Detention With Severus Snape

- June 10 -

So, I carried out that hourglass task and went to Hogsmeade for the last time. Sniff. First, the hourglass task. On the morning of the fifth, I woke up knowing exactly what I was going to do. I was going to get Professor Snape as he left the Great Hall after breakfast. However, when I arrived, he wasn't there. I hadn't expected Professor Snape to be late; in fact, he was never late for breakfast. Hm, strange. I sat down next to Luna and kept my eyes on the gigantic doors, waiting. Luckily, my patience was not in vain. It wasn't long before Professor Snape burst through the doors, growling. I had originally planned to be discreet, but then I decided... To hell with being discreet. It's the last month of the school year, anyway.

I jumped up, whipping my wand out and pointing it straight at him, shouting the incantation for the hourglass as if I in a duel. He froze, looking as if he expected to sprout an extra penis or something, then scowled fiercely. Apparently, he hadn't noticed the little hourglass half-full of tiny black stones (onyx, perhaps?) that had appeared over his head. Everyone else noticed, though, and they were all whispering amongst themselves, discussing what its purpose might be. "THIRTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!" Professor Snape roared, turning red.

"TWENTY POINTS FROM PROFESSOR SNAPE!" I roared back. Giggling spread throughout the Great Hall as twenty little stones jumped out of the hourglass and disappeared. Clenching his teeth very tightly, Professor Snape slowly looked up.

"ARRRRGH!" With that, he stormed from the room.

"Really, how immature. Ten points from Professor Snape for being such a big baby." There was a moment's hesitation before another enraged roar echoed through the halls. Laughter burst out amongst the students and staff, though I did get a few more points taken off for tormenting Professor Snape. I was very much looking forward to the rest of the day, seeing as I had no patrol duties at all, and thus a little extra time on my hands.

"Nadia," Luna muttered. "You can let other people take points from him, too."

"Really?"

"Yes." She nodded. "Just give them permission."

"Alright. I give you permission to give and take points as you see fit." I then ventured over to the Gryffindor table. "Ginny, Colin, I give you permission to distribute points to Professor Snape as you please." They both seemed very happy about that. "But try not to go overboard." At which point I looked directly at Colin. He coughed.

All through History of Magic I kept thinking about that lovely hourglass. As soon as the bell rang I ventured down to the ground floor, intending to catch Professor Snape on a trip to the kitchens or something. He soon emerged from the dungeons, his pace practically at a jog, grinding his teeth. Ginny and Colin were chasing after him. "TEN POINTS TO NADIA PAGE'S MANWHORE!" Ginny screamed. Ten little stones dropped into the hourglass.

"TEN POINTS FROM PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND!" Colin shouted gleefully. Really, I'd thought he was over that.

"TWENTY POINTS TO PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR HAVING A SEXY ASS!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs. Everyone in the immediate area was laughing heartily.

"FIFTY POINTS FROM EVERY ONE OF YOU!" Professor Snape burst out. "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS HUMILIATION!" The Ravenclaw hourglass, which currently had absolutely nothing in it but air, groaned ominously. Tons of jewels flew out of the other three hourglasses, finally leaving Slytherin to the lead.

"TEN POINTS TO PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR BEING A SEXY DOM!" I couldn't resist.

"DETENTION, MISS PAGE! DETENTION WITH FILCH! DETENTION WITH MCGONAGALL! DETENTION WITH ANYONE! NOW GO!" I just shrugged.

"Thirteen points to Professor Snape for being so damn cute when he's angry," I muttered, so only he could hear me. Then I hurried off to Charms before he could do any more shouting. On my way, just as an experiment, I murmured under my breath, "Ten points to the man I love." The distant sounds of a temper erupting drifted up to my ears, and I grinned wildly.

After that was Defense Against the Dark Arts, during which I got a wickedly clever idea. So, after class, I scurried up to Professor Lupin, still with my grin on. "I'll assume this has something to do with Professor Snape," he sighed.

"Remus J. Lupin, I hereby give you permission to give and take points to and from Professor Snape at your discretion. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!" He raised his eyebrows.

"Oh. Thank you."

"It's a very big honor," I informed him. "Well, off I go." I left, smiling to myself. I had a feeling that Professor Lupin would be a valuable ally in the hourglass war.

At lunch time, the hourglass was still floating over Professor Snape's head, and people were giggling madly. As soon as I walked in, I found out why. "Ten points for those lovely bedroom eyes, Severus," Professor Lupin announced, just loud enough for everyone to hear. Professor Snape had his jaw clenched, that wonderful tick of his acting up.

"And another ten for that pretty little tick in your jaw!" I piped up, taking my seat at the Ravenclaw table.

"Yes, and twenty points for your huge cock, Professor!" Ginny shouted.

"Ten for your sun kissed chocolate nipples!" Luna sang out, having picked up the phrase from me rather readily.

