Detention With Severus Snape

* ~ March 2 ~ *

Another month gone by, already. Whoo, time really does fly when you're giving Professor Snape health advice. I made him an exercise calendar and a two-week meal plan in my spare time (since I have no life) and decided to surprise him with it before breakfast one morning. It was rather easy to find him; I just headed down to the dungeons and made a racket. It wasn't long before Professor Snape was up and running.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Professor! Look what I made you!" I held out the charts.

"...What is it?"

"It's an exercise calendar and a two-week meal plan!" He just stared at me. "It's either this or massive coronary."

"I'll take the heart attack, thanks."

"That's it. I'm going to go to Madam Pomfrey and I'm telling her that not only do you refuse to follow the proper nutritional guidelines, but you also molested me."

"Hold it!"

"Are you going to take it, or what?" With a low growl, he snatched the papers from my hands. "How very responsible of you, sir."

"Get out of my sight."

"Remember, the sooner you're in good health, the sooner we can have sex." Wow, he looked murderous after that comment. "See you later!" I got my ass out of there before I got it into any more trouble. During breakfast, I talked to Colin and everything was resolved. Then I told the SSS that I wasn't going to do any more tasks for the week.

"Why not?" Ginny complained.

"Because I'm trying to get Professor Snape healthy, not send him back to the infirmary."

"You so fancy him."

"Shut it." In front of Colin, I added in my head. After classes, I went up to the hospital wing to ask Madam Pomfrey a few questions for Professor Snape. She seemed rather amused, for some reason. Then she told me I should be his tag-along dietician, and, sensing an opportunity to spend tons of time with the love of my life- I mean- professor, I agreed. I decided to wait a bit to inform Professor Snape, since his condition seemed rather fragile at the moment. As in, he'd hex me.

At dinner I gave him the eye. The entire time. Needless to say, he stayed away from anything I (or Madam Pomfrey) would disapprove of. After dinner, I apprehended him. "Madam Pomfrey informed me that you have a dietician, now."

"...Who?" He looked ready to stab himself in the face.

"Me." I grinned. Then he looked ready to stab me in the face. There isn't really much else to tell for the rest of the week. I just kept badgering him to exercise and forced him to eat healthy food. I had a lot of help from Professor Lupin, of course. Then, yesterday (Saturday, for those of you not in the know) things took a drastic turn. I was walking down to the dungeons at around eleven in the morning to see if Professor Snape was in his office when... There he was. My dad.

"Oh my God, Dad. No." There's something about my father that kind of bothers me. He dresses very well, when it comes to wizards' robes. It's nothing but the best. But with muggle clothes... It's another story. He never throws anything away. He uses preservation charms and just keeps wearing the clothing. Clothing from the seventies and eighties. Clothing he's had since he was my age. It's sort of like a "go you!" though, since they still fit him perfectly. But they're the most crazy, disgustingly colored things on the planet.

And there he was, in flamingo pink Doc Martens, morbidly ripped jeans, acid green shirt, brown corduroy jacket. The jacket, I like. But... He looks like a nutty bum! One of those people holding signs saying "God is a duck and the world is coming to an end!" or something. It embarrasses me. Just a little.

"Hullo, lovely." He yawned. "How's school?"

"It's fine, Dad. And do those jeans have an ass rip?"

"Don't worry. The jacket covers it."

"Oh, good lord."

"These have a lot of sentimental value."

"Yes, you must have had some good times in them, mooning people on the street all day." He only grinned. "Why are you here, now? Since when do you frequent Hogwarts?"

"I received a letter informing me that you sexually assaulted Professor Snape and endangered his health. Is that true, or is this just a wonderful dream?"

"It's true." Maybe he is a nutty bum. Ew. Double entendre.

"Nadia. I just want you to know..." He put his hands on my shoulders and sniffed dramatically. "I'm very proud of you!"

"...What?"

"My little baby's growing up and falling in love!"

"What!" He pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, sniffling again.

"I only hope I'm a good grandfather!"

"WHAT!"

"The wedding will be so beautiful! I know the perfect place!"

"DAD! What the hell are you talking about!" He finally let me go and gave me a rather puzzled look.

"You mean you're not madly in love with Professor Snape?" He looked as if he were trying to grasp a concept that seemed too impossible to be true.

"I wouldn't say madly in love."

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow. Oh no. He was getting ideas. "What would you say?"

"Umm... Lust over him every moment of every day?" There was a short silence.

"Good enough!" Then he was hugging me again.

