The Secret Website

I was still out of breath, slowly trying to regain some self control, before knocking gently on the door.

"Mike?" I asked, cautiously.

No answer came. I knocked harder.

"Mike!" I yelled, ignoring the look an old lady walking her dog gave me.

Still, silence was all I could hear from inside.

I literally began hitting the door with my fists, worried. Eventually, when nobody answered me, I gave up, and sat down on his doorstep, hugging my knees.

I had been sitting there for nearly half an hour, when I heard a click and a voice.

"Waddyawant?"

I jumped up and turned around so quickly that my head spinned and I nearly fell down.

"Mike! About time, I've been sitting here for..." I stopped when I took a proper look at him.

He was a mess. He was wearing the same t-shirt, only he changed it a bit. It now read "I'mwith stupid" and it had a hole on the left side, right over where the heart was, and I could see drops of blood through the hole.

I looked up at his face to meet his eyes, now red and puffy. Tears were still pouring down his cheeks and he made no effort to wipe them away.

My heart skipped a beat at the sight of him so broken and my stomach turned, giving me that sensation you get when you skip a step when walking down a staircase.

I could not utter a single word, I just stood there and looked at him, crying his heart out. He broke the silence.

"I told you," he said in between his irregular sobs, "I told you Don't you dare to just leave me here and walk away after I've just told you my feelings, that'd kill anybody, and what did you do, Billie?"

I could not answer. Once again, it was him who spoke.

"I could not stand it. It was tearing me apart inside, and I thought I'd better get over it, so I decided to have a walk in the park. And guess who I ran into at the park?"

I froze. He couldn't have... I refused to accept it, I simply didn't want to believe it.

"If I thought I'd feel better after a good walk in the park, maybe I'd had better think twice."

I wanted to say something back to him, but my mind didn't respond. It was my heart taking over, and I didn't like it.

"You've got no idea how I felt when I heard... you telling him... and then I saw you..." He couldn't say more. He fell on his knees and cried loudly.

For the second time that day, instead of speaking, I acted.

I bent down next to him, so I was eye-level with him. I brought my hand to his cheek, so I could look at him in the eyes. I didn't like what I saw, but I decided I couldn't take care of that right now.

I took his hand and stood up.

“Mike…” I said with shaking voice.

“Mike, don’t be like that…”

“Don’t you tell me what to do! Don’t you dare, Billie, you’ve got no idea how it feels!”

“But Mike, I do! How do you think I felt when I saw Tre standing there, wanting to kill himself? How do you think I –”

“SHUT – UP!”

He yelled and cried and I didn’t know what to do.

I gripped his hand tighter and walked inside. I sat down next to him on the couch and just looked at him while he cried. I felt so ashamed of myself.

I had been about to loose the two people I trust with my life, all in the same day, all because of me. I was the one to blame.

“Mike, please listen to me.”

He didn’t look at me but made a sound as to let me know he was listening.

“I’ve fucked it all up. I nearly lost Tre and now I find out I nearly lost you too. I didn’t mean for all of this to happen this way. I’m sorry. I really am.”

He turned to look at me.

“B-Billie. Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault if I’m a mess right now. It’s my own fault. I know you never asked for this, and I never wished to find out about your website or wanted you to find mine. It just happened, let’s face the consequences then, shall we?”

“O-ok.” I whispered. He was finally talking the way I wanted him to. I didn’t want to hurt him but it was too late. And now I can’t go back, I’ll have to heal the wound trying not to leave a scar. Mission impossible.

And suddenly, when neither of us was expecting it, I just threw myself at him and hugged him. I held him and this time I cried. Because for the first time in those long days I felt confused.

When he tried to break the hug I didn’t stop him. I let him look at me, and I looked back and just stayed there, letting him read my soul like only he could do.
My thoughts went to Tre, how much I waited those moments and our first true kiss… it was heaven for me. Much much more than heaven. Geez, it was nirvana to me.

And now I stood there, facing Mike. And I knew he loved me, but I had a problem with that. What I felt when we kissed was something I never knew I could feel towards Mike. My mind went back to our kiss and the friction between us that made me go crazy just at the thought of it.

Wrong thought. Mike was still looking at me and he knew me, he always knew what I was thinking. This couldn’t go unnoticed.

I looked away.

But when Mike put his hand under my chin and I turned to face him, I knew I looked away a second too late. He’d seen it all.

And a song came to my mind right then, and I felt the urge to sing it. I did, I sang for Mike, it’s what we used to do when we were teenagers, just sing for each other.

“It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart.” My voice was shaking and I stopped. I just couldn’t go on. So he did it for me.

“Without saying a word, you can light up the dark.” He kissed my forehead.

“Try as I may, I could never explain what I hear when you don’t say a thing…” he said kissing my cheek. I smiled softly to myself. He smiled back.

“The smile on your face, lets me know that you need me.” I sang back, by voice steadier.

“There’s a truth in your eyes, saying you’ll never leave me.” I closed my eyes as his arm sneaked around my waist and I was surprised in finding that mine was doing the same. So surprised, that I stopped singing.

“The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me whenever I fall.” He half sang and half whispered.

“You say it best when you say nothing at all.” Was the last thing he sang, before my heart couldn’t stand it any longer.

I leaned in and pressed softly my lips on his. The emotions I’ve been holding back since I kissed him for the first time came back all of a sudden and I nearly hated myself for doing this to Tre. But I couldn’t stop it.

I couldn’t stop my hand from reaching his neck and pulling him closer to me. I couldn’t stop his arm from gripping me tighter. I couldn’t stop my other hand from pulling him down with me on the couch. I couldn’t stop my lips from opening when I felt his tongue brushing against them.

I couldn’t stop any of this, and part of me was hating it. And how big that part of me was, I cannot tell. But it was dying for the huge amount of guilt I felt, when my thoughts suddenly went back to Tre.