and not a crazed imbecile (such as Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, or any Gryffindor in general.) I scribbled quickly that the man in question was a responsible, intelligent adult who also happened to be a tiger in the sack. I figured that would get him to agree to meet me in Hogsmeade, and I was right.

Next step: talk to Professor Lupin. That wasn't too difficult, since all I had to do was stay after class. (By the way, I got full marks on that essay... Once I handed it in.) "Operation: Lay Lupin is a go, sir," I informed him. I just like talking like that.

"...Operation what?"

"That's not important. What's important is that you meet Draco at Sorella's on Burro street, noon sharp. This is imperative!" So I was exaggerating a little... It's fun to pretend that everyday tasks are really top secret operations. Really. It's perfectly normal. Besides, this was a very important operation. This was life or death, hot gay sex or celibacy, here!

"Er... Alright. If you insist."

"Do you know where that is?"

"Yes."

"Excellent!" Professor Lupin jumped a bit, apparently startled. "Let's move out!"

"What?"

"GO GO GO!" And then I began to scamper off, giggling madly. However, Professor Snape suddenly obstructed the doorway, looking his normal sour self. When he saw me hurtling towards him, he spread his legs and braced himself. "DIVE DIVE DIVE!" I dove between his legs, then pushed myself to my feet and ran away, still giggling madly. I could hear Professor Snape behind me as I went, asking Lupin if he'd given me any sort of illegal substance.

Then, the exciting day came. The day of the date. I went into Hogsmeade at seven with Colin, giving Ginny and Luna express instructions on where and when to meet me. Then, I had my own little date with Colin. Which, basically, was going to the normal spots for students to go to, followed by me dragging him to adult bookstores and sex shops. What can I say? I'm of age, and I have very broad tastes. After expanding my collection quite a bit, I carried him off to be snogged senseless. With handcuffs on. You know, I think he liked it.

However, all good things must come to an end, and so I packed away my handcuffs, left my packages and a kiss on the cheek with Colin, and ran off to meet Draco. I waited on the side street where I'd told Draco to meet me, tapping my foot impatiently. If he didn't hurry, he was going to be late. Then, I spied him walking towards me, feeling quite happy that he had finally arrived.

Oh, no. He'd spotted the new Quidditch supply store. Don't stop, don't stop... He stopped. Sighing, I took a deep breath and... "IT'S DRACO LUSCIOUS MALFOY!" People stopped and stared at me. "YOOHOO! IT'S MY LITTLE YUM-YUM!" Turning an angry shade of red, Draco ducked through the crowd, grabbed me tightly by my arm, and pulled me into a darkened alleyway.

"Don't you ever call me that in public again!" he snarled indignantly.

"Nice to see you, too."

"Yes," he sniffed. "Very nice indeed." I punched him playfully in the arm and he winced.

"You're such a girl," I sighed, brushing the grime from the alley off myself as I stepped back out into the light of day.

"I am NOT a girl! How many times do I have to defend myself from that accusation! Isn't my manly charm obvious?" I eyed him.

"No, not really. But don't worry, the man you're meeting won't mind a lack of masculinity." He grumbled something incoherent.

"...And it had better not be Snape." I laughed menacingly.

"Perhaps it is." He paused.

"You had better be lying."

"I am," I admitted. "Come on, you're going to be late!" I grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him down the street, heading for that cosy little restaurant I'd told Professor Lupin to wait at.

"Who is it? Not a student, is it?"

"It's Dumbledore," I replied, stopping outside the restaurant and peering through the window. Professor Lupin was waiting patiently at a table in the corner, playing with the silverware and looking quite bored.

"I'm not going in there until you tell me who I'm supposed to be meeting." He sounded like he was bleeding from the cunt.

"Alright. Brace yourself, Bridget." He waited. "Remus Lupin." His mouth fell open.

"No! You did not set me up with a Gryffindor!"

"I did."

"He's a werewolf, too, you know!"

"I know. But he's sexy." Draco looked ready to make another point for his case, then stopped, apparently considering my last argument.

"...Alright. You've convinced me. I'll go." I grinned widely. "But if he turns out to have some part of him or habit or something that isn't sexy, then I'm leaving." He eyed Professor Lupin through the window, apparently assessing him. "...Wish me luck."

"Good luck, Rainbow Brite."

"...I will not dignify that comment with an answer." He walked towards the door, then paused. "Butch cunt eater." Then he entered the restaurant. As I watched him saunter up to Professor Lupin and hold out his hand in greeting, I could just imagine him introducing himself as "Draco Malfoy, sex bomb extraordinaire." Mostly because he probably was. That pink tinge on Lupin's cheeks spoke volumes.

Throughout the rest of the dinner, they apparently just chatted with each other. They seemed to be getting along rather well, actually. I was so involved in spying on the happy couple that I didn't notice Professor Snape walk up behind me. "...Miss Page?" I ignored him. "I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... What are you doing?"

"Sh!" I insisted, trying to shoo him away. "Shove off!" I could practically hear him scowling at me.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"

"Oh? Oh yeah? Well- ten points from you!"

"...Pardon?"

"Hah! That's right! IN YOUR FACE!" He blinked slowly.

"Miss Page... Are you aware that you are making absolutely no sense whatsoever?"

"SHUT UP!" I squealed, catching a glimpse of Draco and Professor Lupin leaving their table.

