The Secret Website

I couldn’t help myself from thinking constantly about Jules. Why did she know my name? Why did she know Tre’s real name, when nearly no one else knows it?

When I got home I didn’t even bother to turn the lights on. I walked straight to my bedroom and threw myself on my bed, still fully clothed, and fell asleep the moment my head touched the pillow.

I woke up the next morning slightly confused by the events of the previous days. Mike. Tre. Jules. Mike. Tre. Jules. Mike. Tre. Jules.

I took a shower, hoping it would get my mind off of things, but it didn’t work. I drank my usual coffee, smiling bitterly at the thought of Mike doing the same just that moment. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and put it on the table, staring sadly at it. Tre hadn’t called me yet, and I was starting to get worried. Calling or waiting? I knew that the eclipse thing-y I told him had hurt him, but after all it was all right. I was right. I was in love with him, but I didn’t wanna lie to him, and I couldn’t lie to myself. Maybe it was better this way…

A tear escaped my eye, rolling softly onto my cheek and falling to the floor. It was too much for me to take in, too much had happened. I knew I loved Tre. I’ve always known. I was deeply in love with him, and I’d die without him. But now Mike… what am I supposed to do? Why do I have this sudden desire to be with him? I don’t wanna hurt him more than I already have. Seems like I can never do something right.

“You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message! You’ve got a message!”

My heart skipped several beats when I heard the familiar baby voice coming from my mobile. I picked it up, flipped it open and saw it was from Tre. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before reading.

Hi Billie. I’m going out of town for a few days. Gotta clear my mind. Talk to Mike, sort out your problems. We’ll talk when I get back. Tre, x

I didn’t know what to do. Should I be worried? “We’ll talk”, that scares me a bit, but after all he did put an “x” at the end…

He was right, though, I had to talk to Mike. Why is it than people tend to want what they can’t have? I wanted to be with Tre and now that I am, I suddenly want to be with Mike? That just can’t be right. I had to stop.

An hour and a phone call later, I found myself in front of Mike’s house. I took a deep breath, walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. He let me in almost immediately.

“Hey,” he said, “how’re you?”

“I’m fine, thanks. How about you?”

“Usual.” He smiled, but I know what he meant: not fine, nor bad.

“You know why I want to talk to you, right?” I asked carefully, as I followed him to the kitchen, where I found him drinking his coffee. I smiled to myself, knowing that was probably the third one already.

“Yeah. And I want to be honest with you.” He said, looking down.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean, you know me too well to say when I’m lying and when I’m not. So there’s no point in trying.” He still wasn’t looking at me.

“You’re nervous.” That wasn’t a question and we both knew it.

“I guess so.” He tried to smile, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, what did you expect?”

I smiled back. He was right, I wasn’t expecting him to be calm and ready at all. I wanted to hug him, he looked like a lost kid.

“So…” I said, trying to break the awkward silence. I didn’t know what to do. I was nervous as hell, I didn’t even want to be at his house at that moment, I couldn’t trust myself.

He finally looked at me and I knew too late that I shouldn’t have come here. As soon as we made eye contact I felt like we were both on another planet, far away from this world, in a place where there’s just me and him, no one else to judge or hurt us. I instinctively took a shy step forward. He put his empty cup of coffee on the table and stretched out a hand.

I was confused. What do I feel for him?

I took another step forward and took his hand in mine. Stop! Stop, what are you doing?

I watched our hands, then I looked back up at him again. I felt my heart beating faster when I saw his expression. Like he was holding back tears.

“Mike…” I tried to say, but he shook his head and looked away.

“Oh, Mike, I can’t stand to see you like this.” I put my free hand under his chin and forced him to look at me. A tear fell on my hand. I couldn’t stand it any longer, I threw myself in his arms and hugged him. He stood, frozen, for a few seconds, then I felt his arms reaching out to hug me back.

“I love you.”

He pushed me away, wide eyed. “What did you say?”

“I…” Ops. “Please, do not misunderstand me. I know it hurts, but I’m not in love with you. I do love you, I’m just not in love.”

“Oh. I should’ve known.” He turned his back on me.

“Mike, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s ok.”

I put my hand on his shoulder. After a couple a seconds he turned suddenly and hugged me again. I hugged him back without any second thoughts.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated.

“You confuse me.” He said. “I don’t know how you feel anymore.”

“I don’t know either.” I said. “You would probably know it better than myself.” We looked at each other again, and I was suddenly aware of how close our bodies were. Time stopped again, and we stood like that, staring into each other’s souls. I know he was searching, and I couldn’t do anything to stop him. It’s like he could read my mind. He always told me that I’m like an open book for him to read.

As I kept staring into his blue eyes, I felt his hand on my cheek. His other hand moved down to the small of my back and as he pulled me closer I realized I was doing the same. One of my hands behind his back while the other one reached up to my cheek to take his.

He knew I wouldn’t say no, this time. He leaned in, stopping when his lips were just inches from mine. I could tell he wasn’t sure. I had to make the decision that would change both of our lives.