Detention With Severus Snape

* ~ March 23 ~ *

Yesterday was horrible. It was certifiably shitty. The actual day wasn't so bad, because all of us SSS members and Denis celebrated Colin's birthday together. It really all started at night, when I had my alone time with the birthday boy. First, we met in an empty classroom where I gave him a very special gift. He looked just like a kid at Christmas when he was opening it.

"Happy birthday!" Colin raised his eyebrows at his present.

"...Er... What... Is it?"

"It's a butt plug!" His mouth fell open.

"...Why?"

"Just to wear around... You know, to feel pretty."

"Right."

"I have another present for you," I added slyly.

"Er... What?"

"A trip to the prefects' bathroom." He turned red and gulped.

"A-alright." So, I led him to the prefects' bathroom, where I promptly turned over that blasted mermaid portrait and started filling the bath. Colin was looking very excited.

"Oh, don't you look cute? Come here." I pulled him towards me and gave him a big wet one. Then, you know, there was snogging and so on. And then the tub was full. Here was the part where I had to be brave. Strong thoughts. I took my shirt off, and Colin looked ready to cream his pants, he was so anxious. Then... The bra.

Colin blinked, staring down at... you know... me. "Er."

"What?" I looked down. "Lumps? Pimples? Inappropriate hair?"

"No... It's just..." I waited. "...They always seemed... Larger."

"...What?"

"Do you stuff your bra or something?" Needless to say, I got my bra and shirt back on, and Colin got a lovely imprint of my hand on his cheek for his troubles.

And, of course, I had to go to detention before I'd had much of a chance to cool down. Detention with Professor Snape. While I was PMSing. That meant, naturally, mulling over my damaged feelings (and pride) while scrubbing cauldrons quite vigorously and feeling extremely bloated. I wouldn't recommend it. "Miss Page!" I flinched. "What do you think you're doing?" I stared at the cauldron, feeling very emotional.

"Scrubbing cauldrons?" And bad about my body.

"It doesn't look that way to me. Stop being lazy and do some real work for once! I can't have you-" he stopped abruptly, presumably because... I was crying. I can't help it! I get really sensitive when I PMS! "...Are you quite alright?" I turned around, only to find that somewhere in between his bitching and the unexpected concern (*cough*forhisjob*cough*) he had walked right up behind me. He looked really tall, from my piteous position on the floor. I sniffed.

"I'm sorry, Professor." I thought that maybe if I apologized right away he'd just leave me alone. No such luck; he knelt down in front of me, scowling.

"Listen up. If this is some sort of attempt at gaining my pity, you'd better just dry those tears because- oof!" I figured being a messy lump of hormones was a good excuse to throw my arms around him and sob noisily into his robes. So I did. And it scores points for making me look like an actual girl. Albeit one with snot running from her nose. "What are you doing? Get off me!" Insensitive bastards, the whole male species.

"P-P-Professor," I sniffed, "a-are my b-boobs too small?" That stunned some silence into him. Serves him right.

"...What?"

"I'm flat chested!" I wailed. "And I'll never find a decent guy! They're all idiot pricks who only care about breasts and a hole to stick their- their- fuck poles in! And I'm craving stuffed grape leaves but the house elves don't know how to make them!"

"I love stuffed grape leaves."

"That's nice!" I was still crying. "What about spanakopita?"

"Yum- wait- why are you crying? Stop. Don't cry. Bad!"

"I-I c-can't help it! And w-what are you, Tarzan? M-me Tarzan, y-you Jane!" Even when breaking down into tears of pure estrogen, I still manage to criticize at every opportunity.

"Er..." He awkwardly patted my back and... Sort of, not-quite-hugged me. Like that "Please stop being an emotional girl" hug that men give when they're trying to get crying girls to leave them alone. "...There... There... Ahem... TenpointsfromRavenclaw... It'll be alright... I suppose... Arhrmhrmdetentionahem. Calm down." What an ass.

"Professor L-Lupin is so much more understanding," I sniffed. "You're a poopyhead."

"...What? Lupin? That's absurd. You're hysterical with grief... ...Over having small breasts, apparently." I let out a little sob. "I'm very understanding."

