Detention With Severus Snape

- - May 13 - -

Alright, here's the skinny. I'm a super stealthy ninja! No, just kidding. Two things happened in the past three days. First, Dad won't leave me alone, the silly bastard. Second, I received and sort of carried out another task. I did the task, but... It didn't turn out quite as planned.

It was the other day that I was heading down to the dungeons to ask Professor Snape a few things about the N.E.W.T. exams. I didn't even make it to the office when I saw him, prowling in my direction. "Professor!" I hailed.

"Go away," he growled. "I am expecting a visitor."

"Really? When?"

"Now."

"I just have a few questions-"

"Yoohoo! Mr. Beauregard!" NOOOOOOOOOO!

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," Professor Snape argued as Dad trotted up to us, thankfully not looking like an escaped mental patient. For the most part.

"Dad? What are you doing here now?"

"Oh, I just came to discuss the Wolfsbane potion with our dear potions master." He turned to Professor Snape. "Good to see you, Fonz."

"Shut up."

"Anyway, Severus, I was thinking-"

"Nadia!" Ginny came running up, looking excited about something. "Nadia, I just- Why hello Mr. Page." I rolled my eyes.

"Hello, Ginny. It's so nice to see you again." She gave him one of her flirtiest smiles. Oh, God. I couldn't believe she was doing that to me. And in front of Professor Snape, to boot.

"You, too, Mr. Page." She side-stepped a bit closer to him. "So, are you still married?"

"Yes."

"Goddammit." She stomped away without telling me what she had come to say.

"What a strange and frightening girl." Professor Snape snorted.

"Dad, you should be able to tell by now that everyone in this place wants to bend you over backwards." Ew. I couldn't believe I'd just said that.

"Especially that creepy Creevey boy of yours."

"Oh, gross." I knew he was just kidding, but still... Bad, bad mental images.

"Please, don't speak," Professor Snape grumbled, looking a bit green. Dad just grinned and winked at him.

"Now, about the Wolfsbane- I say we add hellebore." Snape reached up to massage his temples.

"Nathanyel, wouldn't that make the potion... Oh, I don't know... Explode?"

"Not if we stabilize it with doxy secretions. And the poisonous chemicals in the secretion would be neutralized by the wolfsbane, so all is well."

"My God... You're right! Let's go!"

"I'll see you later, Nadia."

"Come on, we've got work to do!" I watched them run off like little school girls and wondered... Where did I go wrong? Deciding that my questions would need to wait until later (being in the same room as Dad while he's experimenting with explosive substances is not a good idea) I went to look for Ginny. After all, it was probably something semi-important if she was so excited about it.

I found her after only ten minutes, talking to her boy, Mr. Hunk. "Hey, Ginny," I greeted. I looked over at the Hunkmeister. "Hello... You." He nodded at me. Okay, weirdo.

"Well, see you later then!" Ginny said to Hunkman, taking my arm and leading me off. "Thanks for saving me, the conversation was getting really awkward."

"Maybe because he doesn't know any English," I replied.

"I know," she sighed. "He's a transfer student. It's very exotic, don't you think?"

"Not particularly." We had made it to the court yard, where we sat down on the bench furthest away from everyone else.

"Well, I think it is. Besides, that's less time for talking and more time for the fun stuff." She winked.

"Right. Anyway, what were you going to tell me?"

"Oh, right!" Ginny exclaimed. "We've got a new task. Defend Professor Snape's virtue."

"...In what way?"

"By fighting another girl for his honor. I was thinking me or Luna, but we might be able to get someone else in on the deal. What do you think?"

"Hell, I'm ready to kick some ass any time of the day!"

"Good! Well, you have potions tomorrow, so I was thinking you could stage it after class."

"Sure thing. Then he'll be there to see it." She grinned.

"Precisely my thinking." So, at dinner we discussed the plan with Luna. She was all for it, but Colin sat out on the activities again. Baby. The plan was to pretend to fight Luna in the dungeon corridor after potions. I would wait for Luna's signal, then the altercation would begin. Snape would emerge to see what the trouble was, then hear my self- appointment as the official defender of his virtue. Hopefully, it would go off without a hitch.

