I'm Swimming I'm Drowning

My breaths are slow and labored.We walked out on the pier, out into the ocean at night. The wind blew his hair sideways. I looked over at him while he smiled at the floor boards.

We walked a few more feet until we reached the end. He looked up at me then; for reassurance. I nodded and he sat down at the edge next to me.

“Just get in Mikey.” I told him softly.

He unbuttoned his winter coat and slowly let it drop behind him on the pier. I picked the coat up to sit behind him instead.

Rubbing his bare arms, “Are you cold?”

He ignored me for a minute. Then proceeded to pull off his boots and socks.

“Yes.” He set his shoes and socks with the coat off to the side of us. “I’m cold.”

He stared down into the dark water. It was deep. It is black down there. “Can we go back to bed?”

He’s afraid. It’s dangerous. I rested my chin on his shoulder as he looked down still, and he knows we can’t. I put a hand on his back, not that I meant to push him off...Maybe. He turned away from the open water and clung to me, he started to cry. So I held him to my chest.

“Are you scared?” I whispered into his hair.

He fisted my shirt tighter and told me yes. So I scooted us up to the very edge of the pier, so our feet could dip in. I was shaking in those moments too.

“You’re gonna go far away forever, Mikey.”

“I can’t swim Gerard.”

Learn. I pushed him off me. He struggled to keep his head above the water. Keeping his head tilt back, his hair dripped like ink with the dark water.

“Gerard,” he shrieked out.

I’m sorry brother. Really I was. I watched him as he panicked. Water was landing on my pants from his restless splashing; soaking them through to my skin.Things are happening so fast, I shut my eyes to his cries and pleas. He wants me to save him. It’s over I hope? Splashing. Screaming. Gasping; He learning to swim. I open my eyes to see him swim. Except he isn’t there.

“Mikey?” Mikey where did you go?

I was only teaching you how to swim. I get into the water to search for him, he was right here. Holding my breath, I go under. I’ve never really like doing this but, I open my eyes under the water. There he is. Sweet, sweet Mikey. But no, he’s not okay. No I know he looks horribly wrong. Don’t die Mikey. He’s not right. Mikey why do you keep going down? I have to swim back up for a quick breath. Going back down, I try to get to you fast, like I’m a merman Mikey. Or even a lifeguard, like on that show Mikey. You know where they save all those people, we watched it and I hope you remember it. I’m gonna do that for you Mikey, I’ll save you now.

And I did. But Mikey was changed. He didn’t like me after I saved him.

I remember Mikey used to always tell me, “don’t let any of those people make you feel messed up, you’re perfect.” After he would promise that he’d love me forever. Mikey that was such a lie.

Dear Mikey,
Please come tell me you love me now. It’s been eight days since I saved you from that dark deep water, Mikey you were going to drown, did you know? Anyways, I saved you, and now you need to love me. I love you, come play with me? Oh I don’t like this feeling. You’re away from me, it’s wrong and bad and not right and really not good at all. All these feelings scare me Mikey. Am I in trouble? Because I’ve been thinking about how I saved you. Yes, Mikey, if you’re wondering like the lifeguard show. I don’t know why you didn’t think it was cool, Mikey. I think that was last Monday night, I had to let this guy help you. He carried you into his house, Mikey it was cool he lives right on the sand. I didn’t ant him to do that though, for him to touch you. But he was running around and talking loudly, he was so confusing Mikey. He said you needed help, yelling and yelling at me the whole time. Mikey! Duh, that’s why I saved you! He didn’t understand me Mikey, like always. So I just followed him then he dialed 911. Those workers rushed in his house, and they put you on their bed. I dunno Mikey; I was really scared because they were hitting your chest. Sort of like the lifeguard but they weren’t even wearing the right outfit. You spitted up water, I turned my face. Mikey that’s just gross. They all stopped and then I went over to you, I was excited! You were awake and I told you how I saved you. Ugh, but you didn’t even care Mikey! All you did was cry and ask me why I did it. Did what Mikey? So I guess I am in trouble. Is that why I haven’t seen you for so long? Well I have seen you through this little window here Mikey. Sometimes I see you in the car, or talking to the neighbors in our lawn. Is that why when I open the door to come out and see you, it doesn’t open? Just give me one more chance, Oh Mikey, how I wish I never did what you said I did. I wish this lady wouldn’t come in here. Bringing me food and washing me. I want her to stop forcing me to swallow things. I wish it wasn’t so hot in here all the time, when outside it looks so nice and cool. I just can’t sleep. I wish you were in here to play with me. It’d be better if I could just come out there with though, juss sayin. Okay Mikey, I’m done now okay Mikey? Well I want to write more to this, like ask you when can I come out? What if say I’m sorry? But it’s noon time so that lady with the cart is gonna come here soon, I don’t think I want her to see this Mikey.

If you said you still loved me, I’d say I still love you more.
XO g.

Gerard got up from the small bed, to go over to the window on the opposite side of the small room. Gerard hates the smell of this room, so old and dusty. Looking out the window, Gerard watches his brother pull up into their driveway. It makes him sad. Gerard hopes this will work, as he opens the rather heavy window and drops his letter down outside. The nurse comes in with her cart.

Mikey is just shutting the driver’s side door to the car; it’s been a long day. He’s walking the path to the front door, when out of the corner of his eye he can see something white fall from the house. Mikey stuffs his keys in his pocket, and walks across the lawn to where he saw the white thing fall. It annoys him. Picking it up, he realizes it’s and envelope. Mikey looks up to see where it came from, but he saw it fall directly from the house. So it didn’t just blow in. Gerard’s window is directly above him. Before Mikey can suspect anything, it’s already being confirmed to him once he’s opened it. Mikey knows what Gerard’s handwriting looks like, Gerard used to write songs and show them to Mikey all the time. They were always very sweet. Mikey puts a hand to his forehead halfway through reading the thing to wipe the sweat off. It doesn’t really seem all that nice and cool outside to him right now as Gerard says it is. But still, it makes Mikey feel bad about what he’s doing. When he’s finished reading his letter, when Mikey looks up to the window and Gerard is smiling at him. Head in palms with elbows resting on that dusty old windowsill, like a child. All Mikey can think is what have I done?

How could Mikey have let them make him believe Gerard was bad, that he knew what he was doing? Gerard has never known the reality of his actions, and Mikey has always lived by that fact. It’s just this time Gerard took it a little far, was just too far gone in his mind that night. What Gerard did was rational to him, when in the real world Gerard just as easily could have killed Mikey. And it seems to Mikey, that’s what everyone was telling him these days. That Gerard could have killed him, still could. Even the hospital staff where Mikey had been taken to last Monday night, advised him to leave Gerard at their facility for people like him. And Mikey was so scared then, and partly confused on what to do anymore, that he agreed to it. Mikey was allowing these nurses and doctors into the house, to deal with Gerard. He was even planning on letting them take Gerard away, tomorrow was the decided date.

Mikey looks up again at the window. His heart breaks a little more; one of the nurses is trying to restrain Gerard, needle in hand, while Gerard is crying and resisting her. In that moment Mikey feels like a terrible person, that what he’s doing really is inhumane. It’s not Gerard’s fault, but Mikey has been making him feel that way this past week. Mikey can’t believe now that he was willing and ready to have Gerard gone. For the nurses to have all their test run and completed by tomorrow; for them to take Gerard away to an institution. How could Mikey do that when he loves Gerard so deeply? Abandon his big brother when Mikey is all he has. Mikey’s breaths are slow and labored.