"Ten for your greasy hair!" Colin called.

"And ten for doing so well with your diet and exercise routine!" I added. The students were getting rather riled up. "I give permission to all staff, students and ghosts to control Professor Snape's hourglass!" That seemed to trigger an overflow of energy.

"TEN POINTS FROM PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR BEING A GREASY GIT!" Several Gryffindors shouted.

"TEN POINTS TO PROFESSOR SNAPE FOR TREATING THE GRYFFINDORS THE WAY THEY DESERVE!" Even more Slytherins shouted.

"Ten points from Professor Snape for giving me extra homework!"

"Ten points from Professor Snape for making me cry!"

"Ten points from Professor Snape for giving me a T!"

"Ten points from Professor Snape for being an ugly prat!" Professor Snape looked ready to start cursing people. But then...

"Ten points to Professor Snape for favoring Slytherin!"

"Twenty points to Professor Snape for treating Slytherins like people!" Even the teachers were getting into it.

"Ten points teh Professor Snape fer brewin' Fang that pepper-up potion!" Hagrid insisted.

"Twenty points from Severus for cutting holes in the chest of my best robes!" Professor McGonagall shrilled. "But ten to him for buying me a new set of robes to replace them," she added thoughtfully.

"Fifty points from Severus for shamelessly carrying on with a student!" Madam Pomfrey cried out. "But ten to him for being so sweet about it!" I blinked, surprised.

"Ten points to Severus for covering my midnight patrol shift so I could fill out my star charts!" Professor Sinistra piped up.

"Ten points to Severus for helping me trim my venomous tentacular!" Professor Sprout added.

"Ten points to Professor Snape for punishing these students properly!" Filch wheezed.

"Ten points to Severus for making the coffee in the staffroom!" Professor Vector ventured.

"Ten points to Snelling for his excellent essay on the goblin wars," Professor Binns wheezed senilely.

"Ten points for warning me when Peeves is feeling sexy," the Bloody Baron moaned. Alright, that was just creepy.

"Fifty points to Severus for brewing my Wolfsbane!" Professor Lupin proclaimed, jovially throwing an arm around his shoulders. Professor Snape was starting to look less angry, and more embarrassed.

"One hundred points to Professor Snape for being the best damn head of house in this God-forsaken school!" The head boy, a Slytherin, exclaimed loyally. There were shouts of agreement from the Slytherin table and several raised goblets.

"Two hundred points to Professor Snape for making me the happiest girl on Earth!" I swooned. "And another fifty for his love of the crimson tide!"

It was complete pandemonium. Stones were flying into the hourglass at an alarming rate, and the noise level in the room was past tolerance. Suddenly, Professor Dumbledore rose from his seat, holding up his hands for silence. Everyone immediately shut up and waited with bated breath for his punishment for our terrible behavior. "I believe my input should be given as well," he announced. "I say two hundred points to Severus Snape for all he has done for this school. And simply because I like him. And fifty points to Nadia Page for allowing me this opportunity to show my appreciation to our beloved potions master. Now, let us all think no more of this and tuck in." With that, he waved his wand, causing the practically overflowing hourglass to float away to who knows where. Well, at least Ravenclaw had some points in the hourglass.

As everyone went back to eating, Professor Snape, who still looked extremely embarrassed and was blushing adorably, slowly stood and walked out of the Great Hall. His footsteps echoed as everyone silently watched him. I decided to wait about ten minutes before following him. I went down to the dungeons and stuck my head through his office door, grinning. He didn't see me, since he was on the floor behind his desk- I could see his feet sticking out. "Yoohoo!" I called in a good impression of Dad. He popped his head up, an enveloped held securely in his mouth. As soon as he saw me, though, he spat it out and stood up, scowling. "That was awfully nice, wasn't it?"

"No."

"Everyone loves you," I taunted.

"Your detention will be tomorrow night at ten with Filch."

"Please, can't I serve detention with you?"

"No."

"Please? It can be you and me and Dad and we'll have loads of fun."

"Get out!"

"Pff. Fine. See if I care that you don't appreciate me." So I left. And, just for a change of pace, I went up to the dormitory to study. Horay!

Next morning was Hogsmeade weekend, so I ran on down to the entrance hall to meet Colin, Luna, and Ginny, since I'd woken up late. The three of them were standing over to the side, discussing the SSS in low voices. "Nadia, are you up for any more tasks for the SSS?" was the first thing Ginny said to me.

"Depends," I replied.

"This is going to be the very last one. After this... Well, you haven't got long to get a kiss from him, you know."

"I know." The crowd started filing out, and soon we were walking across the grounds. "So, what's this last task going to be?"

"Well..." She looked over at Colin and Luna, who were keeping their faces carefully neutral. "Your next love letter... We'll send Luna's owl, Snork, to deliver it."

"And?" I prompted.

"And you'll ask for a reply from him," she said quickly. I stared.