"You're a... a... non-understanding person!" I was hysterical with grief over having small breasts, just like Professor Snape said.

"More so than Lupin, certainly."

"Nope. Y-You're a-a-a menstruating unicorn!"

"...I see." I had said the first thing to come to mind. I'm sure he thinks it means something insulting, anyway.

"Professor Lupin is so much better than you!" I sniffed, sounding quite grief-ridden. "And gay!"

"...No. I'm not going to be gay just to make a student feel better about her breast size."

"Are you talking to yourself?"

"Shut up. And get up. Wipe your face off. Go get some damned grape leaves. I have work to do." He pushed me away and stood up, making a disgusted face at the sopping state of his robes.

"...You're only being mean to me because I have small breasts." He blinked. "If I were a D cup you'd be so much nicer to me!"

"Only if you also happened to be a completely different person," he muttered, pulling out a handkerchief and trying to wipe the mess off his robes. "And why are you still sitting there?" he snapped irritably. "Go cry to someone who cares." I stared. He'd actually led me to believe that he was going to be nice to me, for once. For him, at least. I thought he was going to... Well, not hurt my feelings, that's for sure!

"Fine. I'll go talk to someone who really has a heart and isn't going to end up old and alone, never to have a single ray of happiness permeate the murky depths of his bitter life, ever." I stood up and wiped my face with my sleeve, gathering my things in silence. I could feel him staring at me.

"...I'm not going to end up alone," I heard him murmur angrily as I headed out.

"Please. Get a clue." I slammed the door. Hah, put that in your pipe and smoke it, Professor! Of course, I just had to walk through the halls in the middle of an emotional breakdown afterwards. It's just lucky that Professor Lupin intercepted me before I could run into Filch and get anally raped by his cat or something.

"Nadia? Oh, my... What's the matter?"

"I have tiny boobs and everyone hates me," I grumbled.

"...Come on, I'll fix you some tea." I thought he'd take me to his office, but apparently crying and sniffling constitutes a visit to his private quarters. Where he sat me down at the little table in the kitchen area, draped a blanket around my shoulders, and gave me tea.

"Thanks, Professor," I sighed, gulping down my tea.

"Nadia... I've never been with a woman before. I want you to teach me." He then kissed me passionately and carried me into the bedroom.

Actually, that part didn't really happen. But I can dream. "Would you like to talk about what happened?" He sat down next to me, lending an attentive ear.

"Colin was mean to me, and so was Professor Snape."

"Before or after you started crying?"

"Colin before, Professor Snape after." He nodded.

"I see. Come here." Aww, a cuddly gay man hug! So much better than mean, nasty, sexy Professor Snape's "I hate you and this had better make you go away" hug. I then recounted the tale of how Colin said my boobs were less than satisfactory (and apparently that's all that matters in a relationship) and Professor Snape was mean to me even though I was crying and you're supposed to be nice to very distressed young women such as myself.

"He's a fuck muscle," I concluded.

"That's not very appropriate." He smelled like my dad. It was rather comforting, actually.

"Yet it holds so much truth."

"He was only acting out because you were crying, and he... Is less than properly equipped to deal with strong outbursts of emotion." In other words, he's a fuck muscle.

"Professor, you're so nice to me. I wish I could repay you." He patted my back reassuringly.

"There's no need."

"I could teach you how to please a woman." He very gently guided me back to my seat and pulled his chair around to the other side of the table. "I was kidding."

"...Right. Yes. Well... Ahem." He poured himself some tea. "Do you feel any better, now that you've vented?"

"A little. I could use some stuffed grape leaves, though."

"Alright." To my astonishment, he retrieved some grape leaves from his ice box, and placed them in front of me. "Have as many as you like."

"Where did you get these?"

"A clergyman sent them to me a couple of days ago," he replied, settling back into his seat. "I lived with him for a bit, a while ago."

"Oh, you seduced a priest, huh? You blasphemous vixen, you!" He blushed and choked slightly on his tea.

"No, no! Nothing happened between us, really!"

"...Weirdo." I ate a great many of them. They were, surprisingly, just as good as my mother's stuffed grape leaves.

"Would you like to talk some more?"

