Detention With Severus Snape

* ~ February 14 ~ *

Today was a blast. I spent the past few days preparing for this momentous task. I wrote a love letter from the secret admirer, for starters. I had Valentines up the wazoo, candy, little singing teddy bears, edible underwear, penis jewelry- the works. I was clean, dressed, and looking good (for me.) All I had to do was say those three magic words: Be my Valentine. I was getting myself ready on the way down to breakfast when I remembered that Colin had a surprise for me. Oh no. Well, that would have to wait for later.

Entering the Great Hall, I didn't even break my stride. I marched right up to the high table and positioned myself in front of Professor Snape, hands on my hips. Slowly, he looked up from today's copy of the Daily Prophet and grimaced. I took that as my cue and fished out a Valentine from my bag that happened to be in the shape of a heart with a knife through it. And when I say heart, I mean an actual human heart. I thought he would appreciate it. "Be my Valentine!" I pronounced loudly, slapping the stabbed heart on the table in front of him. A strange hush came over the room, and the only audible sound was that of Professor Lupin choking on his pumpkin juice.

Without a word, Professor Snape jerkily stood up and headed for the exit. I, of course, being the devoted Valentine that I am, followed him. "Get away from me," he hissed when he noticed I was on his tail.

"Never. You will be my Valentine." With a growl, he whirled around, apparently fixing to give me a beating, when he noticed that everyone was staring at him. And froze. Aww, stage fright. So, I turned around and glared at all the staring people. "What the hell are you staring at!" I shot at them. "I know what you're thinking! Don't any of you sex starved maniacs touch him! He's my man, you hear me!" And then, the perfect touch, I reached back and grabbed his crotch. "This is my property!" The entire school was staring at me incredulously, except for Dumbledore, of course. He was too busy polishing his spectacles to notice. "Come on, bitch," I growled, grabbing Snape by the belt. "You need a proper spanking." And then I practically dragged him out of the room, hoping he'd be shocked long enough for me to get a good grope in. He was.

"Let go of me!" he insisted, suddenly getting his wits back, probably when he realized that I was planning to drag him up to my dorm.

"You're my Valentine," I informed him. "I'm not taking no for an answer. Now, accept this token of affection-" I handed him a penis ring- "and meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight."

"What! How dare you-"

"SILENCE! I COMMAND YOU!" Then, with a dramatic hand gesture, I was off. I managed to run into Colin on my way back to the Great Hall, and for some reason he seemed a bit upset.

"I thought I was going to be your Valentine!" he proclaimed.

"And why would you think a thing like that?" I asked, doing my best impression of a very bewildered young woman.

"Because we're dating!" I blinked.

"Oh. Imagine that. I hadn't really noticed."

"Nadia- stop it! Listen, will you meet me in the Astronomy Tower tonight? Half past eleven?" I let out a long-suffering sigh.

"If you insist." At which he gave me a dirty look. "Oh, you know I'm just kidding. Anyway, I'm going to grab a quick breakfast. I'll see you in class." I gave him a kiss and a quick pat on the bum before hurrying away.

After breakfast, I was on my way to Arithmancy when I spotted Professor Snape walking down the corridor in the opposite direction. We were passing each other when, growling, his eyes slid towards me. That was my cue. Making a face one would make at a cute little puppy, I silently mouthed, "I love you," and traced a heart in the air with my fingers. He turned red and increased his velocity.

Arithmancy was hell. Colin sang "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" to me, or whatever the real name of that song is. And... Gave me flowers. It was... Ear splitting. The flowers were nice, though. It's just that... Colin should be banned from using his voice in any sort of musical endeavor. EVER. "That was disgusting," I informed him when he took his seat next to me. "But thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied. Then we held hands and stuff. Aww. After that was Transfiguration. Booorrring. Then there was lunch. During which I sent Professor Snape tons of little Valentines and love notes. Along with some candy and that singing teddy bear. Mwahaha. For some reason, though, he seemed extremely angry the whole time and left early. I wonder why? After that was Charms class. More bore.

After class, I went for a walk with Colin around the lake and snogged him senseless. Then I gave him a spanking. It was a lot of fun. When we got back we spent some time in the library, laughing at the outdated puberty books that were kept in the back. Then it was time for dinner.

I was very disappointed to see that Professor Snape hadn't shown up. Damn! And I was going to give him the edible knickers, too! Oh well, I thought. I'd just have to find him in the dungeons and give them to him. I also took the time to notice that Professor Lupin was absent from the staff table, as well. Hm. Dinner date with Draco?