Yesterday in potions class I remained inconspicuous, earning a few puzzled glares from Professor Snape. I was saving up my energy for the mock fight with Luna, who was sitting on the other side of the room. If we seemed like we were disagreeing with each other, then our little altercation would be more authentic.

In almost no time at all the bell was ringing and everybody was leaving class. Luna was the first one out, and I followed her soon enough. She stayed a good distance away in the corridor, waiting to give her signal. I was ready to carry out the task when someone bumped right into me and almost made me drop my bag. I turned around, a scowl on my face, to snap at whoever happened to be the culprit.

Persephone Wyatt. Disgusting Whore. "Oh, sorry! Teehee!" And yes, the "teehee" was actually said aloud. She got this dumb blonde puzzled expression on her face and brought her index finger up to poke her chin. "You know, you hang around Snape an awful lot."

"I noticed," I replied flatly.

"Why do you fancy him so much? I'll bet it's something good."

"It isn't."

"Is he rich?" I rolled my eyes.

"He's a teacher."

"But he's a pureblood, right? They're all rich! Except the Weasleys, that is."

"Sure."

"You know," she went on, starting to sound kind of sly, "the more I think about it, the more I realize that Snape's an untapped resource." I nearly dropped my books.

"...What?"

"You know, Page, you're not so dumb after all! I mean, picking up on something like that so early in the game- good for you! Now, if you'll kindly step aside, I think it's time you left an expert to do the job." I was outright staring, open-mouthed.

"You're going after him?"

"Of course! Oh, imagine the things he could buy for me! And you know, it can't be that hard. He's got to be some poor, lonely soul deep down, right? Wish me luck!"

"You tramp!" Just as Professor Snape was walking out of the room, and Luna was giving the signal.

"Oh, hello, Professor!" the bimbo chirruped in a falsely sweet voice. "That lesson today was so interesting!"

"Don't you walk away from me, you cheap floozy!" I stepped forward, grabbed her by her uniform's tie, and yanked upwards. "I won't let you put one tart-infested acrylic nail on my Severus!"

"Huh?" Professor Snape asked, looking rather lost.

"Get your grubby little paws off me, you dirty tomboy!" she snarled back, slapping me.

"Now you've crossed the line!" I let go of her tie and punched her with all my strength. She tried to jump back, though, so I got her in the (fake) breast.

"Oof!" She stumbled backwards into the wall. "Those were expensive you uncivilized neanderthal!"

"Get ready for a jaw reconstruction, gold digger!" I lunged at her and grabbed her by the hair, throwing her on the ground and landing a kick in her stomach. Hey, my Dad taught me to fight, and Pages fight dirty. Heheh, thank God for steel toe boots.

"CAT FIGHT!" sounded from the milling crowd, and soon there was a mostly male audience cheering us on.

"Er... No fighting," Professor Snape protested, though he still seemed rather stumped.

"Stay out of this!" I ordered. "I'm defending your virtue from this diseased, cock eating whore!"

"Wanker!" she snapped, kicking my legs out from beneath me and sending me tumbling. Snarling, she crawled on top of me and started pulling my hair. "I'll show you who's the whore!"

"Your boobs are saggy bags!"

"At least they exist!"

"RARHH!" I yanked on her ears, then flung my leg up and kicked her right in the crotch. And, contrary to popular belief, it really does hurt an extraordinary amount when you're hit in the vagina bone.

"Augh!" She rolled off me, clutching herself. I stood up and stomped down on her stomach, knocking the wind out of her, then dragged her up by her nipples. Ah, that was fun. "AIIEEEE!" The nips hurt a lot, too. "LET GO, DYKE!"

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! YOUR MOTHER LICKED MY PUSSY AND SHE LOVED IT!"I slammed her against the wall and gave her twin purple nurples. "SHE SAID, 'OH, DAMN, THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!'"

"RAAAAAHHH!" She flung her claw-like nails at me and scratched both sides of my face, causing me to stumble back, rather shocked at the blood that was dribbling down my neck. "HOW DARE YOU! YOUR MOTHER RUNS AROUND TOWN WITH MY FATHER'S PARTNER AT HIS LAW FIRM!"

"BITCH!" I punched her again, and this time I got her right in the jaw. She fell like a sack of potatoes, and didn't get up. Hah, I always keep a promise.

"Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod!" one of her girly little friends shrieked. "You manly brute!" I punched her out, too. You know, just for good measure.

"Jesus bloody Christ, Nadia!" Professor Lupin pushed his way through the crowd, followed by Professors Snape, McGonagall, and... Dumbledore. I sensed that I was about to face a very sincere punishment.

"Jesus fucking Christ is right," Professor Snape muttered under his breath. I shrugged, wiping some of the blood off my face.

"It's just a flesh wound," I replied. I was stared at a bit before I took note of the two unconscious girls on the floor. "Er... Well, they'll be alright."

"Miss Page!" Professor McGonagall looked outraged. Maybe because the other girl whose name I couldn't quite remember was a Gryffindor. "How dare you show such a flagrant disregard for school rules! And fist fighting! It's most unlady-like!"

"I was defending Professor Snape!" I protested. All eyes turned to Snape, who was covering his face with his hand and looking very embarrassed.

"That isn't true," he grumbled. "I don't need defending."

"But Wyatt was moving in on him! I couldn't have it!" Now there were several raised eyebrows directed towards me. "She's just a trampy little gold digger, anyway," I muttered. "And she struck first. Plus, she made me bleed. I don't see any bleeding down there."

"I don't see any movement, either," McGonagall snapped. Professor Dumbledore, meanwhile, had been scrutinizing the scene the entire time.

"Nadia, after Madam Pomfrey has taken care of your injuries, we'll have to have a talk." Fuuuuuuuuck. "In the meantime, Professor Snape will be happy to accompany you to the infirmary." I could see Professor Snape's expression, and it was definitely along the lines of "fuuuuuuuuck." So, I pushed through the excited crowd with Professor Snape, while Professor Lupin worked on getting Wyatt and her friend onto stretchers and McGonagall broke up the mob of students. We walked in silence for a few minutes, until Professor Lupin caught up to us with my victims.

"Gods, Nadia, what were you thinking?" he muttered. "This girl has a broken jaw!" HAH! I knew it.

"Well, let's just say I was blinded by a jealous rage." Professor Snape turned a bit red.

"You really do take after your father," he muttered, handing over a handkerchief.

"Though with a bit less grace," Professor Snape added quietly.

"Thanks," I replied, cleaning off my face and neck with the handkerchief. "You want this back?"

"Go ahead and keep it." More silence loomed. "Did he teach you to punch like that?" Professor Lupin suddenly asked, finally breaking through the sound barrier. Harhar.

"My dad, you mean?" He nodded. "Yeah." I wiped at my face with the handkerchief again. "He said I could use it if a boy tried to move in on me." I sighed; Dad was always a bit overprotective when it came to dating. "Professor Snape was excluded, of course."

"Of course," Professor Lupin agreed. Professor Snape grumbled something I didn't quite catch under his breath, though I could swear he mentioned pirates. "But you can't go around fighting everyone who rubs you the wrong way," Lupin added reproachfully.

"Yeah, but she had it coming." I wiped my face again. "Her and that empty head of hers. Harumph." Professor Snape looked as if he was trying not to smirk.

"Just like Nathanyel," Professor Lupin muttered, obviously not finding this a very encouraging fact.

"No," Professor Snape argued, really quite suddenly. "No, that's not true." Lupin raised his eyebrows a bit, but remained silent. I chose to do the same.

It wasn't much longer before we were in the hospital wing, and Madam Pomfrey was fussing about how reckless children are these days. I soon found myself in bed with bandages on my face and the two professors muttering to each other just out of earshot. A few more minutes, and Dumbledore had entered the scene. As I expressed earlier: fuuuuuuuuck. He muttered along with the other two before heading for me. I gulped. "Ah, Miss Page."

"Am I expelled?" I blurted out.

"No, no, you aren't." I let out a relieved sigh.

"That's a relief."

"Indeed it is. However, I will have to ask you to serve a week of detentions with Professor Snape. It should give you some time to straighten things out a bit, I daresay."

"Yes, that's true."

"I've informed Professor Snape that your detentions will serve as conferences. You and he are to talk and get to know both yourselves and each other much better. You'll need to take notes, as I expect two feet by the end of the week about Professor Snape." A report about Professor Snape. Heaven! "I'll require personal information, past experiences, personality traits, and evidence to support your arguments. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!" I answered, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically.