"Sure." I had calmed down substantially, and was no longer crying like a little schoolgirl. "Is Professor Snape, by any chance, capable of feeling some sort positive emotion?"

"Not in my presence, I'm afraid."

"Shucks. That's too bad."

"In fact, the only people I've ever seen him be halfway decent to are Albus and..." He trailed off, looking as if he'd just caught himself from letting a secret slip. "...Never mind."

"Who?"

"It's not my place to say."

"Tell me!" I wanted to know. Maybe... Could it be?

"I can't." He sipped his tea. "It's... Not important."

"Is it a woman?" I asked dubiously.

"No." Phew.

"Professor Snape's gay?" Just in case.

"I wish." I stared. "Just kidding."

"Tell me who. I want to know." He shook his head. "Who is it?"

"I can't."

"Tell me. Please? Please, please, please, please?"

"Your father."

"Haha. Really, though, who is it?" He only shrugged. "...Is it really my dad?" He sighed. "It is. Are you sure? My dad?"

"Yes." Professor Snape had always seemed to dislike my father. That's awfully strange.

"..."

"He's a very nice person. I'm not surprised that-"

"YOU SEDUCED MY FATHER, DIDN'T YOU!" He again choked, this time apparently on his own saliva, he was so surprised.

"What?"

"YOU'VE BROKEN UP MY FAMILY! I'M GOING TO LIVE IN A BROKEN HOME!"

"I- I didn't do anything! Nadia, I- I know that you may think- I mean- just because one person is attracted to another- that is to say-"

"Nah, I'm just kidding." I needed a laugh after such a rough night. Besides, the fact that Professor Lupin had smelled sort of like Dad had given me the idea. "Oh, and that was far too much information, by the way." I heard the word attracted in there...

"Oh." Professor Lupin was going quite red. "I- er- I suppose that... It was... Ahem. You know, that little prank of yours was out of line-"

"Are you using me to get closer to my dad?"

"Excuse me?" This time I meant it; something had just... clicked. "Is this another joke?"

"...Not quite." He'd said attracted.

"I would never do something so unconscionable." I didn't believe him.

"...If you say so." It made perfect sense, now. Though, I don't see why Professor Lupin would even hope to have a chance, chasing after a married, straight man. Albeit a very strange and unpredictable one. Though, maybe it was something along the lines of what I'm doing to Professor Snape.

"You don't believe me?"

"Well... No, not particularly."

"...I suppose I really am a bad liar, then." He sipped his tea.

"You're gross."

"...You never seemed to have a problem with it before."

"But it's my dad!" I wailed piteously. "Why does everyone want to boff him!"

"Erm... He's sexy?"

"AUGH!" Charlie Brown impression. "And since when is it okay for teachers to tell their students that their parental figures are sexy!"

"I thought we had a special bond going," he replied calmly, refilling his teacup. "Don't you agree?" I thought for a moment.

"Yes, but isn't it based on the fact that you apparently want to make mad passionate love to my married, deeply in love with my mother, father? I mean, isn't that sort of... Shallow and fake?" He grimaced a bit at the "deeply in love with my mother" part.

"I... Well, I've come to regard you as a strange, young, horny, delusional friend. As unlikely as that sounds."

"Hold it- delusional?" He shrugged.

"It seemed pretty on to me."

"...Yeah, I guess that's a good word for it." I found myself bestowed once again with the ability to smile. "Thanks for cheering me up, Professor."

"It was no trouble at all."

"Oh, and if you simply must pull a Ginny on me and lust after my father... Could you please just... Not get me involved? At all?"

"Of course."

"Hey, sexy, how's- what are you doing here?" Draco was standing in the doorway to the bedroom, looking bitchy.

"I'm depressed because my boyfriend's a jerk and I have small boobs," I replied. "Grape leaf?"

"Those things are gross."

"BLASPHEMY!"

"Right." Draco sauntered up to the table and looked directly at my chest. "What is your bra size, anyway?"

"Thirty-four A." He gave my breasts a very scrutinizing look.

"They're not so small. Just right, I think. If they're too big, then they're all floppy and flabby. Yours are very perky."

"Thanks, Draco."

"Don't mention it, bike dyke."

"Tea?" Professor Lupin offered as Draco sat down. He let out an exasperated sigh.

