The Secret Website

"Sure, Tre, come in." I said. My heart stopped beating when I saw him, I'm so sure.

He stepped in and I closed the door.

"Are you busy?" he carefully asked.

"No, not at all." I said, curious about what he was going to tell me, and wanting to know why he was so nervous.

"Let's sit down." I suggested.

He nodded and walked to the couch, then sat. I sat next to him, then I turned to face him.

"So..." I began.

"So..." he repeated.

"What's up?" I asked, worried, when I saw his eyes watering.

"Billie Joe, I'm so sorry!" A tear ran down his cheek. Now, this was seriously worrying me.

"Hey, Tre, sush, what happened?"

"I... I just figured out what's been bothering me for so long."

Well, about time, I thought. It's true, lately he was really weird, not talking, not laughing, not joking.

"And... what is it?" I asked rubbing his back to calm him down.

"It's not easy to say, Billie. I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"Tre, what are you talking about? You know I'd never hate you." I said shaking slightly.

"I tried to talk to Mike about this but... I don't want to, because... because I'm afraid he might... he might freak out, or he might not accept me, and hate me."

"Tre, calm down now, relax and just tell me. You know that whatever happens I won't judge you. Why you think Mike would not accept you?"

At this, he cried more.

"Because he's in love already!"

A dead silence was what followed his sentence.

"W-what do you mean, Tre?"

"Billie... I'm in love." My heart shattered. He just broke my heart and he couldn't know it. I felt tears, but I didn't let them out.

"And... what's this got to do with our friendship and Mike hating you?"

Then it all clicked. he's in love already means he loves Mike?

Oh, great, just great, how fucked up are we?

I love Tre, he loves Mike and Mike loves me. Perfect triangle.

SHIT!

"B-Billie?" Tre murmured.

I looked at him. He was handing an envelope to me.

"Since I'm no good at talking, I just wrote it down. So just read it. Please."

I took the envelope and as soon as I did, he got up and locked himself in the bathroom.

What the fuck, I thought. I followed him, and knocked on the door.

"Tre, what are you doing? Come out!"

"Not before you've read it." came his muffled reply.

I opened the envelope and began to read, my heart beating faster than ever.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG PERSON?

I can't stand this anymore, I'm sick of it, sick of being hurt, sick of seeing the one I love drooling over someone else, sick of being so close to them, sick of not being able to be something more!

What's bad in all this? It's been over two years, and everytime I can't help falling even deeper in love. How many times I tried to date other girls, but it's all useless, I can't think of anyone else but him. Yeah, it's a him, got a problem?

How I wish I could find a way out, how I wish he would love me back. Sometimes I even think he really does but then I convince myself it's all a dream, I'm just dreaming, it's just friendship, it's nothing more and never it will be. But how long will I be able to stand this situation?...

I look at all of our pictures and cry, because it hurt to think back and see all those scenes, those moments, when we were so close, we used to share everything. I look at my-smiling-self in the picture and I can't help to remember that that smile was often fake. And those few times it was true... it was because of him. I then look at the angel next to me, in the picture, and I can't see anything. Not a thing, because my feelings play tricks on me, they divert my thoughts into thinking something else.

How can I think about something else? All right, i got a girlfriend, but... in all honesty I don't know why I'm dating her... maybe because she was one of the few girls who liked me... maybe because I just wanted to forget him... yeah, now that I think of it, I don't even like her. But I can't dump her just like that. And anyway, I wouldn't be able to.

Everybody say it's good to be in love... but if being in love means going through all of this shit, then I don't want to love. Because it hurts. It really hurts. The pain is so unbearable, I can't ignore it anymore, and to soothe it, I do the most stupid thing on this planet. I seek a phisical pain which hurts more than my heart. So I distract myself, I don't think about it. And sometimes I find myself thinking how comforting is this pain, which is temporary, I know, but it won't allow me to think, even if, sooner or later, I will have to feel that sharp pain in my chest, that pain I know so well, it hurts so much...

I can't stand this anymore. Why do I have to suffer this much, why me? And why do I have to be just firends with him, why can't we be something more? And I'm forced to keep silent, or I would make him turn away from me, forever, I'd ruin our wonderful friendship. And that's the last thing I want to do.

He helps me to go on. Even though I suffer, I can't help to live every day through, knowing I've got an angel that, despite my bad habits and the silly things I do, loves me. He's my reason of life, it's enough to see one of his smile to calm down when I'm nervous, one of his special comforting words to make me smile.

Still, even though he's the person who knows me the best and always knows what to do with me, the only thing he never got is that when I'm upset, I just run away, like I want to be alone, but... The real reason is that I don't want him to see me cry. Yet, I want him to follow me. Why, I don't know why, maybe because doing so I'd know he cares, I don't have the slightest idea. I run away to hide the tears, but deep inside I want him too see them.

Gosh, how complicated am I? How I want someone to invent something that can read the mind, but most of all the heart. Because in my heart there's so many things, and confusion is the most predominant.

Yet, sometimes I think he loves me back. I'm 99,99% wrong, but there are moments when I feel that I'm right.

I remember one day, in my house, I cried and he was comforting me as always. And he managed to, and then I thanked him with a hug. When we both pulled back, we kept our arms around each other and we were so close... I still can hardly believe it. I remember his look, and I was there, in his arms, happy with the world, and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I felt accepted, somehow. But obviously, he just had to ruin the moment, saying his usual bullshit like: "Hey, what's with the kissing position?". At that, I blush, laugh and look somewhere else, but when I looked up at him, I was and still am 100% sure he blushed too.

And doubt sets in. Embarassement, sure. No, I don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore. I don't even know why I'm writing. I don't know how long I've been in love, I don't know what changed my friendship in something more more complicated and deep. I just know that since this feeling appeared, it never disappeared. No, it just got worse.

What to say, now. I speak directly to you, now, so important to me. Typical twelve-years-old, I know, but it's so true for me: you really are the sun shining in my days, the moon enlightening my dark nights, my compass, you're the north and I'm the needle, I'll follow you everywhere. You're my only hope, you're my reason of life, you're in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. You're with me always, wherever I go.

I love you.

I really mean it, I really do. It's the first time I say it out loud, but I always thought it and I've always known it. My heart confirms, and it's my heart that today wins my mind. It's been yelling this at you for years, and as I can now see, my mind has decided to co-operate. And the Reason keeps everything under control. Luckily. Otherwise, what a mess, huh? Such a stron feeling, so amazing but so painful at the same time. You're everything I've got left. Without you, I'm nothing.

I am seriously in love with you.

I love you, with all of my heart and soul. Three simple words, hiding so many meanings...

I love you.

I was crying. I didn't even bother to try and cover my tears, I let them roll down my cheeks freely.

"Tre, open up." I whispered.

He opened the door slowly, and shyly got out. He looked at me straight in the eyse, and whispered:

"I'm really in love with you, Billie Joe."