"Very good. I'll expect you to begin tomorrow. Professor Snape will set the time."

"Alright. Thank you again, for keeping me on." His eyes glittered a bit, with what looked vaguely like mirth.

"It's really my pleasure. Now, I really must be going. That latest challenge really has me stumped." He ran his fingers thoughtfully through his beard.

"Just be creative," I advised. "I wrote about Professor Snape dressing up in make up and singing along to 'Ziggy Stardust.'" He grinned.

"Ah, exquisite. Though, I don't think that's too far from the truth..." Humming a bit, he walked away, murmuring to himself about ideas for the latest challenge. After he'd gone, Professor Lupin came to talk to me.

"Alright then?" I nodded.

"A bit sore, but I'll live." Silence. "Is she going to be deformed?"

"No, I'm afraid not. However, there is something rather peculiar..." I raised an eyebrow. "You left a dent in her breast." I sniggered appreciatively.

"Oh, how sweet it is!" Professor Lupin cleared his throat.

"It isn't funny, Nadia," he scolded. I tried to look at least a bit sheepish, but I don't think I was pulling it off very well. "Someone could have gotten seriously hurt."

"A broken jaw doesn't count?" He sighed.

"Yes, but... I think you're missing the point." I tried to think of what the point might be.

"...No fighting?" I guessed. He sighed again.

"I really shouldn't even bother," he muttered, rubbing his forehead.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "I know I shouldn't let my temper get the best of me, or act so demented over Professor Snape. I realize he doesn't much care for it, but as I explained before... It's my duties as acting officer of the SSS."

"You really should forget the whole idea," he advised.

"I can't," I insisted. "We're almost through, anyway. You won't tell, will you?"

"I won't, as long as you do." There was a long silence between us in which a staring contest proceeded to take place. "Werewolves don't need to blink, ever."

"That's not true." About five more minutes passed, and I started to doubt my denial. Finally, I gave in. "Fine. I'll tell him. Hell, I'll even give him the journal. Satisfied?" He blinked, but didn't open his eyes.

"A bit," he replied tightly, trying to pry his eyelids open with his fingers. I laughed. "By the way, Severus wants you to drop by his office around half past seven." He at last got his eyelids open again. "For every detention. He was too embarrassed to tell you himself.'

"Thanks." So, that was settled.

Today, all I could think of was the detention. Ginny tried to convince me to do another task during it, but I refused. I just didn't want to ruin my chances of finding out Professor Snape's innermost secrets. When it was time to go, I was so excited that I peed all over myself. But not really.

"Professor?" I entered the office, looking around. Professor Snape was seated at his desk, a chair stationed at the other side.

"Sit," he ordered primly. I sat.

"So." His lips thinned, but he said nothing. "Let's get started."

"I'd rather not." I ignored him.

"Hmmm... I know! What's your middle name?" A low growl escaped his throat, and he glared at me. Ah, so I'd already stumbled onto dangerous ground. "I'll bet I can guess."

"Hmph," was the only reply. I pondered for a moment.

"Sirius?" Another growl.

"No."

"Orpheus?"

"No."

"Joseph?" I was joking, of course, in using the male counterpart of my own middle name.

"No." Apparently, he hadn't noticed.

"Nevio."

"No."

"Walter."

"No."

"Harry." A loud snort.

"No."

"Ginny!"

"No!"

"Julio."

"No." He was clearly becoming agitated.

"Alfonso." There was a deafening silence in the room, and I could tell I had hit the bull's-eye. I couldn't believe that I had actually guessed it, let alone that it was Alfonso. "Alfonso?" I repeated, unable to stifle a bit of laughter.

"Another topic," he hissed.

"Alfonso!"

"Ten points from Ravenclaw! And if another living soul hears-"

"Alright, Professor," I hurriedly agreed. "But you know... That makes your initials S.A.S." He gave me a blank stare. "Sass."

"Miss Page..." he warned in a dangerous tone.

"Alright, Professor." I sat and thought for a moment of what topic to try and breech next. Perhaps talking about myself would prompt him to open up? "What was your first kiss like?" He stiffened, his hands forming tight fists. I hadn't meant to bring something like that up, but... It was the first topic to come to mind. "Mine was rather awkward," I said, before he could start taking more points away. "With a Slytherin boy, a year older." I paused for a moment.