"What is it with you and tea? Don't you ever drink anything else?"

"I like milk." Draco just glared at him.

"Someone's in a bad mood," I commented.

"That's because I was planning on getting some today, but you've ruined it. You always ruin my sexy moods!"

"...Your 'sexy moods?'" He crossed his arms and pouted.

"Shut up."

"Draco." Professor Lupin was suddenly looking rather pensive, and slightly mischievous. "What do you think of Nathanyel Page?" Draco grinned.

"I'd jump his bones any time." Oh, gross.

"You're disgusting." Draco rolled his eyes.

"Oh, come on. Just face it- you have a sexy father. It's something I've had to live with, you know." I stared at him.

"Did you just call your father sexy?"

"Yes." He shrugged. "He's dead, anyway. There's no use in denying it. We have sexy fathers. It runs in the family." Alright, now I know Draco's off his rocker.

"...What family?"

"Our family. You know, the Malfoys."

"I don't think she did know," Lupin informed him.

"Oh. Well. Congratulations, you've got a second cousin once removed." His sipped his tea as I just stared at him. "I was talking about myself, by the way."

"I know." I kept staring at him. "That's impossible."

"You mean you've never noticed?" He raised his eyebrows. "You have the Malfoy chin."

"I have my father's chin," I corrected him.

"Yes, and your father has the Malfoy chin. His mother was Viole Malfoy, sister of Vitus Malfoy. And Vitus Malfoy just happens to be my grandfather." I stared at him some more.

"We're cousins?"

"Distantly, yes."

"...Eww. You just said you'd do my dad!"

"I know." He finished off his tea. "Can you imagine? He and my father were cousins. It's a small world after all, I suppose."

"Alright. This is something I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing."

"Aren't you flattered to be related to me?" Draco seemed a bit hurt.

"No. But... I suppose it makes sense. That explains why you have the same birth mark as Dad. Though I'd really rather not recount how I came to know that."

"Nor would I."

"I won't ask, then," Professor Lupin replied.

"...I'm really tired." Which I was. "I think I'll just go to bed, now. Thanks for everything, Professor. And thanks, Draco... You're a girl."

"I am not a girl!"

"Alright, goodnight." Off I went to bed. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, and it was long, wonderful, and dreamless. When I woke up today, though, I got to thinking... About how I want to kill Colin. Maybe I can get my dad to do it. But more than that, I was thinking of what Professor Lupin had said about Professor Snape. That he's not used to emotional outbursts. I can understand that. Maybe he was also angry because I'd said Professor Lupin was better than him. Seeing as he seems to hate Lupin, that's understandable. After much consideration, I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to apologize. Goodness, how painful.

Upon getting up, I realized that it was half past one. Which meant that I'd missed both breakfast and lunch, but I know where the kitchens are, so no big deal. Anyway, I decided to go see if Professor Snape was in his office right away, and so started on my way down. However, there was a small delay.

"Nadia!" Colin dies. "Nadia!" I ignored him, as is proper. "I'm sorry!" No he isn't. "I'M SORRY!" With an exasperated sigh, I turned around and glared at him.

"If you're so fucking sorry, then why don't you write an apology and stuff it in my bra!" I left him there with his mouth hanging open. Stupid fish boy.

Alright, blew off Colin. Next step: apologize to Professor Snape. I found him in his office, and did my best to look innocent and pathetic. "Professor?"

"I'm busy," he snapped. I thought that getting straight to the point would be the best option at the moment.

"Professor, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I know my comparison of you to Professor Lupin hurt your feelings, and I shouldn't have said anything. The truth is..." I love you. "I like you better, anyway." He glared at me.

"Go away."

"...What are you doing?"

"Reading mail. Now get out of here."

"I could help."

"No."

"Alright." I turned and started to go.

"Miss Page." I suppressed my excitement at the fact that he was calling me back as I turned back around. "...Apology accepted."

"Sir, I-"

"Didn't I tell you to go?"

"Alright, I'm going." I paused at the door, though. "Professor, I just wanted to say that... I don't just like you for your delicious body. I think you're a really good person. When you're not being an asshole, that is." Then I scampered away. After that, I grabbed some grub from the kitchens, studied in my dorm all day, and did my best to avoid all human life forms. I was still a little sore about last night.

