Detention With Severus Snape

* ~ April 19 ~ *

Oh my goodness. The most horridly funny thing imaginable has happened. Not to mention I was actually exposed to some good points of my father, for a change. Though, I'm getting ahead of myself. Allow me to start from the beginning.

After three days of work, my potions essay was finally completed, and absolutely perfect. I rolled it up and set it on my bedside table, looking forward to getting an excellent grade. Then, I started working on the new underground challenge that had appeared on the Ravenclaw bulletin board. Hmm... Two teachers... That was easy. Professors Snape and Lupin. Involving the giant squid... Well, it would be easy to work the giant squid into a secret rendezvous outside by the lake... Rating? X, of course. I wrote the heading and summary, then began my tale of forbidden love. It took a few hours to finish, but by the end I had several rolls of parchment full of glorious smut. Tired, I set it on my bedside table; it wasn't due for another ten days, so I had plenty of time to proofread it and such. I then drifted into wonderful, beautiful sleep, and when I woke up the next day I hastily grabbed my potions essay from the bedside table and stuffed it in my bag.

That was last week. Today, we were to receive our graded potions essays. I sat in potions, listening intently to the lesson and brewing my potion carefully, eagerly awaiting what I was certain would be my best grade all year. Finally, at the end of class, we were told to clean up, and then we would be given our essays. One by one, Professor Snape called the students up to his desk and handed back their essays along with a scathing comment about its poor quality. However, he concluded this without calling my name. I waited, puzzled, but he merely sat down at his desk, angrily marking off something on his ledger. I was about to raise my hand and ask for my essay when the bell rang, and the students started packing up their things, becoming irritatingly loud. "Miss Page," Professor Snape called over the din, "you are to stay after class." He didn't elaborate. So, I packed up like everyone else, then sat at my desk and waited.

Once everyone else had gone, Professor Snape beckoned me to his desk. Carefully, I approached, wondering what he was looking so angry about. Then, I noticed a roll of parchments that could only be my potions essay. "Is this about my essay, Professor?" I asked nervously, standing before him and grinding my teeth, which I stopped once I realized I was doing it.

"Yes," he hissed, sneering and standing up. It seemed as if he was towering over me, looking very menacing. He gripped my essay tightly, wrinkling the paper. "Tell me, Miss Page," he snarled, "what was going through your twisted excuse for a mind when you decided to write this?" He indicated my essay.

"Er... The positive and negative effects of experimentally modifying a potion recipe?" I guessed. That had been the topic of my essay. A wordless growl escaped the professor's throat.

"Follow me," he snapped, prowling out of the classroom. I quickly grabbed my bag and silently followed. I had no idea what he was so angry about; perhaps I'd forgotten something? Or maybe I'd doodled on the sides without noticing... "Fizzing Whizbees." We had arrived at the headmaster's office; shit. I had no idea what I'd done, but it must have been bad. When we walked into the circular room, Professor Dumbledore wasn't the only one waiting for us. Professors Lupin and Flitwick were also there. Well, I knew Professor Flitwick was there because he was my head of house, but Professor Lupin...

My mind immediately went to the story I had written for the challenge, still laying neatly on my bedside table. I hadn't had any time to proofread it, so I hadn't so much as touched it all week long. But... What if I had switched it with my potions essay? "Now, Miss Page," Professor Snape growled. "You will inform us all of what possessed you to write this unnatural smut!" Damn. I'd switched them. My mouth was suddenly very dry.

"What did she write, Severus?" Professor Flitwick asked, sounding concerned.

"I was wondering that, myself," Professor Lupin cut in. He looked surprised when the story was thrust under his nose. There was silence in the room as he took it from Professor Snape and unrolled it, his eyes scanning over the words... Before he blanched and nearly dropped the paper. "What... Buh... Huh?" Throughout this ordeal, Professor Dumbledore had remained silently amused, but now he spoke up.

"Perhaps you should read it aloud, Remus," he said cheerfully. Professor Lupin turned bright red, then cleared his throat, shakily reading the summary.

"'Professors Snape and Lupin meet on the grounds for some elicit activity and discuss who is a better- a better-'" he paused for a moment, then cleared his throat again. "'...A better topper. Is it Snape, Lupin, or the Giant Squid? Warning: Contains slash. Rating: X.'" He lowered the parchment, looking shocked and embarrassed. Professor Snape looked enraged, Professor Flitwick looked dumbstruck, and Professor Dumbledore looked immensely amused.

"What, exactly, is slash?" Professor Flitwick asked warily.

"Homosexual romance," I replied morosely. I was sure to be expelled.

"She handed that in, in place of a potions essay," Professor Snape informed them, his lips incredibly thin and his hands balled into tight fists.

"It was an accident, really!" I protested. All eyes were on me. "I- I got the parchments mixed up." I hadn't thought it possible, but Professor Snape looked even more angry and disgusted than before.