"Are you sure? What if he finds out it's me?"

"There's that chance... But it isn't very likely." It seemed like a good idea. And I had been wondering what Professor Snape thought of the raunchier letters.

"Alright, then. I'll do it." After that, we changed the subject of conversation. Once we got into Hogsmeade, Ginny and Luna went off on their own to give Colin and me some time alone.

"So. You still have the hots for Snape?" That was Colin, of course.

"Yes." He wrinkled his nose. "Hey, the man is sexy! I can't help it if he has buns of steel. Well, maybe not steel, more like... I don't know... Sweet, sweet candy. Damn."

"I'd rather not discuss the chemical makeup of Snape's 'buns,' thank you." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You know, you're sort of different now."

"What, you don't like me anymore?"

"No, I still like you. I was just saying."

"Oh." We walked in silence for a while, looking in shop windows and snorting with contempt at very stupid people. You seem to encounter a lot of those when you're out in public. Anyway, it was nice. And then I spotted Denis.

"Hey, look, Colin! It's your brother." He was walking along with some other Gryffindor boy. "Who's he with?"

"That's Euan Ambercrombie. He's in fourth year." Colin glanced at them, then shook his head and turned the other direction. "Dunno why he hangs out with him so much." I quickly found out when I caught sight of them holding hands and slipping into a part of town that was very popular for students to go snog in. I decided not to tell Colin.

Eventually, we stopped off in a book store. I wandered over to the used book section, since they're always so cheap, and then something very weird happened. I came across a very interesting book (The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, yum) and started looking through it. Then, when I flipped to the back, there was writing on the inside of the cover. "Property of Lucius V. Malfoy, Sex God." It was really, really creepy. So, I bought it, with every intention of showing it to Draco. Dad would probably be interested, too. In the meantime, though... I'd read it. Of course.

Colin and I were getting on very well, and soon we rejoined Ginny and Luna for drinks at the Three Broomsticks. We discussed things to put in the last love letter, then the subject turned to (what else?) the exams. Augh. After we got back I went straight to bed.

I spent every day up to today studying furiously, concentrating the most on Charms and Potions. The Charms N.E.W.T. is the first one I'll be taking, and that's in... Hmm... Three days. Frigger! That probably isn't a real word. Oh well. Anyway, I stayed up almost until midnight studying, and once I'd finished, I decided that a nice, warm bath in the prefects' bathroom was in order. So, down I went, ready for a nice soak. However, upon reaching the bathroom...

Professor Snape. In bath. Naked. Thank God for unisex! Huzzah! And he didn't notice me walk in, either. He actually looked as if he was taking a nap. I wondered briefly if Moaning Myrtle was playing the voyeur, as well, but immediately came to the conclusion that she must be and thought no more of it. Goodness. I could see his goods through the water! Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. To quote my fake orgasm.

Watching him nap in the bath was making me want to join him. I knew it would be wrong, though. I knew I should just leave and not come back. But, more than anything, I wanted my Goddamned bath. "Professor?" I muttered. No response. "Professor?" I said a bit louder. Still no response. So, being my wicked self, I crept up to him and clapped loudly in his ear. With a snort, he woke up.

"Huh?" he murmured blearily. "Nafunnel?"

"Alright, that nafunnel shit's getting really old. Time to get up, Sevvie-poo, I've got a bath to take." Slowly, he turned to face me, the perfect picture of dazed shock.

"...No. I... I'm having a nightmare."

"I'm afraid not, sweets. I'm real, and I saw your goods. Again." He started turning his trademark shade of maroon. "Don't worry, I won't look anymore. I just wanted to let you know that I refuse to allow you to hog the tub. So, unless you want to share it, you'll have to get on down to bed. I doubt you'll want to share it, though. In which case, I'll be waiting outside for you." I turned and marched out of the bathroom to wait. A very loud string of curses drifted out of the bathroom after me, but I ignored it. Eventually, Professor Snape showed up, fully dressed and dripping wet. He smelled like... Flowers. I've no idea what kind.

"Detention," he whispered dangerously. "And fifty points from Ravenclaw."

"With all due respect, sir, I'm a prefect. Which means, I retain the right to use the prefects' bathroom whenever I wish. You, however, are a teacher. Which means, you aren't supposed to be using the prefects' bathroom at all. So, really, you're the one at fault here. Besides, people are going to wonder in the morning where that fifty points went, and I don't think it will be very comfortable for you to try to explain your precarious position." He glare at me.

"Very well," he conceded. "Fifty points to Ravenclaw. And two detentions. Trust me, Miss Page, I'll work you so hard that you won't even be able to see your N.E.W.T.s."

"Whateva, girlfriiieeend!" I triple snapped, then went into the bathroom. I listened to Professor Snape swear some more before slipping into the bath, since he hadn't bothered to drain it. Mmmm, essence of Snape.