"How dare you-"

"Quick, hide!" I hissed, ducking under the window.

"What?"

"They're coming! Go! In the bushes!" I pushed him into the bushes and dove in after him... Which, in hindsight, probably wasn't a very good idea.

"What do you think you're doing?" he growled. I shushed him.

"Shh!" See? It was lucky that I did, because it was then that Draco and Professor Lupin walked outside, chatting amiably. They strolled away, apparently hitting it off. "Yesss!" I hissed to myself, before leaping out of the bushes and stealthily stalking after them. Professor Snape followed me, though acting much less spy-ish. While I was crouched down, darting back and forth between shadows like a proper nosy matchmaker, he was merely walking along behind me, looking mildly amused, yet irritated.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm being spy-like," I replied in a whisper. "You should be able to tell!"

"...Right." I decided that some theme music was in order. So, as I crept along the cheerful, sunlit avenue I quietly hummed my stealthy spy theme. Professor Snape made no comment. I trailed the couple in question all the way to... (danana!) the book store! I paused outside, peering at them through the glass. Draco had made his way to my favorite section (gay erotica, woohoo) and was showing Professor Lupin one of my favorite books. He seemed much less embarrassed than he is when I do that! "This is sick," Snape grumbled from behind me.

"Why are you still here?" I asked. "Do you have a reason for following me?"

"I thought you needed monitoring. Seeing as you're so unstable." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not unstable, I'm making matches!" He raised his eyebrows.

"You're... What?"

"I'm setting up Draco and Professor Lupin. Now, be quiet and help me monitor their progress, or be on your way!"

"This is sick," he muttered, backing away. "Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"Ten points from Professor Snape," I replied sarcastically as he walked away.

"Hey, Nadia!" It was Ginny and Luna. Finally!

"Where were you guys?"

"Following you," Luna said airily.

"We thought we'd keep our distance until Professor Snape left," Ginny clarified.

"Right," I answered, watching Professor Lupin and Draco sit down in the café for some caffeinated beverages. That reminds me of the summer I tried to quit drinking soda, and ended up replacing it with coffee. Not the most healthy replacement, I'll say. Anyway...

"Malfoy's making a move!" Ginny hissed. I snapped to attention in time to see Draco nudge his hand forward and place it over Professor Lupin's, batting his eyes.

"Aw! Come on, go for it..."

"I didn't actually think it would work," Luna muttered, sounding surprised.

"They're so sexy together, though!"

"It looks like they're going to kiss!" Ginny exclaimed. They were indeed leaning towards each other... Just a little further and... And... And Draco was pulling away. Then they were standing up.

"Dammit! Hide!" We ducked into the shadows and waited for them to exit the bookstore. "What the hell is he doing!" I hissed, a split second before deciding to ask him myself. So, as I watched him follow Professor Lupin out of the bookstore, I picked up a large pebble (at least, that's what I'd call it) and threw it at him.

"FUCKER!" Oops. I'd sort of... Knocked him over.

"Merlin, Nadia, why'd you throw that huge rock at him?" Ginny scolded.

"It was a pebble!" I protested, watching Professor Lupin help Draco up and ask him if he was alright.

"It was a gigantic chunk of hardened sediment!" I rolled my eyes.

"It really wasn't that big."

"Nadia, when you need to use two hands to pick it up, it really is that big!" Puh. She exaggerates too much. I would have made more of a stand for my case, but Draco had just excused himself from Professor Lupin's company and was heading for us. He ducked around the corner and into the shadows where we were skulking, limping slightly and clutching his side.

"Christ, Draco, what happened to you?" I asked. He glared at me.

"You clubbed me with a rock!"

"It was a pebble! And keep your voice down."

"It wasn't even a rock! It was a small boulder, for Merlin's sake! I think you fractured a rib!" Augh, I hate it when he gets whiny.

"Don't be such a wimp," I grumbled, poking the spot the rock had hit.

"YOW!"

"'Yow?' What are you, a cartoon?" I fixed his hair for him and started brushing the dirt off his robes. "And if you go tripping over yourself all the time you'll never make a good impression." His mouth dropped open and for a moment he just stared at me.

"Were you even watching what was going on there? I fell over because you threw a boulder at me!" I rolled my eyes.

"Don't be such a drama queen. Ginny, do you have any lotion or something?" Ginny fished in her bag for a moment before handing over some moisturizer.

"Drama queen? At least I'm not... Not... Grenda, Queen of Ultimate Pain!"

"Grenda? Pff." I moisturized him.

"You always injure me, in some way or another, every time I see you! I should have known I'd end the day with a trip to the hospital!"

"I never injure you," I argued.

"What about that time you punched him in the face?" Luna interjected. I groaned.

"That was an accident!"

"No it wasn't!" Draco protested,

"Yes it was." I finished moisturizing him and gave the tube back to Ginny. "There. You're all set, now go back out there and score! Do it for me."

"That's... Extremely creepy. I'd really rather not think about it." With a long suffering sigh, he turned to go. "And try not to hurt anyone. Except maybe yourself."

Alright, I think it's about time that the punching Draco in the face story was told. See, I was talking to Blaise, and he insinuated that I was completely helpless, and then I got angry at him... Well. Let's start over. SQUIGGLY FLASHBACK LINES!