"So you wrote this for your own sick pleasure?" he asked quietly.

"Now, now, Severus," the headmaster cut in pleasantly. "Let's not make assumptions. I wonder, though, Nadia... Why did you write it?"

"I... I..." It looked as if I had busted the whole ring. I was a dead woman. "You see, there's a... A challenge, if you will, that the Ravenclaws have come up with. You know, to pass the time... And- and improve writing skills. People from the other houses participate, too. You see- you join this sort of... Underground organization, you might call it... Under an assumed name- so people don't know exactly who you are, but you still have an identity to attribute your stories to. You can write according to the challenges, or you can write other things... And, the challenge this month was to write about two teachers, something forbidden, and involve the giant squid. So... That's my submission." I was acutely aware of all the stares- and one glare.

"That is no excuse for writing such disgusting, perverted filth!" Professor Snape spat. I, of course, felt the need to defend my brainchild.

"I'll have you know that half the students in this school would kill to get their hands on that!" More silence. "Professor," I added, as an afterthought. "People like what I write. And it's not against any rules I've heard of." I noticed from the corner of my eye that Professor Lupin was immersed in my story, explaining his continued silence. I suppressed a smile at this.

"Well, it may be a bit... off-color," Professor Flitwick said uncertainly, "but I don't believe there are any rules against it."

"She's just as demented as her father!" Professor Snape snapped back. I certainly didn't appreciate the insult to my father, especially since the professor seemed to remember him in something of a fond way the last time he was discussed. Though it was rather painful for me. "She should be expelled immediately!"

"Now, Severus, that will be entirely up to me!" Professor Flitwick protested. "She hasn't hurt anyone-"

"May I remind you that she nearly killed me with a heart attack!" he shrilled. Ah, I knew that would come up in the discussion. He looked as if he was going to continue when Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Severus, we have already established that the incident was an accident," he said calmly.

"She gave me chocolate knickers!"

"Let's try to stay on topic. Now, Nadia... Have you written any other stories?"

"Tons," I replied.

"Tell us about them." I sighed. If Flitwick wasn't planning on expelling me before, he would after he heard this.

"Well, a couple of years ago I wrote a series of stories about Harry Potter-" Professor Snape snorted- "and Draco Malfoy that was very popular. Especially among the female population of Hogwarts." There was silence.

"Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy?" Flitwick asked warily; it seemed as if he found this whole experience rather frightening.

"Yes, together, as in romance." I swear, one could hear crickets chirping in the room. "And then I also wrote about Professors Snape and Lupin in the Forbidden Forest, in the bath, on the Quidditch pitch-" I started ticking the scenarios off on my fingers- "in the potions classroom, in the DADA classroom, in Professor Snape's office, in Professor Lupin's office, in the potions store rooms, in both the Professors' quarters, in the Slytherin common room, in the Shrieking Shack-"

"That's enough!" Professor Snape looked horrified. "Good gods, didn't you write about anything else?"

"Yes," I replied. "For the topic, 'The daily routine of a potions professor' I wrote about you fetching sweets for Professor Dumbledore. You should be grateful, because you wouldn't believe the number of stories involving karaoke, knitting, the color pink, and love hearts that showed up, Professor. It was rather insulting." And then, into the silence...

"How did they know?" No, it wasn't Professor Snape. It was Professor Lupin, imitating Professor Snape. I couldn't hide my laughter, and neither could Dumbledore.

"Shut your mangy snout," Professor Snape growled.

"Now, Severus, let's not get worked up," Dumbledore chided, still chuckling.

"I also wrote some BDSM about Professor Snape and Neville Longbottom," I added. The room was filled with a shocked silence. "And I also wrote about Draco Malfoy and Neville Longbottom. And Draco and Professor Lupin. And Professor Snape and Harry Potter. And-"

"I believe we have enough information," Dumbledore interrupted, holding up his hand.

"We should shut down this whole foul operation," Professor Snape snapped, glaring at me. He seemed utterly disgusted.

"I doubt you could if you tried," I muttered, though I could be heard quite clearly.

"I agree," Dumbledore said thoughtfully. "So, I believe we will leave this whole affair alone. I will ask you not to mention this to the students- " he was addressing this to the professors- "and Severus, I'm sure Nadia would be happy to give you her potions essay, and I'm certain you won't take off any points for this whole affair." He growled audibly, then grumbled something and swept out of the office. "If you'll both excuse me, I'd like to have a word with Nadia." The two remaining professors nodded and exited, Professor Lupin still avidly reading my story. Dumbledore offered me a seat and a lemon drop, and I took both. "Nadia, I was wondering... What would one need to do to join this underground circle of writers?" I was momentarily taken aback, but quickly recovered.

