Taion

Forty five  minutes and two cigarettes later, I've finished exploring and am heading back to the bus. Both Zack and Rian are outside. Rian sitting on one of the metal steps and Zack is (unsuccessfully) skating around on a patch of dirt. 

As I approach, Rian holds up a hand -a universal sign of greeting- before holding up one finger and saying. "Be back in a bit. I'm going to get something to eat. Want anything Zack? Envy?"

I wrap my arms around my stomach self consciously and shake my head the same time Zack asks for a water. Rian nods and disappears inside. It's the second time I've been alone with Zack today and I'm hoping he won't say anything else harsh to me.  It would actually be best if he didn't speak at all, but luck is never on my side. 

I take Rian's seat on the bus's metal steps.  

"Rian said you didn't each much this morning." I think he realizes his skateboarding is pointless on this terrain and he picks up the board before walking over to me and setting it down before sitting on it. His knees are almost level with his chest, despite his seat and his arms are resting on his knees. He's wearing jeans and two shirts: a short sleeve over a long sleeve. It's really cold -just the beginning of fall. 

"What's it to you?" I look at the sky and notice how the clouds are scuttling by. 

"You know damn well we worry about you. That I worry about you." He pauses, looks at me but with eyes squinted because of the sun. "Funny. You smell like smoke."

I shrug, staring again at Rian's shoes and awkwardly turn my feet inward, my knees together. "I may have had a butt or two." I'm not sure why I let that slip, but he doesn't answer and I know the cogs in his head are turning and he's thinking, What a muck up. This kid can't do anything right. 

I try to make it up to him. "Just to calm my nerves. Nothing else. Serious. I hadn't had one in," I count on my fingertips, "Five months. I deserved it." He doesn't speak and I'm feeling desperate. I wanted him to know the truth, but I wasn't counting on it to blow up in my face like this. 

"Zack?" My voice is low. "Zack, please."

As I'm getting my last phrase out, Rian returns. I move out of his way as he comes down the steps and tosses a water to Zack. Zack nods his thanks but instead stands up quickly, grabbing his board and announces, "Thanks, Rian, but I've changed my mind. I want a real drink."

He passes by us, taking the steps with a spring in his foot, as if energized. I stare at his back, longingly. "Zack..." I try again, but he ignores me. The door swings shut behind him. 

Rian turns to me and sighs, running a hand over his head and glaring at me sternly. "What did you do? I swear, if we have a drunk bassist tonight, I'm going to be seriously pissed with the both of you." 

"I'll fix it." My voice is pleading, and his look turns softer. He sighs again, before enveloping me in a bone crushing hug. 

"I have no idea what's going on in your mind right now, Phoenix," he starts, "but whatever it is, you've got to quit this. Everyone's running around in circles for you, dude. We're all at the end of our rope." He lets me go. 

I stare at him, blank faced, and he returns it with a pitiful look of not knowing what to do. I always receive this look. I bite my lip, and I notice I feel a bit naked without my piercing. "I'm sorry," I murmur. 

He smiles a bit, the left corner of his mouth pulling up a bit higher. "'S okay, kid. Though I think you need to go talk to Alex and Zack more than me." 

I nod. "I'm going now." 

"Okay." He turns away before taking a bite of the sandwich he's spent his time making. With a full mouth, he says, "Do you smell smoke?" His words are muffled, almost incoherent, but I make them out. 

"Nope." I pop the 'p' and shake my head. "I'll talk to you in a bit."

The inside of the bus is surprisingly clean, but the sandwich meat and such is still sitting on the counter. Along with the water bottle. It's already got condensation forming on it and I quickly put it back in the fridge. 

"You okay, Phoenix?" It's Jack. "You seem tense." 

I ignore the question. "Where is Zack?"

"Dunno. In his bunk, maybe? He went that way. Why?"

"Gotta talk to him." I snap. Jack doesn't seem to mind, and just calls after me, "Alex wants to talk to you, too, but he's in the shower now."

I nod, to say that I've acknowledged it, but open the sliding door to the bunks before closing it again. I look up, and there he is: his hand is lazily tossing over the side of the bunk, holding the neck of a bottle. His other hand is lifting a a ten pound weight. I've learned over the time that there is hardly a moment that Zack doesn't have either his bass or weight in his hand. His chest is bare and I notice his shirts tossed on the floor carelessly. On his lap is a book, but you can tell by his expression that it's not holding his attention very well. 

"Rian said he didn't want you drunk..." I mutter, slipping off the Vans and sitting on my bunk. It's directly across from his, only on the bottom. "For the show, ya know."

"You reek. Take a shower and maybe I'll talk to you." He doesn't look at me, but I know all of his attention is focused on me. 

I softly reply, "Alex is in the shower." 

"Change then. Go brush your teeth. I bet your mouth stinks of cigarettes."

I don't object, because I want him to forgive me. Zack's never been really angry at me before. Not to the point of walking away when I'm trying to apologize. I'm ready for us to be normal again. More than normal. But I won't go there. 

I strip my shirt and toss it on the ground before reaching for another. A clean one. It doesn't take me long to feel the eyes on my back. I try to ignore him, but he's making me uneasy. Self conscious again. "Um..." 

"What's that?" He's trying, bless him, to fill up the awkward silence. I turn towards him, shirtless. 

"What?" My cheeks are pink, I know it. I feel hot and embarrassed. His eyes quickly flick over me and I try to hold back at over analyzing the situation. He's just curious. He's not looking at me that way, but I still want to know what he's thinking. 

"The scar." He's dropped the weight and is now sitting up, turned towards me. He touches his shoulder blade and it takes me a moment to realize he's talking about the crescent bite mark on my shoulder. The one that's scared and healed in a pale white patch. 

