Detention With Severus Snape

- - May 3 - -

My God. I am so fucking sore all over my body that I can't even express the pain I'm in. I actually limp when I walk, now. And no, I wasn't in a debilitating accident or anything. It's just from the excessive exercise. I really shouldn't be so obsessive over shedding the five or so pounds I've gained, but it's like my aunt told me: no one's going to fancy a girl with an ass the size and shape of a watermelon. So, here I am, collapsed on my bed, completely exhausted, but not from sex. Which is the worst part of the whole ordeal, I think. I'm too tired to even masturbate, I've been exercising so much!

Oh, well. That's the price for losing weight. At least it's just a little bit. And now I get to go out and walk with Professor Snape. The other day I went and started jogging circles around him. Heehee, he got so angry, and it was hilarious. "Stop that!" he growled, speeding up.

"Come on, Professor, let's see you sweat!"

"Not on your life."

"Feel the burn!"

"You can burn all you like; I'm fine the way I am." Really, sometimes he can be such an old biddy.

"Come on, Professor. Let's have a race; first one to the Quidditch pitch wins."

"I'd rather not."

"GO!" I ran off at top speed, quite aware of the fact that Professor Snape was making absolutely no effort whatsoever to keep up. In fact, I think he was going a little slower. Well, poo on him. I need to shed some pounds, and I need to do it fast. When I got to the Quidditch pitch, I decided to double back towards Professor Snape, since waiting for him would take too long. Can't let the heart rate go down! So, I sprinted back to him and started running around him in circles again. "Slowpoke, slowpoke," I half-panted, half-taunted.

"You're demented," he grumbled. "Twenty points from Ravenclaw."

"Alright, let's burn off those points! One two, one two, one two-"

"I'm leaving." He started for the castle, but I followed him, still making circles around him. "Get away from me, you idiot!"

"You can't just cut your work-out short," I panted. It was taking a lot of effort to talk and run at the same time.

"I can do whatever I bloody well please you daft cow, now get out of my way!" I stopped dead, right in front of him. Ouch. That one hurt.

"Did you just call me a daft cow?" I asked quietly.

"YES!"

"...I knew I'd gained weight!" I wailed. "My thighs are the size of tree trunks!" I started running again, redoubling my efforts.

"Christ, girl, you're going to give yourself an ulcer like that."

"I've- got- to- lose- ten pounds!" I really am a fitness freak, sometimes.

"You look ready to collapse," he commented listlessly, climbing the steps to the castle. I took the opportunity to run up and down them. "Mind you don't hurt yourself and get me in trouble." Then he walked away. I decided it would be a better use of my time to do laps up and down the grand staircase for around an hour, so that's what I did next. You know, you see so many people when you're working out in plain sight. Near the end of the hour, Professor Lupin just happened to pop by.

"Nadia?"

"Oh- hi- Profess-ssor- Lu-Lupin!" I panted, ignoring the burning in... Pretty much my whole body.

"What are you doing?"

"Well-" I managed to work out (no pun intended-) "I-I gained- gained some weight," I paused for a deep breath, "and I-I started working out." I took another deep breath. "I th-thought I'd been d-doing alright, but then- then-" I dropped to the floor and started doing crunches. "Prof-Professor Snape, he- called- called me a cow- so now- I figure- I've got- got ten- well, maybe fifteen- pounds to- to go."

"Are you sure that's healthy?"

"N-no fucking idea!" I replied, trying to sound chipper. Instead I sounded constipated.

"Er..." He looked at me like I'd transformed into Bette Midler or something. "Good luck with it, then."

"Thanks!" I worked out with Professor Snape again today, too. Well, sort of. Not really. I was just starting out, and drinking an energy shake to give me a boost (since my muscles protested just about any kind of movement) when Professor Snape passed by on his daily walk.

"Mandrake sprouts, jarvey feathers, doxy poison, cake mix," he was muttering to himself over and over. "Mandrake sprouts, jarvey feathers, doxy poison, cake mix."

"Birthday party coming up, Professor?" I asked.

"Shut it."

"May I offer you an energy shake to boost your spirits?" I held the glass out to him.

Professor Snape stared apprehensively down at the shake. "You haven't slipped any roofies into this, have you?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at the drink.

"Only a bit," I replied.

"I'm not thirsty. Besides, I need mandrake feathers and jarvey sprouts- wait- was it white cake mix or yellow cake mix? Oh bloody sodding fucker fucking bugger shitfaced..." He muttered as he walked away. Well, he was certainly distracted. I hadn't known he had such a dirty mouth, but it wasn't exactly difficult to believe.

"Nadia! So we meet again."

"Hello, Professor Lupin. Care for a shag?"

"Hells yes! I mean, no, that's alright." Hey, imagination's a good thing. The second part was his real answer.

"That's too bad," I sighed. "Sex burns one hundred calories an hour and I could do with the break. Anyway, I've got to run: literally! Seeya later, sweet teets!" He had a rather confused expression as I sprinted away, which was just about the most amusing part of my day. And... Well, I exercised all day, skipped dinner, exercised some more, took a shower, and now here I am. Hopefully, if I boost my activity level to at least five hours a day, I'll be able to shed that ten or fifteen pounds in a couple of weeks. RIGHT! Okay, I need to do crunches.

May 10

One week, one fucking week, how much did I lose! Four pounds. FOUR. Fucker, I need to cut down on my serving sizes. Hmm... Maybe I'm just trying too hard? Getting psychotically obsessive?

...Nah. So, I went out running from breakfast to lunch, then collapsed on my bed for two hours, then went to visit Professor Snape and see if he fancied a jog. As I approached his office, I heard voices. It's so easy to eavesdrop on him that it isn't even funny. "Lupin, please leave me be."

"And I quote," Professor Lupin's voice drifted out, "'Professor Snape called me a cow, so now I've got fifteen pounds to go.'"

"Your point?"

"It's unhealthy, Severus! She spends all day running around like a lunatic, she skips meals, and I've got the sneaking suspicion that she's going to end up fainting, if she hasn't already."

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"Just take it back! You know she's not fat."

"Rather big hips, though."

"You like that body type."

"So?"

"So apologize! She'll end up an anorexic or something, trying to please you!"

"Lupin, you are sadly mistaken if you think anyone would try to please me."

"I can name at least three people."

"You're only so concerned because you want Nathanyel in your bed, you utter poof."

"SEVERUS!" Lupin growled. "I'm not fucking around!"

"Could have fooled me."

"For Christ's sake, Severus, just tell the girl she's thin!"

"Fine!" he growled. "I'll tell her she's a fucking stick, alright!"

"You'd better mean every Goddamned word!"

"I WILL!" Professor Snape stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Hello, Professor," I greeted.

"YOU ARE WASTING AWAY! EAT A BLOODY SANDWICH BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!" And then he stalked away.

"Well," I muttered to myself. "That was interesting." Professor Lupin walked out of the office, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Is that all settled, then?" he asked calmly. Alright. Professor Lupin is now officially a bipolar psycho.

"Yes. I'll go have a snack and a nap right now."

"You do that."

"I will." I'd never thought I'd find a gay man that scary, but there are new things to be learnt every day. Anyway, I fulfilled my promise and snacked and napped. I'm still going to watch what I eat, but... Maybe I'll tone it down. Just a bit. Besides, that should give me time to do some actual tasks.