Then came the crappy part of today. I was starting to worry about Professor Snape's diet and exercise, being the paranoid idiot that I am, and so resolved to pop into his office again to check on him. After an uneventful walk, I found his office not only unlocked, but deserted. With a pensieve out in plain sight. I suddenly found myself, for some odd reason, standing in front of it. There was something going on inside there. And I wanted to know what it was. But I knew it would be a horrible invasion of privacy and the worst thing I could possibly do after getting on Professor Snape's nerves so much... But... It was there. Taunting me. Tempting me. Giving me a belly dance.

I'm really not the type to look into pensieves. Honestly. But, as a compulsive eavesdropper, I just couldn't help myself.

"What the fuck is this!" That was teen version of Professor Snape talking to... Teen version of Dad. It looked like they were in a Slytherin dormitory, potions ingredients and old books scattered about on the floor.

"It's an order for dragon tongue flakes and salamander's flame."

"That combination is fatal, you know!"

"Yes, I do. Thanks." Dad shuffled through a thick ledger, sucking on the tip of his quill. "And you're not meeting your weekly quota, Sev. You'd better pick up the pace, or we'll start losing profits."

"Excuse me!" Some things never change. "I have N.E.W.T.s to study for!"

"Your point?" Snape growled angrily. "Come on, you know you could get full marks no problem. You can't just peter out like this! We're in debt!"

"WHAT!" Snape lunged at him and grabbed him by the collar. "What do you mean in debt!"

"I mean IN DEBT! Remember the loans from Lucius? The cut we owe Olivia?" He mouthed wordlessly at Dad, going red. "And losing our best customer is not going to help us out at all-"

"Wait- Lupin? What do you mean? Don't tell me he's getting clean?" ...Suddenly this didn't seem like a very good memory to be looking in on.

"Have you seen him, Sev?" Dad asked incredulously, dropping his quill.

"He's a werewolf. He can handle a little abuse."

"He collapsed at breakfast!"

"That was funny, wasn't it?"

"NO!" Dad sighed. "But you know- I can't just keep giving him that stuff. It'll kill him."

"You never seemed concerned about that before. And it's not like we're giving it away- he pays." Dad glared at him. "And you can't just refuse to sell to him."

"That's true. Which is why you're going to water down the next batch." Snape blinked.

"What? Water it down? I can't just butcher my work like that!"

"Do it! I will not argue about this!" He picked up his quill again and scribbled something in the ledger.

"You can't just ween the mangy wolf off it. He'll go into withdrawal."

"So he'll go to the hospital wing."

"You shouldn't be so nice to him," Snape grumbled. "He'll start- you know."

"No, I don't know."

"You know he's a poof. He'll... Well, you know! It's bad enough that he's practically panting every time you walk in the room-"

"That's not true. You're just imagining it." That was a rather disturbing thing to hear. It sounded like Professor Lupin had wanted my dad in bed for some time. "Anyway, I'll need some more angel dust for the Ravenclaws by Tuesday."

"Only if you check on the marijuana plants in the greenhouse for me."

"Alright, but you have to dry it out."

"Fine."

"MISS PAGE!" I jumped at the roar, flushing with guilt as Professor Snape prowled towards me. "WHAT ARE YOU-"

"Ooh, does Sexy Sevvie have the hots for Ickle Livvy?" floated up from the pensieve. Professor Snape turned even more red.

"Er... Sir... You were a drug dealer?" Now purple. "...With my dad?" Now... greenish grey, I'd say. "And Professor Lupin was a junkie?" That was the hardest part to believe. "With the hots for my dad?" And that part was pretty easy to believe. Though gross.

"You- will- never- speak of this- to anyone- ever- GO!" I started to go, but then I stopped.

"I... I think I have a right to know about-"

"GET OUT! NOW!" I jumped a bit, then ran out. After that, it was back to the dorm for me, to think. And... Dad. Sold drugs. In school. This school. I... Well, I'd never thought he would do anything so... Bad. So, I vented my feelings in a thoughtfully angry letter to Dad. Then I sent it. We'll just see.