"Somebody!" I wheezed. "Help!"

"I'm so happy for you!"

"What's all this racket!" Professor Snape, of all people, had entered the scene. However, he took one look at us and... "Bye."

"SEVERUS!" Dad tackled him. Oh Jesus help me. My father just tackled my potions professor. And was he babbling in Italian?

"GET OFF ME!" Professor Snape roared. "I AM NOT A SOFA! I AM A HUMAN BEING!"

"This sofa is awfully noisy," Dad commented blithely.

"Let me try it." Well, if you can't beat them, join them. I sat down on Professor Snape's bum and gave it a little slap. "It's rather firm, I think."

"DETENTION!"

"And hairy," Dad added, ruffling the professor's hair. "Lumpy, too." He shimmied a bit, as if trying to get comfortable. "Not a good buy, I'd say."

"YOU'RE CRUSHING ME!"

"Well, I like the color," I said. "And I don't know, there's just something about sitting on it that makes me feel good."

"Yes, I agree. Say, where did Professor Snape go?"

"I'LL KILL THE BOTH OF YOU!"

"No idea," I replied. "Maybe he went back to bed."

"We should wait for him here."

"By the way, did you come for another parent teacher conference?"

"Yes. And, you know, I thought I should take a little responsibility for your actions and help the good professor recover."

"That's awfully nice of you."

"I know. I'm just a nice person."

"YOU'RE A NUTTY TIT! GET OFF OF ME! FIFTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!"

"Did you hear something, Nadia?"

"Why, no, Father. Did you?"

"Can't say I did."

"I CAN'T BREATHE!"

"I think we should get up, now," I sighed.

"What's the magic word?" Dad sang out, poking Professor Snape in the back of the head.

"...Please," he grumbled. With matching groans, Dad and I got to our feet.

"You wouldn't have such weak bones if you'd consume three servings of calcium fortified dairy products a day," Dad scolded.

"First of all- what are those on your feet?"

"My stompy pink Doc Martens. I know I keep saying I'll throw them out, but I just love them so very much."

"They're ugly."

"Nuh-uh. And don't go bashing the Docs. Nadia, don't you have the green ones I gave you?" So I have stompy Doc Martens. They're pretty and in my favorite color and I love them, so there. I'd stick my tongue out, but... This is a journal.

"Yes. I'm wearing them." Yes. I was.

"Oh, I didn't notice! Look at those, Severus. Aren't they lovely? Green, too. Slytherin pride! Huzzah!"

"Shut up. You're a freak."

"At least I have color in my wardrobe," Dad replied smugly. I really don't think he should be proud of those colors. "And I'm in shape."

"That's enough. I'm going back to bed."

"Oh no you don't! You need to get some exercise." Professor Snape's tick was going off by then. "Let's go."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Don't be a child."

"I AM NOT A CHILD!"

"Or a sofa," I added, feeling a sudden need to be included in the conversation.

"You! Go!" I rolled my eyes.

"Really, now. I'm your official dietician. You can't make me go."

"But- you- I-"

"Ah-ah! Madam Pomfrey gave me this responsibility, and I refuse to show the same carelessness you are regarding the matter with."

"Yeah," Dad sniggered. "Stop being so careless."

"I'd rather just have the heart attack, really," Professor Snape assured me.

"No. We're walking to Hogsmeade."

"Hooray!" Dad exclaimed.

"...You're not going out in public in that outfit."

"I agree," Professor Snape quickly put in.

"I'll change," Dad replied, taking a miniaturized briefcase out of his pocket. "Awaaaaayyyyy!" He ran off, his exclamation echoing through the corridors.

"...If we hurry up and leave now, we can lose him," I muttered.

"I doubt it," Professor Snape grumbled. It wasn't long before Dad came running back, in a reasonable set of brown robes.

"Sorry, loves, but I've got to fly." He seemed very excited. "I just got notice of a huge jump forward in my research- it's major progress, and I mean MAJOR!" He then emulated a southern American accent. "My goodness, Mr. Beauregard, I do believe I've got the vapors!" He kissed me on the cheek and shook Snape's hand. "Ta-ta, have a lovely trip to town!" And then he ran off at full speed.

"How did he get a notice from work?" I asked.

"I don't want to know."

"Alright, then. Let's get to Hogsmeade!"

"It's not a Hogsmeade weekend."

"You're a teacher. You can sneak me out. Anyway, let's get going!"

"No."