After dinner I went down into the dungeons to bestow Professor Snape with my gift. It didn't take long to find him at all; he was walking down the corridor with his wand out. "Er... Professor? What are you doing?" He turned around and sneered at me.

"I have a boggart to banish. I'd prefer not to be bothered." He then swept into a darkened classroom. I swept in after him, of course.

"I have something for you." I gave the murderous looking Professor Snape the edible underwear. He took one look at them and started seething.

"Get out! NOW!"

"Pff. Fine." So, I walked out. But, I hadn't gone far when I heard Professor Snape shouting again. With a sigh I went back to the classroom. It sounded... Well... Sort of like he was... Being hugged. "Professor?"

"ARRGH!"

"Should I get some help?"

"ARRGH!"

"Alright, I'll take that as a yes." I knew precisely who to get: Professor Lupin! So, I ran at top speed (or, you know, walked casually) up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts wing. I know from several of my stalker classmates where the entrance to his living quarters are, so it didn't take long to find it.

I was just about to knock on Professor Lupin's door when... It started shaking. And, wonder of wonders, there was a rhythmic banging from the other side. I had an idea of what was going on, but I didn't know for sure until I heard the voices. "Oh, fuck! Yes, fuck me!" Oh my me. That was Professor Lupin's voice. I'd never heard him curse like that before!

"That's right!" Draco's voice. "Who's the Professor now!"

"You are! You are! Fuck yes! Harder, harder, don't stop!"

"Oh, yeah! I'll fuck you through the door!" I leaned against the wall next to the door, waiting for them to calm down. In the meantime, I just listened to their moans and dirty talk. Whoo, Professor Lupin's such an animal! But then, I should expect as much from a werewolf, I suppose. Eventually, the banging got faster, and there was a lot of screaming and cursing from both sides, then sated silence. I listened to the heavy breathing on the other side for a bit, then knocked gently on the door.

"Are you two done or do I have to wait for the cuddling to commence?" There was a moment's pause before the door swung open, revealing Draco and Lupin, both shirtless and very disheveled. Growl! Now that is hot! "Hey, lovebirds."

"You pervert," Draco sighed. "You were listening, weren't you?"

"'I'll fuck you through the door?'" I enquired as my response.

"Hmph, I should have known. I'm rubbing off on you." I grinned.

"Errr..." Professor Lupin seemed rather uncomfortable. "Is there... A problem?"

"OH! That reminds me! Professor Snape wants you." He blinked, looking puzzled.

"What for?" I winked.

"Oh, please," Draco scoffed, rolling his eyes. "Has Snape ever even been with a man?"

"Yes," Lupin said. We both stared at him. "...Forget I said that." I giggled.

"How many?" I asked excitedly.

"Oh, just one."

"Shucks." I snapped my fingers. "Anyway, he's having some trouble with a rogue boggart. By what I could glean from the shouting, I'd say it's probably hugging him."

"How can you tell?" Draco yawned.

"Because that's how he sounds when I hug him." With a long suffering sigh, Professor Lupin disappeared from sight and returned fully clothed. Poo.

"I suppose I can't leave him in the deadly grip of a boggart. You're welcome to have some tea." Tea! Horay! After giving Draco a little kiss (aww!) he hurried off to save Professor Snape from his worst nightmare.

"I think that man has a tea fetish," Draco muttered, inviting me in.

"How are things going outside the bedroom?" I asked, taking a seat at the table.

"They're alright. He's good boyfriend material."

"I know!"

"Too bad I don't want a boyfriend right now." NO.

"What?"

"I'd really prefer a fuck buddy, you know? Friends with benefits."

"You're a snake." SNAAAAAKE!

"And proud of it." See you in hell, Liquid.

"Pass a biscuit?" I asked.

"...You're not bothered?" Draco gave me a calculating look as he handed the biscuits over.

"As long as Professor Lupin isn't."

"..."

"You did tell him, didn't you?"

"...Not quite."

"You... You... Cock eating drama queen!"

"Hey! I'm not a drama queen! And I was planning on bringing it up, I just... Don't know how to." I rolled my eyes.

"Just say 'I'm only using you for your body.' That one always goes over well."

"Shut up," he growled, gulping down his tea. "You wouldn't know tact if it was eating you out." I shrugged.

"True."

"And I will tell Remus."