"Draco Malfoy?" he guessed, sounding melancholy.

"No," I answered. "Blaise Zabini." He blinked.

"Zabini?" He raised an eyebrow. Well, at least I had the man's interest.

"Yes. We were fighting, next thing I knew... Smooch! Come to think of it, Blaise and I never entirely got on together. He was a very contrary person, you know." He looked at me evenly for a few moments.

"I see." Well, that was disappointing.

"...What about you, Professor?"

"What?"

"Your first kiss."

"I'm not telling that to you." Bastard!

"Not anything?"

"It was bad. Now stop badgering me about it." Alright... I supposed it was time to move on to a safer topic.

"Would you like to pick a topic?" He crossed his arms and glared at me. Sullen, silly man. I thought of a topic that might appeal to him- perhaps Quidditch? "Did you play Quidditch for the Slytherin team?" I asked.

"I was a beater," he answered, sounding a bit pleased.

"Were you good?"

"Would I have gotten on the team if I wasn't?" he asked scathingly.

"You seem kind of thinly built for a beater." Beater, heheh.

"Apparently so."

"When did you join the team?" He hesitated.

"Seventh year," he grumbled.

"That's a bit late, isn't it?"

"I suppose so," he growled dangerously, sneering.

"How long did it take you to perfect that sneer?" My question was answered with a noise that sounded too menacing for me to want to pursue the topic. "Were you popular in school?" I asked.

"No," he snarled. This was obviously a sensitive topic for him.

"I've never been, either," I answered. "Ginny's the only person who's 'high on the social ladder' and actually treats me civilly. It's not that I mind, really. The rest of them are snobs, anyway." I just wish they'd stop torturing me about every tiny thing. Especially my feelings for Professor Snape. Those bitches will pay... Speaking of Professor Snape, he was silent, but he didn't seem quite as angry as before. So, I continued. "I'm glad I'm in seventh year, now. It means I don't have to be bothered by older students. There was this one girl, Padma Patil... She was such a snotty little brat." I frowned to myself. "Once she purposely ruined my entire potions essay and spilled all my black ink. I had to borrow someone else's ink and write the whole four feet over with- with-" I shuddered. "Pink."

"I believe I took points off for that." He seemed slightly less pleased with himself than I would have expected.

"Yes," I answered sourly. However, my disposition brightened when I remembered the following day. "I got her back, though. I jinxed her wand while she slept, and the next day everyone in her year was talking about how she turned everything she tried to charm or transfigure pink. And how she turned... well, you... pink. Got fifty points from Ravenclaw and a week of detention." I sat for a while, relishing my victory. "And a zero for the day. She was bawling her eyes out after classes, and I laughed right in her face!" Then I proceeded to laugh. The memory of that wonderful day still filled my heart with vengeful joy. However, I stopped when I realized how immersed in my tale I had been, and flushed a bit at seeing Professor Snape staring at me.

"I did not enjoy being turned pink," he muttered, frowning. However, his frown diminished after a moment. "Though, I did enjoy making Miss Patil cry." I grinned wildly; progress is a wonderful thing.

"Did you do things like that in school?" I asked carefully. He chewed on his lip for a moment.

"I did. But I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Oh, poo." There was a long silence. "Now what?"

"I have no idea," he snapped. "Has it been two hours yet?"

"Not even close." He growled lowly.

"Talk about yourself, then."

"Alright. Erm... Interests, yes. Well, I've always been fascinated by pirates-"

"That much is obvious," he snorted.

"Apparently so," I agreed. "I like to write stories. Mostly about men. Together."

"Yes, I'd gathered as much." That tick in his jaw was going off.

"Let's see... Erm... My mother's side of the family is Greek."

"I know."

"Well, by all means, you tell me my life story!" I snapped irritably. He raised an eyebrow. "Are you quite finished, then?" He nodded, looking close to slightly amused. Almost. "My godfather-"

"Was almost me." That made me shudder a bit.