"Professor. PLEASE. You need exercise. And I need to get away from Colin. Have mercy, for once. You know Colin. He's in your class. I think he's stalking me!" He just glared at me.

"We can get more chocolate."

"Well..."

"And it's Madam Pomfrey's orders."

"You're lying."

"Alright. Let's just go ask her-"

"Fine! I'll go." I rejoiced in my victory as we exited the dungeons.

"So... You're really afraid of Madam Pomfrey, aren't you?"

"Shut it. You don't know that woman the way I do."

"Professor?"

"What now?"

"Are you wearing black Doc Martens?" I just love playing around with him.

"...I thought I told you to shut it." I was practically floating on a cloud, walking down to Hogsmeade with him. I was planning to pretend that it was a date, actually. Just inside my head.

"What do you want to do first, Professor? Maybe we could find a darkened alley to snog in." That tick in his jaw really is cute.

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw."

"How about a trip to the apothecary?"

"...Fine." So, off to the apothecary. I bought some potions ingredients that Professor Snape seemed to want to question, while he bought a number of poisons. Hypocrite. And I just thought it was so sweet that he had a frequent buyer's discount. I don't know, I'm weird like that. Really weird. After that, we walked some more. And I spotted an ice cream shop.

"Professor?"

"What?" he snapped.

"That ice cream shop has low-fat frozen yogurt in ten different flavors. Would you like to try some?"

"No," he muttered sourly.

"Are you sure? It's really good. I eat it all the time."

"How wonderful for you."

"I'm going to get some."

"I'll wait here." I decided to get him some, anyway. Chocolate raspberry swirl, yummy!

"Professoooor," I taunted, waving the frozen yogurt in his face. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

"...Fine. Hand it over."

"What's the magic word?"

"Detention." He snatched it out of my hand.

"That was awfully rude," I sighed as we continued our walk.

"I don't care." And then... Silence. Which I felt the need to break.

"So, have you ever seen a muggle film?" Conversation is always a must.

"A few." He seemed very contented, with that frozen yogurt firmly within his grasp.

"Which ones?"

"Er... Hmm. It's been a while. There was one about... Two people... And they kept meeting... I don't know. I hate muggle things."

"Wait, are you talking about 'When Harry Met Sally?'"

"Yes, that was it."

"I love that movie! And you know, the only man I know who's seen it is my dad."

"Well, it wasn't as if I had a choice. I was on a date."

"Really? I didn't know that you were so socially active, Professor."

"Harumph."

"So, do you date a lot?"

"I hate dating. I'd rather just pay for sex and have it over with." He paused for a moment and glared at me.

"I won't tell anyone. And why do you say that?"

"For men, dating is just a way to have sex. You should remember that. Every time a man is on a date with a woman, all he's thinking about is how to have sex. And when a man is friends with a woman, all he's thinking about is how to have sex. Especially that Creevey character."

"Oh, shut up." Glaring again. "Well. So, you agree with Harry?"

"What?"

"In the movie. You agree that men and women can never be friends, because sex will always get in the way?"

"Yes. Unless one or both parties are gay."

"I don't think so. I mean... Who would really want to have sex with Billy Crystal?" He just snorted. "Anyway, what about me? You don't seem to want to have sex with me."

"Because you are my student. If you were older, and my friend (which you aren't) then I would most likely want to have sex with you."

"Quick, get me a time turner."

"Ten points. And this stuff isn't half bad." He finished off his frozen yogurt and licked his fingers. Oh, sexy.

"Professor, do you realize that we just had a proper conversation?"

"Yes. I'm planning on killing myself once I get back to my office."

"Haha."

"I'm being completely sincere."

"Why are you being so civil to me, anyway?"

"The Headmaster told me to." He suddenly stopped dead in front of a display window and commenced staring/drooling. It didn't take long to figure out what was on the other side: racing brooms. "Sweet Merlin!" And within the blink of an eye, he was gone from sight, the bell over the doorway still ringing in his wake.

"What is it with men and Quidditch?" I wondered aloud. I entered the shop (which smelled like dried sweat, ew) to see Professor Snape haggling with the man behind the counter. After another ten minutes of holding my nose and watching him slowly dwindle down the price under discussion, I actually witnessed him in his happy mode. We exited the shop, and he was practically glowing, clutching a wrapped up racing broom protectively at his side. "So what is that, again?" He gave me a look as if I were an ignorant baboon.

"It's a Silver Arrow 360. The line was discontinued because of the sudden death of the creator, but now they're being manufactured again."