"Sure you will." He let out a frustrated sigh.

"You have no faith in me whatsoever."

"Oh, Draco. You know me so well." We conversed for a bit longer before Professor Lupin came back, looking just a bit disturbed.

"That was the strangest boggart I've ever seen," he commented, pouring himself some tea. "And I've seen a lot of boggarts."

"What was it?" He gave me a strange look, as if he was thinking of some sort of inside joke.

"I can't tell you. It's invasion of privacy."

"Oh, invasion of privacy! Call in the cavalry! Seriously. Tell me."

"I just can't."

"Nobody ever tells me anything," I groused.

"That may be so," Draco replied, "but it's only because nobody likes you."

"Well, I'd say the same, but obviously one person likes you, or I wouldn't have gotten my daily dose of soft core porn earlier."

"Er..." Professor Lupin seemed uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was heading in.

"I have to go anyway," I sighed. "I should probably clean up and get some homework done before I dominate Colin. See you later."

"Manhandler," Draco muttered. Professor Lupin seemed to have swallowed his tongue.

I did exactly what I said I would: I cleaned up and did homework. By the time eleven thirty had rolled around I was half asleep, and only woke up because Luna was statutory raping her little Hufflepuff boy slave in the next bed. He looks fourteen, but she swears he's sixteen. I think she's lying.

Anyway... I crawled out of bed, fixed my hair, and sped off to the Astronomy Tower. It's a good place for a snog session, because all up the spiral staircase there are little observatory rooms. That way, you don't have to go out into the cold to get a little boo-tay. So, I found Colin waiting for me on the staircase, we went into a room, watched the stars... You know, that sort of stuff. Then, you know, we necked and petted a little. Or a lot.

It wasn't exactly what one would call romantic. My shirt was half- open and Colin was putting his hands up my skirt. Or, at least, trying to. "Colin... Eurgh, no... Like this... Yes... Ah! Cold hands!" And then the door opened.

"Miss Page! ...Mr. Creevey!" Oh. God. No. Professor Snape. In the doorway. Looking... Extremely put off.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHGGGG!" I yanked my shirt closed and tried to hide behind Colin. Professor Snape flinched, grimacing. "PERVERT! OUT! GET OUT!" I threw my shoe at him, and he happily obliged, slamming the door behind him.

I glanced at Colin to see him standing rigid, his mouth still hanging open in horror. Leaving him to his own devices, I quickly fixed myself up, so to say (a.k.a. got properly dressed) and hurried out of the room. Professor Snape was there, waiting to take off points and give Colin and me detentions. "Miss Page," he said tersely, that muscle in his jaw twitching again. I remained silent. I was embarrassed and angry, and I wasn't about to say anything that would get me any further into trouble. "I would have expected more of a school prefect." He looked very angry. "Fifty points from both Ravenclaw and Gryffindor. I expect to see you in detention every night, after dinner, starting next week. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I replied. "Perhaps we could go over the concept of knocking before entering a room?"

"Another ten points from Ravenclaw."

"You have realized, Professor, that at this point it doesn't really make a difference... Haven't you?"

"And another ten for your attitude." I shrugged. "And I'd better not go through an experience like this again."

"I don't plan to make it a habit."

"Good." He stood silently for a while, his hands clasped behind his back as he completely avoided looking me in the face.

"So... Are you free Saturday night?" He started, then adopted a suspicious expression.

"...What?"

"Because I know this great restaurant over in Hogsmeade-"

"Miss Page," he snapped, "despite whatever your own twisted fantasies have led you to believe, I do not go on... romantic outings... with students."

"I never said it was a date." Silence. "Alright, so I was asking for a date. You can't blame me for trying, Sweet-cheeks."

"I most certainly can!"

"Well, you are my Valentine."

"...I don't have time for such foolishness." With that, he swept off to apprehend more unsuspecting couples.

"...Nadia?" Colin emerged from the room. "Did you just ask Snape out?"

"I was joking." Honestly. He's so jealous.

"We're dating! You can't just go around asking people out!" I rolled my eyes.

"I so can." His mouth dropped open. "I was kidding! Come on, Colin- he's a teacher!"

"That just makes it worse." I glared at him a moment, then cuffed him round the head.

"Honestly. Grow up." Then I walked away. Really, though. Jealous of Professor Snape! Puh! It's not as if I like him more than Colin!

...I don't.

Really.

Alright, maybe a little. But just a tiny bit.