"Nothing. It was a rough night." I grab a random shirt and turn away,  pull it over my head.  I still feel his eyes, practically flames licking at my back. 

"She must have been pretty wild." I smirk. How wrong he is. In so many ways. I'm looking down, undoing my belt and tossing it in my bunk before unbuttoning my jeans, unzipping them. 

"He." I correct. "He. I was the bitch." I'm quite. I don't know why I told him that. Not when Alex doesn't even know about that. 

I think Zack was drinking when I confessed that because I hear him choke, cough. "Wh-what? But two months ago...with Ross's sister...Vivian." He's confused. 

I slip off my jeans and step out of them as I shrug. I'm pulling up a new pair and redoing my belt when I answer. "This," I lightly read behind and touch my shoulder blade, "wasn't for pleasure. I assure you." I laugh. "Quite the opposite actually. I didn't have a choice."

He's quiet, and I'm leaving to go brush my teeth like he said when he answers. "Like rape?" 

I  run a hand through my hair before grabbing onto a handful of it. "Drop it, Zack." I left him sitting on the bunks, blank faced while I go brush my teeth. When I return, he's back to his book, but it's frowning at it, obviously mulling something over. 

"I don't know anything about you, do I?" 

Its my turn to look troubled. "It's not exactly in your job quota, you know, as bassist for the band...." I wave my hand. "Anyways, it's nothing. Let sleeping dogs lie, yeah?" 

I'm turning my back on him, going back through my pockets for my piercing; I'd forgotten it was in there. I place it safely on the shelf in my bunk. "C'mere."

I turn back, looking at him over my shoulder and he's back in the position before: legs swung over the side of his bunk and staring at me intently. Both of his hands are gripping the neck of the bottle and his knuckles are white. I raise an eyebrow. "Are you drunk?"

He smirks, but shakes his head. "I can keep my alcohol. Jack and Rian on the other hand...." He tsks as if about to reveal a large secret, before shaking his head as if in disbelief. 

"You look like your about to break the bottle." I pause. "Are you sure your alright?" 

He loosens his grip and leans backwards to place the bottle on the shelf in his bunk. I cant help but notice his abs rippling and I quickly busy myself by nearly placing Rian's VANS next to his bunk. I look back up at him when I'm done arranging the footwear. "Seriously. Come up here." he swings his legs back in his space and slides back as far as he can, making room for me. I clamber into the already cramped space, using the bunk below as a ladder. 

"I'm here." As soon as the words leave my mouth I feel like an idiot. He knows that. He's not blind. He can see that I'm sitting right beside him, me facing him. "Oh God, that was really stupid to say." I moan, face-palming and leaning forward slightly.  "Thank you, Captain Obvious." I mock myself before springing back up and looking  at him.

He's amused, smiling at me before letting out a laugh. "Yeah, yeah. Your a loser. It's established. Scoot up and turn around, kid." 

I'm confused, and still a bit annoyed at him for calling me 'kid', but I do what he says anyways, turning around cautiously. "Don't call me that." 

"Psh. I'm twenty two. I can call you kid if I want." He's moved closer to me and adjusts himself so he's comfortable. I, on the other hand, am quite uncomfortable. My hearts quick and I feel jumpy at such a close proximity. He seems to notice. "Relax." I can hear the smile in his voice, "Kid." 

I snort, knowing he added that in there for a good joke. I childishly turn around and stick out my tongue before turning back around. My heart feels faster now, and it has good reason to be. He's lifting up my shirt. I panic, pulling away and locking my arms to my side, preventing him from pulling it up any more. "W-what are you doing?" Blush is creeping onto my face and I turn around quickly, backing into his bunk's wall. 

He clears his throat awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck before looking at me. "I wasn't going to hurt you, you know. I just want to see." 

I'm rigid, untrusting. 

"Trust me." I don't move. He sighs. "Relax, Phoenix." I nod once, averting my eyes and he touches my arm lightly. "Hey, look at me." My eyes dart up. "Seriously. I'm not here to hurt you."

"Okay." My reply is unsure, but I slowly turn around again and let my shoulders relax. He waits a moment, before pulling my shirt up again, slowly, as if I was fragile -damaged goods. Which I guess, seeing on what'd I'd told him just a few moments ago, he would consider me as such. 

"You don't smell so strong now." He states. "Except for your hair. It stinks like smoke." I don't reply, because he's trying to make casual conversation and make me more comfortable. 

My shirt is pulled up to my neck now, giving him full view on my back and I freeze as I feel his calloused fingers tracing over the scar. He reaches up and squeezes my shoulder, as if telling me I'm okay, while he sucks in a breath. I know he's shocked by it: it's small, but prominent. The skin is pale and not as smooth, it's slightly raised. It was once torn skin, an animalistic bite mark. 

He pulls his fingers away, traces a different scar. One on my lower back, but I can't remember how I'd got that one. "Who did it?" I know he's talking about the bite mark. 

I shrug, a bit more at ease. "Him. He was one of the regulars that visited me. But he's gone."

Zack leans forward, places at kiss on the scar and I freeze, attempting to pull away again, but he holds me still. "Stop. I didn't hurt you. You've got to calm down, bro." I don't say anything, waiting for my arteries to quite pumping so much blood, waiting for my anxiety to subside. Then he says in a softer tone, "You didn't deserve this, you know." He hugs me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder and smiling. 

I pull away slightly, pulling down my shirt. "I know. But it happened. That's life." My voice escapes as a whisper, and I avert my eyes from him as I slowly climb down from the bunk.