"Well, just apply through a form, with your pen name and other information... Would you like me to send you the guidelines, Headmaster?"

"Yes, please," he replied. "And I look forward to reading these stories of yours." That was sort of... Disturbing.

"Er... Thank you."

"You may go, now. I'm sure you have plenty of things to do. Good day."

"Bye..." I walked out of the office, rather surprised. I was even more surprised to find Professor Lupin waiting in the hallway.

"You're a good writer, Nadia," he said, handing me the story. "I thoroughly enjoyed it." This was indeed a strange turn of events, but also rather sexy.

"Thank you, Professor," I replied, using my wand to smooth out the wrinkles Professor Snape had made in the parchment.

"I wonder if I could join this circle you told us about?" Wow, two new members... And they were not only male, but also professors!

"Certainly, Professor. I'll send you the information in the owl post."

"Yes, thank you... And there's something else I would like to speak to you about, if you don't mind joining me in my office." He looked a bit concerned for a moment.

"I don't mind," I replied, happy to be having a chat with my second favorite teacher, and, in my opinion, the sexiest man aside from Severus Snape in all of Hogwarts.

He led me to his office, which was always a rather pleasant place to be, and conjured up some tea and biscuits. "Tea?" I accepted his offer and sipped my tea, patiently waiting to find out what we were supposed to be discussing. "Nadia, is there anything going on? Anything that's causing you any trouble?" Well, that was unexpected.

"No," I answered, surprised. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," he replied slowly, choosing his words carefully, "while I understand your feelings for Professor Snape, you seem a bit more... Tense around him than usual. You just act as if there's something wrong."

"Well... It's nothing."

"Have you done something to him? He hasn't mentioned you in a while."

"Professor Snape talks about me?" I asked, sounding a little too happy about it, in my opinion. My heart was beating much faster than normal, though, and I was happy.

"Yes," he replied. "I think anyone who has been put through the things you have done to him so far this year would talk about it. I remember one particular evening when he was ranting about how you tripped him down a flight of stairs and stabbed him with a pair of scissors."

"That was an accident!" I protested. "I didn't mean to do that."

"What did you mean to do?" he asked.

"Er... Well, I was trying to cut off a lock of his hair." Professor Lupin's eyebrows flew up and he nearly dropped his cup of tea.

"Well," he spluttered, after regaining his composure, "that- that sounds-"

"Insane," I provided.

"I wouldn't use such a harsh word..." I couldn't help but glare at the professor. "...But yes, insane would be an accurate way to describe it." There was a short silence, during which I wished I had never been born. "Well... As I was saying before... You don't seem yourself lately. Neither does he. Is there anything wrong? Anything I can help you with?" He seemed concerned again.

"Well, there are many things wrong, none of which you can help me with, Professor. Sorry." He frowned a bit. "And, if you must know... Not only am I unbearable angry at my father, but I've also fallen in love with Professor Snape." There was a deafening silence. I know it sounds completely insane, but I had come to the conclusion so gradually that it was rather difficult to identify, at first.

"Nadia," he finally said, gently taking my hand, "perhaps you should... reconsider this evaluation of your feelings."

"...Are you hitting on me?" He quickly dropped my hand, looking taken aback.

"No! No, of course not, I..." He trailed off as he saw me suppressing my laughter. "Right. Nadia, this is a serious matter." I suddenly found it hard to look him in the eye. "I know you may think that you love Professor Snape, but I think you'll find in time that- that- are you alright?" I wasn't alright, but I nodded anyway. I wondered briefly what my face looked like, since I have inappropriate laughter syndrome, (which I made up) but quickly decided that I'd rather not know.

"I really do love him, though," I said quietly. Professor Lupin sighed, shaking his head. "I know it can't just be a silly schoolgirl crush, because... Because I've fancied him for so long. And now... I love him." He chewed his lip thoughtfully. "It's not like I planned it," I muttered.

"Well, perhaps you're going about it the wrong way..." I shook my head. It was time to get this whole thing off my chest; it was time to confess.

"That's not exactly the whole story..." So, I launched into a detailed confession of everything. I told the whole sordid tale, including the events that took place at the Yule Ball and in Hogsmeade... And including the love letters. I think some of the events rather shocked and amused him, because every once in a while he would interrupt me.

"You didn't!" he would exclaim, horrified. Or, maybe something like, "You're kidding, right?" or "Chocolate knickers?" When I finished, he chewed his lip thoughtfully. Sexy man... Not as sexy as Professor Snape, though. Which made me start thinking of Professor Snape and that delicious rear end of his... Mmm... I'd love to have a little of that rump roast. Ahem. Right, on with the story... "Did you just call Severus a rump roast?" ...Oops?

