Detention With Severus Snape

* ~ October 3 ~ *

Alright, so I didn't have much time to spare for words yesterday. I think I was descriptive enough, though. Right? Huh. Well, anyway, I suppose I'll start from the detention, which was with, of all people, Filch. Can you say, "Anal-retentive?" He made me polish every suit of armor on the second floor, and honestly, he's like my mother! Every other minute it was, "You're supposed to rub in circles," or "You missed a spot," or "You call that clean? It's filthy!" Really, I was about to shove the can of polish down his scratchy little throat, the bastard.

Ahem. So, I was on my way back to Ravenclaw tower when I passed by the infirmary, and who should I see but Professor Snape! Of course, being the kind and gentle soul that I am, I supposed at the time that an apology would be appropriate. Apparently, though, he wasn't in the mood for apologies. The moment the word "Professor" came out of my mouth, he whirled around and practically bit my head off.

After, "Damn students always badgering me," I sort of tuned him out and just waited for him to be on his way. Near the end of it, I thought I heard him say something that sounded suspiciously like, "Your mad bastard of a father," but I can't be too sure. He was probably just ranting randomly by that time. Eventually, he fell silent, glared intensely at me, and stalked off. He was muttering to himself. Now I'm sure that he's either at least a little insane or ritually consuming some type of illegal substance.

Filch and Snape weren't the only ones being ungrateful swine. Mostly, it was Colin. Ah, Colin: THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. Bastards, all of them. Perhaps I should elaborate, though. I'll try to ignore the pain and humiliation of recounting the events of such a sensitive subject.

So, I was sitting outside by the lake with Luna, discussing our latest Transfiguration assignment. It was really tough; I don't know what McGonagall was thinking. But anyway, we were sitting outside together when I saw Colin and Ginny heading our way, talking about... I don't know, something. They walked over to us, sat down, and smiled wickedly. In sync. Which is always a bad thing, no matter who you're talking about.

"We've got a new task for you," Ginny said. I could tell it was a tough one, from the way she was saying it.

"Well, what is it?" I wasn't in the mood to beat about the bush.

"You see," Colin started, grinning, "Peeves has stopped up all the toilets in the dungeons, including Snape's."

"And?"

"And the faculty toilets, as well. All the teachers have to use the student bathrooms."

"Aaaand it's very convenient for the next task," Ginny added. I waited patiently. "You'll walk in on him, you know... Doing his thing!"

"And how will this-"

"It's funny," she interrupted. I turned to Colin.

"And what are you so happy about?"

"Oh, well..." He cleared his throat a bit. "Once you see Snape's thing... Well, it's got to be disgusting, right?"

"Uhuh. Right." Back to Ginny. "And how am I supposed to just walk in on him? I don't know where or when he'll be going."

"Colin overheard him complaining about how he has to do patrol duty on the fourth floor. And, everyone knows that there's only one bathroom on the fourth floor."

"Plus," Colin interjected, "he drank a lot of tea."

"If we hurry, we can catch him." Ginny grabbed me and tried to pull me up. I just went along with it and let them drag me into the castle and to the fourth floor. Luna was strangely silent the whole time.

Ginny and Colin played lookout for me, while Luna waited for me. When I asked Ginny why she was so enthusiastic about this task, I was quite surprised by the answer. "I heard one of the Slytherin girls saying that it was cut, and I was just curious. That's all." I decided not to ask how that certain Slytherin came across such information and instead focused myself on the task ahead. It wasn't long before Professor Snape was walking down the corridor and made a beeline for the men's room. That was my cue, so Luna pushed me forward and we all gathered around the door while I braced myself. I had the sinking feeling that I was going to be physically injured when I entered the bathroom.

With a deep breath, I stepped through the swinging door. And stopped. And stared. He was using a urinal... And Ginny was right. He was cut. And... There was only one word to describe it. WOW. Yes, in capitals. I couldn't move, I couldn't blink; I could only stare. And he didn't even notice me! Probably because it took a lot of concentration to aim that magnificent beast... I was thoroughly enjoying the view when Ginny came waltzing in. "Hey, what's taking so- oh, WOW! Look at that, it's- just wow!" He froze. He closed his eyes very slowly, then opened them and looked at us. Signal shit hitting fan.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

"Could we touch it, sir?" Believe it or not, that was Ginny.

"GET OUT!" We turned heel and ran as fast as we could, all the way down to the entrance hall and back out of the castle. We practically flew out of there, Luna and Colin on our heels. Detention awaited us for sure. Anyway, when we finally stopped to catch our breaths I decided to ask Ginny just what was going through her mind.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I asked. "Have you completely lost your mind?"

"No," she answered indignantly.

"I thought you hated Snape!"

"I did- I do. I mean, he's ugly and greasy and all... But did you get a load of that cock? It was bloody magnificent!"

"Alright. I agree with that." I paused. "Damn, that was- Damn."

"He was hung like a horse," she agreed.

"Forget the horse, I'd ride him any day." And, of course, Colin got angry *cough*jealous*cough*.

"What are you talking about?" he complained. "That's disgusting! How could you? I mean- augh! Where are your standards?"

"I happen to have very high standards," I answered. Ginny was too busy drooling over the memory of Snape to say anything. Not that I blamed her.

"Oh, yeah right! You're busy chasing after a greasy bastard like Snape, but- but... But..." He trailed off, going quite red in the face. Ginny and Luna had the good grace to back away, out of hearing range.

"But what?" I crossed my arms, waiting for him to say something. Anything!

"But... He's ugly, alright!"

"In comparison to whom?" I insisted.

"Well- anyone!" Colin is such a doof. Really, he just cannot pick up a hint.

"Really? Anyone?"

"I'm better looking!" I looked at him for a very long time. He turned even more red.

"...So you're saying... What, exactly?" I'll be damned if I give in.

"Nothing." He turned around and fled. ASS. What a doofy mcwimperton. And hey, I didn't make that phrase up. My dad did.

So, at breakfast today I got a letter in the post giving me another detention with Filch, along with a letter from Dad. And... I could have died of embarrassment. Apparently, sneaking a peek at a teacher's goods warrants writing to parents, because he mentioned it in the letter. And he thought it was funny! I could just imagine him, opening the official school letter, laughing his ass off with Mum scolding him for being too loud or something. And here's a little bit of trauma from the letter: "Well, if I'd known you were that enthusiastic, I'm sure I could have arranged something with the headmaster! Hah!" My. Father. Is. Dead. Right now.

And, of course, things did not improve at all throughout the day. We had Transfiguration and handed in our papers, and when I handed mine in McGonagall gave me one of her "You're a disgraceful piece of shit" looks, which I knew meant that the whole staff must know of yesterday's incident. Dammit. And, of all the people to run into in the hallway after such a thing! Headmaster Dumbledore himself! And he actually looked at me as if he were amused! More trauma. Well, Blaise Zabini always said he was a dirty old man.

...No more mentioning Blaise, then. Time for bed.