"What, a journal was found or something?"

"Along those lines, yes." He looked as if he was carrying a bundle of gold.

"Love at first sight, then?"

"Ten points. This isn't some sort of... Pair of shoes or something. It's much more important than that."

"...Right. Because we can walk around dirty, polluted streets covered in vagabonds that urinate on themselves barefoot, but we couldn't possibly survive without racing brooms." He looked extremely abashed.

"Don't be so snide. Detention."

"You know, you're cute when you're happy. You should try it more often."

"I don't do cute."

"Yes you do. You just don't know it."

"I-"

"OOH! Fruit!" I stopped at a fruit stand to take a look. "You could use some of this."

"No I couldn't. You look at fruit all you want, I'm going to the booth selling salves."

"That's gross."

"You're gross," I heard him mutter as he stalked away.

"Hey." I looked up, wondering when I'd be able to get some fruit, to see a very cute guy in an apron. I like the home maker look. "Is that your dad over there?" He nodded to Professor Snape.

"Oh, God no," I replied.

"Let me guess. You're his mistress?"

"No, not that either. I'm... I'm his dietician." Well, technically I am.

"I don't see you around an awful lot. Did you just move here or something?"

"I'm not a permanent resident," I replied. It's always best to be vague.

"Oh, that's too bad. Because I... uh... Wanted to ask you if you wanted to, you know, go get some drinks or something sometime." I raised my eyebrows. "I think you're cute. By the way, what's your-"

"Back off." I looked around to see Professor Snape standing menacingly behind me.

"Hey, bud, I was just asking the girl for a drink-"

"Go. NOW." The unidentified delivery boy made a little disgusted noise in the back of his throat and walked off. I smiled at Professor Snape.

"How valiant of you."

"Valiant nothing. I won't have you going off on your little 'dates' while under my supervision. It's insulting."

"Pff. You were jealous."

"I most certainly was not. Ten points."

"Bah."

"I need a drink. Let's go."

"Ohh, sexy man, in charge."

"Be quiet." So, I was quiet. I just trailed behind him and stared at his ass the whole way. "You're too quiet," he finally commented as we reached the Three Broomsticks. "You're scheming, aren't you? You are, I can tell."

"I'm not scheming," I replied.

"Then what are you doing?"

"Checking you out."

"...Let's just sit down."

"Booth!" I called, walking inside before him and sitting in a booth next to the window.

"You're impossible." He sat down across from me.

"Good day," Madam Rosmerta greeted as she hurried up to us. "What'll you have?"

"Liquor, and lots of it," Professor Snape grumbled.

"Don't you dare!" I snapped. "We'll both have water," I informed her. "And if he tries to order anything else, don't give it to him." With a nod, she bustled off.

"I hate you."

"That's not what you were saying earlier." He raised an eyebrow. "You said that under certain circumstances you'd have sex with me, right?"

"I said nothing of the sort. Ten points..." He trailed off as Madam Rosmerta brought back two glasses of water and left again, blatantly checking out her ass. "...Ravenclaw."

"I think you just awarded points, Professor."

"Huh? Right. Sure."

"You really are a jackass."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw!"

"Really, now. We're on a date and you go checking out other women?"

"We are not on a date! I am doing this under pain of being sacked!"

"Sure. That's why you want my body."

"I do not want your body!"

"So you weren't jealous when that delivery boy hit on me?"

"No!"

"It sure seemed like it to me."

"Well you are my student. I can't let you run around having sex with strangers."

"Because that's a real possibility."

"It is actually. I know what you do with that Creevey creature."

"I can't believe you would think that- you're dribbling."

"I noticed."

"We're fighting, you know."

"I noticed that, too."

"Fighting like a couple."

"You're delusional."

"And you are calling me easy." He scowled at me. I scowled at him. "Just because I want your hot bod, it doesn't mean I'm some sort of harlot."

"No comment." He sipped his water and made a face. "This needs some firewhiskey."

"Firewhiskey is off limits," I reminded him. "So are any high-sodium or high-sugar drinks. So there."

"This is horrible."

"It's not so bad."

"Hmph."

"I know the pain of a low sugar diet," I reassured him. "Just take solace in the fact that you can cheat every once in a while. Just not right now."

"Bah. Like you're at risk for a heart attack," he groused.

"Actually, I have glucose intolerance." Silence. "Is there a problem?"

"No. So... Is that... Diabetes... Or what?"