"Well, in any case," I concluded, "I've fallen head over heels." There was silence. I sighed, sensing the professor's discomfort. "Look, if you feel the need to send a letter home- address it to my father. And give the owl specific instructions to give the letter only to my father." He looked inquisitive, so I elaborated. "My mother is a muggle who hates birds. My father, on the other hand, is a bird fanatic." I assumed that Professor Lupin would know what I was talking about, since he seemed to know my father already. His eyes widened a bit, then his expression returned to normal, though his mouth was twitching treacherously.

"Oh. That brings back a lot of memories." He looked as if he was enjoying those memories. "You know, you take after him, a bit."

"I've always thought of myself as more... normal than him."

"Yes," he agreed. "And I'm sure you know better than anyone how... Different Nathanyel can be." I nodded. He brought his hand up to his forehead and rubbed it. "You know, I'm seeing more and more of him in you as time goes by." I could feel my eyebrows raising at the statement.

"You mean I'm acting more like him?" Professor Lupin nodded. "...Tell me about him."

"Nathanyel once clipped a piece of Severus' hair, too." I blinked, very confused. Though, I was kind of glad to be hearing a zany story of my father's past, rather than a traumatizing one. "He did it for a polyjuice potion. I was in my fifth year at the time, he in his fourth. He somehow managed to subdue Severus and get him out of the way, then spend an entire day masquerading as him. It was... interesting, to say the least." I couldn't help but let out a small snort of laughter. "That day, we had double potions with Slytherin. I knew there was something amiss when Severus dropped some filibuster's fireworks down James' pants and asked us why Gryffindors seemed to have nifflers stuck up their arses when Slytherins were around. And, of course, when he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a box of sweets, asking me to be his Valentine, despite the fact that it was January." I had to laugh at that. "And when he started a snowball fight with a bunch of second year Hufflepuffs, and built a snowman version of Albus, then charmed it to sing the school song." My father really had gotten up to a lot of trouble passing himself off as Professor Snape, hadn't he?

"Why did he do it?" I asked.

"I asked him that myself, after I found out." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "He said that Severus needed to lighten up a bit, and have a little fun. He thought that if he set an example, Severus might follow it. When I asked him about the sweets and the Valentine, he told me that he thought Severus and I should be... friends, since we looked as darling together as a green and yellow fwooper in mid-March." I couldn't help it; I had to ask the question that was burning on my mind.

"When he asked you to be his Valentine, what did you say?" He blinked a bit, then chuckled softly.

"Well, if you must know... I said yes." Oh... I'd always found the thought of Professors Lupin and Snape together simply delicious, though I had always considered it to be far from reality. "You could imagine how angry and embarrassed Severus was to find out about the whole situation." I blinked a bit. "He always was straight as a pole."

"Oh... I see..."

"That was the first time I'd ever... Well. You wouldn't want to hear that."

"When you started to fancy my dad?" I suggested. Blushing a bit, he nodded. "Well, that's made me feel a bit better, though I'm still angry at him."

"Nathanyel's a good man," Professor Lupin said in a soothing voice, "even if he is extremely strange. It was his idea to continue development on the Wolfsbane potion after the Ministry of Magic dropped the project. He actually convinced Severus to do the experiments." For some reason, any mention of wolfsbane always reminded me of the muggle film "Teen Wolf." I have no idea why.

"Speaking of Professor Snape, didn't you say a while ago that he's been with a man?" Professor Lupin coughed quite loudly and turned red.

"Er... I suppose I may have."

"Then... Why was he so disgusted by my story?"

"I think it was more the fact that you paired him off with me." I tilted my head a bit.

"Why? Were you the mystery man?" He turned a bit redder.

"No! No, of course not."

"But I'll bet you wanted to be, eh?" He needs to start wearing concealer with the amount of blushing he does.

"Why don't we move on to another topic?"

"Alright. That reminds me, how's the sex with Draco?"

"Fine. Though, if you'd like to discuss something else..." He had this "hint, hint" look on his face that I simply could not ignore.

"What does a rim job feel like?"

"I meant something other than sex."

"Well, you need to specify. Anyway, what do you think of the global warming issue and how much is it affecting the coral reefs of the south pacific?"

"...I... I got new trousers," he offered hopefully.

"Oh. What color?"

"Blue."

"Blue is most definitely your color."

"Yes." There was a long period of silence, during which I coughed. Once. "Alright, we can talk about sex."

"Yay! So, what's your favorite position?"

"I didn't think you'd be so specific."

"Well, I am a writer. I need details." He raised his eyebrows. "Please? For the fans?"

I didn't get his favorite position out of him, but I managed to squeeze out a lot of other information. For instance, he and Draco have done it on the kitchen table, and there are several sounds made between the two of them that aren't replicated anywhere else. It's still kind of weird that I'm related to Draco, but it's distant enough that I don't mind so much. So... My butt is falling asleep. And soon I will be, too.