"You shut up, now!" I insisted. He looked as if he was enjoying interrupting me at every sentence. "My godfather is NOT YOU, but my uncle. His name is Kristophoros, but we call him Kristo because the whole name's a mouthful, wouldn't you say?" He looked as if he would. "Don't. Anyway, he's a priest, an alcoholic, a complete lech, and a beekeeper. But he's a nice person, really, even if he does always forget to shave and smells like brandy, only a bit sweeter from the honey." Professor Snape remained silent. "Were you really almost my godfather?"

"Yes. I turned the offer down, of course. And, having been forced to spend most of the year in your company, Miss Page, I'm rather glad I did."

"Thanks," I replied. "My aunt is a gold digger, but she's nice enough if you're not within her sexual preferences or prospective financial bracket. My mother is a neurotic in desperate need of Prozac, though she's an excellent cook. I'm sure you know my father well enough, seeing as you were frolicking through fields of hypodermic needles for the duration of your school days-"

"I'll not tolerate that tone from you," he warned with a sneer.

"Goodness gracious," I proclaimed blandly. "Anyway, where was I?" He let out a low growl. Sexiness. "Oh, right, my dad. I was thinking about that and, you know, you owe me."

"Owe you what?"

"Information about my father that doesn't involve some sort of serious crime." He glared at me. "Fine, don't tell me. I'm sure Professor Dumbledore would be interested to know about your insistent silence."

"Alright. He used to sing like a fwooper. The impression was uncanny, but after a few hours people were shooting silencing charms at him."

"He still does that," I groaned. "He has a pet fwooper, too. He absolutely loves the things. He's a real bird person, but fwoopers are his favorites." My father can be rather embarrassing. "My mother's had to go to St. Mungo's five times that I can remember for rehabilitation." I could see a slight smirk starting to form on the professor's face. "I remember once," I continued, "he cast a dung producing charm on her mop. She nearly went mad when she tried to mop the dining room, and started screaming at him. He told her that he'd done it because the dining room floor needed to be fertilized so more chairs could grow." I chewed my lip, dwelling in the memory. "Ginny's father was sent in from the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts department, and had to file a full report. The next day, the incident was in that damned 'wacky story of the day' section of the Daily Prophet. The next week, when I went back to school, I was tortured about it until Halloween."

"He always was completely batty," Professor Snape muttered. "I remember he enjoyed the sensation of passing through a ghost. The Bloody Baron avoided him like the plague." He chewed his lip and I waited for more. "And he claimed that he could never lose a game of chess, as long as he played with his feet. The pieces didn't appreciate it, though." One could imagine.

"What else?" I asked.

"Once he went through Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and folded two of every animal in the book out of paper, then put them in the common room at night and animated them. He called it Slytherin's Ark. Our head of house called it a disaster and nearly expelled him." I shook my head.

"He has an 'Origami Room' in our house." It's actually quite a magnificent room- my father folded everything in it from colored paper, and he adds to it all the time. Origami was always one of his more prominent hobbies. "Anything else?"

"Plenty. His fourth year he bred puffskeins in an abandoned classroom because he had a cold. When it cleared up he set them free throughout the school, but he always kept one with him to lick up his bogies." My father is a freak. "One night I woke up and found one practically halfway up my nose." He grimaced. "Nathanyel named it Severus after that." I couldn't help but laugh, though Professor Snape didn't seem to appreciate it.

"That reminds me of the time he let some pigeons breed in the attic." I sniggered a bit. "When Mum went up there to clean, she completely lost it. I was trying not to laugh as the whole flock chased her around the house, though Dad wasn't trying at all." Professor Snape seemed to enjoy that little story. "Have you ever met my mother?" One couldn't be too sure. And, I was right about that; his face darkened and he scowled.

"Yes," he growled. "I don't much like her."

"Really? I hadn't noticed." He grunted. "So were you and Dad best buds or something?"

"Along those lines, I suppose."

"Went around making mischief?"

"Perhaps. Well, that's two hours, then." I blinked.

"Nooo."

"Yes." He pointed to a very complex and difficult to read clock on the side wall with five hands. "Good night, Miss Page."

"You too," I replied, not bother to protest.

Upon reaching my dormitory I flopped down on the bed with a long sigh and masturbated. No, kidding. That would be disgusting, because I'd just finished a conversation mostly about my dad. I just, you know, dropped dead. And wrote. Now I'm going to pee all over the ceiling.