"Oh, no. I just get sick if I eat too much sugar. So, I have to watch it. I am actually more susceptible to diabetes than the average person, but as long as I eat healthy it's not serious at all. And you know, it's connected to irregularity in the menstrual cycle."

"Alright, that's enough."

"I found out about it from my gynecologist."

"I've heard enough, really."

"Professor?"

"What?"

"I feel as though we're bonding. Don't you think so?"

"No."

"I think we could get along, if only you'd open up."

"Not a chance." I sighed.

"I don't see what's wrong with me."

"Perhaps... You're insane?" He gulped down some more water. "And it runs in the family," he added sourly.

"...Is that referring to my father?"

"Yes!"

"Oh no. What did he do now?"

"Miss Page, the only reason I don't slaughter you is your father."

"...Really?" He scowled, taking on that "I've said too much" expression. "Do you know him?"

"Just finish your water."

"You do, don't you?"

"I'm warning you..."

"For how long? Why did I not know this? Are you Jewish?"

"I- excuse me? Did you just ask me if I'm Jewish?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Well... Because it's cut, and I was wondering."

"You... Are... Ten points from Ravenclaw."

"I'm ten points from Ravenclaw? Is that even possible?"

"Shut it."

"Are you Jewish?"

"No!"

"And you know my dad?"

"Yes! Just leave me alone!"

"...What's he really like?" He blinked and tilted his head a bit.

"You don't know?"

"I know he's insane, but... Does he really act like that all the time?"

"No."

"So what's he like?"

"You wouldn't want to know."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you need to be quiet and finish your water."

"Do you write letters to Dad? Do you guys go to the zoo and have slumber parties where you paint each other's toenails and stuff?"

"...What is wrong with you?"

"I'll bet he paints your toenails pink." Silence. "Oh my God. Let me see."

"That's it! This 'exercise' is over! I'm going back!"

"Aww, you're so cute when you're embarrassed."

"I am not cute!"

"Listen, Sev," I sighed, "you just need to accept the fact that I find you attractive."

"...Did you just call me 'Sev?'" I bit my lip.

"Er... No."

"Ten points from Ravenclaw." He reached up and started massaging his forehead. "Tell me, if I'm supposed to be avoiding stress, then why am I spending so much time with you?"

"Because I'm the only person around with the two traits vital to making sure you don't kill yourself." He glared at me, apparently waiting for me to reveal the traits. "First, I know how to keep a healthy diet and exercise regimen, and I know the easiest ways to do so. Second, I'm one of the few people in the surrounding area who genuinely likes you."

"...Well... I don't like you."

"Yes, I've been made quite aware of that."

"Good."

"You're so mean to me. All I've ever done is like you."

"What! You've embarrassed me, stabbed me, nearly given me a heart attack-"

"I feel really bad about that, honest."

"All of it?"

"No, just the last one."

"You... You..."

"I've been thinking about 'Fraggle Rock' lately. I love that show." What can I say? I have a tendency to blurt.

"...What?"

"I'd like to Fraggle your rock, Professor." Wink, wink.

"You are a lecherous, deeply disturbed little twit."

"I know. Crazy, isn't it?"

"You are crazy."

"Like my dad?" I asked. He snorted and quickly changed the subject.

"I'm going back. I have better things to do than argue about this."

"I think you're hiding something. What don't you want me to know? Did you accidentally kill a stripper and bury her in the desert?"

"...Where do you get these ideas?"

"You know, film, television, books... The usual." Shaking his head, he stood, left a tip, and exited. I followed him, of course. "Professor, please wait. You know this past week I've only had your well-being in mind."

"Of course," he muttered sarcastically. "It's rather plain to see."

"We could stop off at Honeyduke's and get some more dark chocolate, if you like."

"...Alright. But after that, back to the castle."

"For some jogging!"

"No! For a nap!"

"If you need an afternoon nap, then you're not getting enough sleep at night. What did I tell you about sleeping?"

"Listen, you can't-"

"I'll have to report this to Madam Pomfrey."

"Fine. I'll walk. No jogging, though." I grinned.

"You know, Professor, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

"Please. Don't quote muggle films."

You know, I really think I might be growing on the professor. Or, at least, he's being forced to act decently towards me. I wonder if my father is in on it, too? Anyway, I left Professor Snape to his walk and spent the rest of the afternoon doing research in the library. And contemplating Colin's birthday present. His birthday is the twenty-second and I've very little time to prepare. I was thinking... Butt plug. Hmm. Yes!